Where We Began
by mysticexarch
Summary: A re-telling of Shepard and Tali's blossoming relationship through a series of short vignettes. Slightly AU. Encompasses Mass Effect 1 only. Uses a grittier, byronic, more anti-hero type of Shepard. Starts off with a more dramatic version of the scene where Shepard rescues Tali in the wards. Strong M (graphic violence, sensitive subjects, profanity, etc.)
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Yeah, I know. Everyone's favorite interspecies couple. Old hat.**

 **What can I say? I always wanted to do my own version of one of these, but got disillusioned with the series after the poor ending of 3. Now, with Andromeda out, and me not enjoying it very much, it suddenly seemed like a good idea to return to the universe this way instead. Kay? Kay. :)**

John Shepard was having a bad day.

He had woken up from a nightmarish hell mere hours ago with a massive headache after being hit by a strange energy wave emitted by the Beacon on Eden Prime. Then, without having a chance to properly recover, he'd had to go to the Citadel and deal with a bunch of bullshit political intrigue. Of course, it was just his luck that the council decided to be extremely difficult about Saren, forcing him to present evidence. Since that time, he'd been running around the Citadel, desperately chasing down any lead he could find. Just when the trail was going cold, that krogan bounty hunter, Wrex, had helped him finally discover some good news: a quarian engineer who supposedly had the evidence he needed.

The bad news was that the woman was critically injured, sick, and being chased down by both Saren's and the Shadow Broker's thugs. Shepard knew that the chances were good that he was already too late, and that her data would be lost to him forever. That wasn't the only trouble plaguing Shepard's mind, though. In fact, his primary concern was making sure this quarian female, Tali'Zorah nar Rayya, Dr. Michel had called her, made it out of her dire situation.

He despised evil lowlifes who took advantage of ordinary people above all else, a hatred that had been instilled in him from the butchery he had witnessed as a sixteen-year old on Mindoir. More intense than this hatred was his disdain for seeing innocent people hurt by such scum. As such, Shepard had made it his personal mission to save everyone he possibly could, no matter the cost. The alternative was simply too infuriating: an unacceptable outcome that churned his stomach and evoked panic in his heart at the mere thought of failing in this self-imposed duty.

It was this deep passion that fueled his steps and granted him the extra reserves of energy he needed to quickly sweep the back alleys of the Citadel wards in search of this quarian. Not for the first time in the past few minutes, he questioned whether it had been wise to send Garrus to C-Sec headquarters to gather backup, as well as order Wrex to split up from him so that they could cover more ground.

There was no time for second-guessing, however. It was the rational call, he knew, even if it meant that he was putting himself in greater danger. After all, John Shepard did not raise to the highest echelon of the N7 division with self-doubt and cowardice.

Then it happened; the break that he had been searching for. Up ahead and down an alley to his left, he heard an aggressive turian voice and the higher-pitched-yet-distorted voice of what he could only guess was a quarian female (having never met one before in his life).

Engaging his tactical cloak, Shepard made his way stealthily to the corner of the wall next to the alley's opening. Peaking invisibly around that corner, he surveyed the contents of the passageway. A few crates and heaps of machinery were scattered about the filthy alley. In the middle, surrounded by two salarians and a turian, was a quarian female.

"Hands off, Fist!" the woman demanded, brushing the turian's three-fingered hand away from her waist. Shepard could hear the strain in her voice, though she did an admirable job projecting an aura of confidence and bravery considering the circumstances. Beneath that unreadable exterior, he knew that Tali'Zorah had to be terrified.

Fist snarled and twitched his muscles as if preparing to attack. Shepard hoped that he would, so that he'd have an excuse to gun the man down in cold blood. Alas, that was not what the turian did. Instead he reached up gently and stroked the receiver of the quarian's mask, a vicious mockery of affection.

"Watch your mouth, girl, or I'll show you why they call me 'Fist'," he said with barely-concealed venom. "It would be a shame to break that mask of yours, but technically, we don't need you alive. Just the data. Don't need you alive to have my fun, either."

"So, if I were you," he whispered softly, I'd start getting on my good side as quickly and as enthusiastically as possible." Fist punctuated his 'advice' with a cruel chuckle and leaned away again. "What'll it be, suit-rat?" he barked.

Shepard had seen more than enough. Now was the time for action if he wanted to save this person, whom he guessed from the conversation was Tali'Zorah. In the span of a few heartbeats, Shepard mentally reviewed his index of options and strategies.

For one, it was clear that he couldn't wait for Wrex to backtrack to his position, let alone Garrus. He had to do this alone. Those men outnumbered him three to one, though. If he were a Spectre then perhaps Shepard would have been able to carry an assault rifle around the Wards, in which case he could even the odds that way. Unfortunately, all he had was an above average quality heavy hand cannon. Attacking from his cloaked position could also even the odds, but startling Fist and his men might get the Quarian killed accidentally. Moreover, Shepard wanted to at least give them (exactly one) chance to surrender peacefully to appease his conscience.

It was settled. Shepard nodded with grim determination as he realized that he needed to go in boldly and alone. He'd be in dire straits, but it was the best option available to ensure Tali's survival.

 _Besides, he thought,_ grinning wickedly as he deactivated the cloak, _I have a plan._

* * *

Tali'Zorah nar Rayya was having a horrible day. The worst of her life, in fact.

After getting shot by a polonium-laced sniper round, seeing her shipmates killed, bleeding halfway across the Citadel, nearly dying from a nasty combination of infection and radiation poisoning, and barely having anything to eat or drink for two days as she evaded deadly killers who were pursuing her relentlessly, she was now being threatened with rape and murder by a turian thug.

To say that Tali was petrified would be an understatement of incalculable proportions. Her heart was pounding so loudly in her chest that she thought it might explode. Her limbs, nearly exhausted beyond the point of being able to support her weight, trembled with fear. She felt like breaking down and crying. She probably would have, come to think of it, if it wasn't for the fact that she refused to give the man the satisfaction.

Tali knew she was going to die. It wouldn't be painless or dignified either; far from it, in fact. And to top that all off, it was going to be in a place where everyone hated her, where they were disgusted by her to such an extreme degree that every single person she'd come across, except for one, was content to simply let her bleed out and die on the streets like an animal. She was going die alone and away from her friends and family, away from the home and people she was so selflessly dedicated to. Tali would never again hear her father's voice, never enjoy the pleasure of tinkering with a drive core, never appreciate the feeling of being out of her damn suit in a clean room.

 _At least I'll see mom again…if there is an afterlife, that is,_ Tali thought bitterly.

"What'll it be suit-rat?" the turian barked.

Tali had no idea what to say. There was nothing *to* say, nothing she could even do. Nothing, that is, save for hope blindly that some guardian angel would swoop in and save her at the last moment. She had never been a religious woman, but in this moment, Tali prayed desperately to any cosmic being that was possibly listening to save her.

In lieu of an answer, she simply stared back at the man, wringing her hands in front of her waist, as she was wont to do in times of stress.

The turian opened his mouth and began to speak, but was cut off by the most relieving thing Tali had ever heard.

"Drop your weapons and step away from the woman!" a strong and smooth voice commanded from the other end of the hallway.

Fist wheeled around in shock and anger, revealing to both himself and Tali the source of the voice: a humanoid figure clad in dark combat armor bearing a red stripe and a mark which read "N7".

Tali's eyes scanned the figure. Straight shins, five fingers: it was a human. Clearly a male one as well. His physical stature would be grotesquely broad and muscled on a quarian man, but was merely above average on a human male. Tali had had some trouble getting used the fact that humans possessed slightly different sexual dimorphism than quarians. After all, she'd never even seen humans in person until coming to the Citadel two days ago.

In any case, the man struck quite an intimidating figure. His manner practically radiated supreme confidence, authority, and skill. Tali was unsure if this was a good sign or not. So far, she'd only been around a human female for any length of time: Dr. Michel. For all she knew, the males of this species were savage brutes like the Krogan. However, that might be a good thing in this scenario. Tali's primal instinct judged violence a likely outcome. Perhaps she could escape while this human killed, or at least distracted, the other rogues.

With cautious optimism, Tali waited silently to see what would happen.

* * *

"Who the fuck are you?" the turian asked Shepard, pistol raised in opposition to Shepard's own. According to his helmet's HUD, his translator implant had picked up on some turian curse word and translated it to one roughly equivalent in intensity to one of human parlance. Good to know.

"I'm John Shepard, Systems Alliance, N7 designation," Shepard replied, his tone icy. "I'm not going to ask you to comply again."

Fist stared him down. Shepard could read the man's indecision in eyes. He was sizing him up, calculating the odds. Shepard was resolute: he set his face in a mask of determination and showed no fear, even though he was outnumbered. His eyes narrowed.

After what seemed like ages, Fist made up his mind. "Get a load of this human," the turian scoffed, turning to his salarian lackeys. "He thinks he's tough. Let me tell you something, punk: I don't give a shit if you work for the Alliance. I work for the broker. So you can step the fuck off, and maybe I'll let you live. This quarian bitch is mine!" he proclaimed, jabbing a finger in his chest. As he did so, one of the salarians flanked him, while the other moved behind Tali to keep his eyes on her.

Shepard frowned, honestly disappointed. He could read Fist like an open book. The turian was mostly an outer layer of bravado concealing doubt underneath. He had the air of a man who was ready for fighting but didn't expect it to be necessary. He was a bully, used to having his way with pure intimidation, plain and simple.

Unlike Shepard, who was prepared to die if need be, and never flinched from violence.

"I'm giving you one chance," Shepard growled, muscles tensed and ready for action.

"Look…" Fist began.

Shepard exploded into motion. He knew that in a barren alley such as this, the fight would be a simple contest of whose shields would go down first. Outnumbered and flanked by two salarians who were likely specialists that could hack his shields, Shepard would surely lose that fight. His only chance was to gain an advantage by disabling his opponents.

Although his opponents could plainly see Shepard's shimmering, purplish aura that indicated personal barriers, there was a simple fact they were overlooking. Like most people who weren't biotics themselves, they didn't realize that barriers could be detonated to release a powerful energy wave upon a whim. It was a very situational tactic that did not lend itself well to the fighting style of most biotics, who preferred to stay in the rear, behind allies.

Shepard's arms extended to his sides as he channeled his will into a razor-sharp blade of concentration. Dark energy swirled and coalesced around him, then immediately exploded outward. The resulting purple-blue wave staggered everyone in the room except for himself, dazing and knocking them back by several paces.

With perfect fluidity, Shepard brought his pistol back up in front of him and aimed it at one of the salarians. He had previously calculated that they were the most dangerous foes in the room: just one of them could bring down his shields with an overload faster than Fist could with his pistol.

His own pistol let out a vague number of barks and bright flashes. Although the weapon was discharged rapidly, Shepard's shots struck with cold, calculated precision. Before anyone knew what had happened, the salarian's shields shattered, followed by a shower of gore as his head exploded.

The turian was the first to recover. He brought his weapon to bear and opened fire on Shepard, screaming a fierce (but noticeably desperate) war cry.

Shepard's shields flashed, draining rapidly. With his gun partially overheated from taking out one of the Salarians, he knew there was absolutely no chance he could win a one-on-one firefight with Fist.

That's exactly why he didn't try to win it. Instead, Shepard changed the game entirely. His leg muscles plunged into overdrive as he made a beeline straight for the turian.

Shocked by the human's suicidal bravado, Fist hesitated imperceptibly. That was plenty of time for Shepard to throw his pistol straight in the alien's face. It crashed into the turian's mandibles, causing a gout of blue blood to spray as his facial carapace cracked.

Fist let out of howl of pain and began to fire his gun randomly. Some of the shots impacted Shepard's barriers, but most whizzed harmlessly by. Still, the human's personal shields were less than half full.

In short order Shepard had closed the distance. Despite being extremely confused and taken aback, Fist had enough sense to know what was coming. He activated an omni-blade and jabbed it straight toward Shepard's face.

What Fist didn't know, however, was that to rise to the top of the N7 division, Shepard had had to master hand-to-hand combat: a skill that was sorely neglected by most militaries, including the Broker's private army. It was a shame, really; melee attacks were incredibly useful. They bypassed shields, which was the exact reason Shepard had decided to use them.

Calling upon his training in a specialized form of san soo that had only grown more brutal since it's ancient inception centuries prior, Shepard sidestepped the strike. Dropping his pistol, one hand shot out and locked Fist's wrist in a steely grip. With lightning speed, the human used his other hand to strike Fist's arm in a weak point with as much force as he could muster.

The result was devastating. Shepard felt Fist's arm crunch sickeningly, completely shattered. The other man let out a bloodcurdling scream as he doubled over in agony.

Shepard wasn't done yet, though. He followed up with a swift elbow strike to the collapsing man's face that broke yet more facial bones. At the same time, he ripped the pistol out of Fist's claws, taking it as replacement for his own. As Fist fell, Shepard broke his knee with a swift kick just for good measure.

"Please…fuckdon't…AH! Fuck, god, I'm…" Fist begged, laying on his back as he writhed in unfettered torment.

Barely conscious of the effort, Shepard pointed Fist's own weapon at his face and pulled the trigger. His head exploded in a shower of gore as well, permanently silencing the scum's voice.

The remaining salarian, who had been waiting until his sight lines were clear, unleashed a blast of energy into Shepard: an overload attack. The electrical energy surged violently through his armor, scrambling the shield capacitors. Shepard's shields instantly dropped. Yet still some electrical energy remained, and his depleted shield battery was not powerful enough to absorb it. The blast overflowed into Shepard's own body instead, stunning him as he convulsed in pain.

The salarian aimed his own pistol, clearly ready to take advantage of his upper hand. Shepard might even have died right then and there if it wasn't for Tali. The last to recover from the barrier detonation due to her weakened state, she finally lurched into action.

The salarian's gun suddenly overheated, it's thermal processes plunged into chaos by Tali's cyber-attack programs. The amphibian man hissed as he reflexively dropped the searing hot weapon, it's heat already shredding his shields. Knowing the attack couldn't have come from his boss's killer, he turned to face the quarian, who was languidly moving towards the alleyway's exit.

Not relishing the idea of being on even footing, let alone weaponless, with a foe who had viciously ripped apart his squad, the salarian sprinted towards Tali. He overtook her in seconds. Too exhausted to fight back, Tali squealed as the alien grappled her and spun around so that she served as a body shield between him and Shepard.

While all this happened, Shepard had ample time to force his burning muscles to obey him. He jerked his pistol upward and pointed at the salarian, but was too late. The thug had already taken Tali hostage. Even know, his hands grasped her masked head.

"Back off!" he yelped. "Drop your weapon, or I'll snap her neck!"

Shepard eyed the salarian carefully. He perceived that the other man was telling the truth.

Yet there was also something else Shepard perceived: that tingling feeling in his nerves, the prickle in the back of his mind that indicated his biotic amp was ready to fire again.

"Alright," Shepard said evenly, dropping his weapon to the ground. It clattered obscenely to the dirty plastic floor of the alleyway.

To Tali, it sounded like a death knell.

"Please," the quarian begged. The last thing she wanted was to be captured by one of the Broker's men. Although at this point, she hadn't quite made up her mind which faction of this conflict was scarier.

Shepard met the woman's gaze. It wasn't clear if she was pleading with him to save her, or simply asking him not to accidentally hurt her to stop the thug.

Of course, she had no way of comprehending Shepard's inner turmoil over that very issue. He knew what he needed to do, but was terrified of doing it. If he wasn't fast enough, the amphibian would snap poor Tali's neck. Yet if he did nothing, she was just as doomed. It almost conflicted with his nature on a visceral level, but Shepard knew he paradoxically had to risk her life to have any chance of saving her.

"I'm getting out of here and…" the salarian began.

That's when Shepard acted, taking advantage of his opponent's foolish error of distracting himself by talking. His hand shot out as a curled fist. Dark energy surged for the second time, enveloping the Salarian in a tomb of undulating mass effect fields. His screams echoed through the alleyway as the biotic technique, "reave the soul", as the asari called it, ripped the man to literal pieces.

Luckily, Shepard's concentration had been strong enough to limit the size of the fields just enough to kill the man while also not damaging Tali. Shepard took a deep breath as he relaxed his body once more. That move, which he had learned from training with Asari commandos during his N7 days, severely taxed both his mind and body. Dizziness overcame him.

On some level, he was vaguely aware of Tali stumbling forward as she scrambled for a weapon. Before Shepard could decide to do anything, the Quarian was slumped on the ground and aiming one of the thug's pistols at him.

"Don't move," she gasped breathlessly.

"Okay," Shepard said, letting his arms go slack.

An awkward silence settled over the scene. In the following moments, Tali rose shakily to her feet, weapon still aimed at Shepard's head. With his shields still down, he knew that things could go either way if the quarian woman decided to open fire.

"Are you Tali'Zorah nar Rayya?" he decided to risk asking.

"Yes," Tali answered, nodding her head for redundancy. She didn't know if he had good khelish translation programs. "How do you…know who I am?" she asked.

"It's a long story. The important part is, I'm an N7 in the Systems Alliance. I'm working for the Council to prove that Spectre Saren Arterius has gone rogue and is working with the geth. My investigation lead me to Dr. Michel, who told me about you. I came looking for that data, and to make sure the Broker's men didn't kill you."

A pause. Then, "I appreciate your assistance, but I'm not sure I can trust you."

Shepard glanced down to the brutalized bodies that lay on the floor, as well as the gore that drenched Tali's back from the reave attack he had used on the salarian. In all likelihood, this young woman had never seen such violence before in her entire life, and that was after an incredibly traumatic couple of days as well.

He couldn't blame her, all things considered. Even as a hardened killer, Akuze and Mindoir still haunted both his dreams and waking hours. Learning to take life without remorse, and live with himself afterward, had been a breeze compared to the psychological damage of those events.

Shepard knew he had a fat chance of being able to make her understand that, though. Still, there had to be a way to set the woman at ease.

"Listen Miss Zorah," Shepard began, unsure if quarian titles worked the same as human ones. "I'm not here to hurt or threaten you. I just need that data, and I'm authorized to give you protection, medical care, and more, as compensation."

Tali practically gasped in shock. 'Miss Zorah'? No one had been that polite to her since coming to the Citadel, not even Dr. Michel. Maybe humans were different…first the caring doctor, and now this one. She was also glad to see that for all his ferocity, kindness was not limited to female members of the species. That just created more questions, though. For instance, did that mean that human women were just as violent when need be? It was interesting thought. Tali had read that humans adhered to slightly more restrictive gender roles than most species.

She shook her head. Now was not the time to let her curiosity about aliens distract from the very serious matter at hand. Yes, Shepard appeared very polite and non-threatening, at least to her.

Then again, so had the Broker. Perhaps the strange human was just laying on the charm since she had a gun pointed at him now.

"That's exactly what the Broker told me," Tali responded. Her fear and exhaustion was obvious in her voice. She narrowed her eyes, clearly focusing on maintaining her composure. "For all I know, you could be one of Saren's men."

Shepard raised an eyebrow. It was a bizarre gesture to her, especially viewing it through the narrow slit of clear material on his helm that showed his eyes. "You think a grizzled turian Spectre and veteran of the first contact war hires human hitmen?"

Tali shook her head, acquiescing the point. Clever human. "You're right. But…" she began, interrupted by a groan of pain as her spiking fever started a bad headache. "You could be working for someone else, though. I'm not stupid. And I'm sure as hell not making the same mistake I did by trusting Fist again."

Shepard nodded. "That's completely fair. Look, I can show you my digital N7 dog tag if you want, so you'll know I'm really with the Alliance. In fact, I can send it to your omni-tool."

Tali nodded, activating the device. A moment later, a data packet appeared on the holographic screen. Her VI, Chiktikka, whom Tali had personally coded from scratch, informed her that Shepard's credentials were legitimate. It also provided her a definition of "N7", and "dog". Why a four-legged human mammal from earth was chosen to describe military documents, she had no idea. Humans were bizarre, but never boring.

"Okay, I believe you," Tali said, turning off her omni-tool as she looked up. Shepard stood stock still, hands at his sides again. He easily could have attacked or rebooted his shield battery while she was distracted, Tali realized. What a rookie mistake. Her father would be furious with her. Shepard's continued passivity was a good sign, though. "That doesn't…doesn't win me over…though," Tali panted. Her arm wound had flared up again, and it felt as if the fever was intensifying. The inside of her suit felt like fire and her vision began to swim. "Forgive me, but…people haven't exactly treated me well since I…since I came here. Including…the Alliance."

It was easy for Shepard to see where she was coming from. He'd gotten the story from Michel. Truly, it was a horrific tale. Frankly, after all Tali had been through, he was amazed she was still alive, let alone capable of walking and aiming a gun at him. Hell, this 120 pound quarian female possessed more grit than some of the men he'd trained with in the Alliance. Had they gone through what she had, many them would have given up.

That was it, Shepard realized; this woman possessed an iron will that refused to surrender. She was one of those people who could endure anything, and was willing to do whatever she had to survive at this point. Shepard could also tell from her stance, her body language, the way she aimed that weapon, even though her frame threatened to collapse from strain, that she'd received significant military training (though definitely not as extensive as his own).

Even so, it was plain that she didn't want to kill if it wasn't necessary. He didn't know how he knew, but he just *did*; Shepard was good at reading people that way. It was one of the things that made him such an excellent squad leader and tactician. It also engendered respect in him for her. Being able to kill when necessary, but not enjoying it, was an admirable trait that he wished he could live up to. Sometimes, his hatred for wicked people just made him so mad that he saw red and almost enjoyed seeing them die.

Shepard had an idea. He slowly began to reach his hands up to his helmet. Tali twitched, but refrained from shooting once she realized that he wasn't going for a weapon.

Moments later, Shepard had removed his combat helmet. He tossed it to the ground and looked straight into the glowing eyes behind the alien woman's mask. They were eyes filled with intelligence and pain.

A gun was now aimed at his exposed head. One jerk of a finger and it would all be over for him. He spoke calmly as if nothing about this situation was abnormal at all. "I've lost friends too. Seen a lot of death, even been close to it myself many times. I still can't imagine what this must be like for you, though. You're a civilian who didn't ask for this. Hell, you're not even a trained killer. You didn't deserve this. And to top it all off, the universe made you a species everyone hates with a weak immune system as well. Nothing about any of that means that you don't have the right to mistrust. However, I promise you that you can trust me. I know there's not much to go on, but it's the truth."

Shepard took a deep breath and continued. "So please, let me help you. You need medical attention immediately, if I'm not mistaken."

Tali looked down, then up, then down again. After a long moment of consideration, she lowered the weapon. "Okay," she said, nodding cheerfully. "I…"

Tali didn't get to complete the sentence. She pitched forward, stumbling as she fought for balance. The human was right: she desperately needed help, and it's not like she had any other recourse but to trust him at this point.

Shepard was there in an instant, steadying her. He knew enough medical basics to do field patch jobs, but next to nothing about malnutrition, dehydration, exhaustion, radiation poisoning, or quarian physiology for that matter. The best he could do was scan her with his omni-tool for a formal diagnosis.

The results were not good at all. "We need to get you back to Michel. I can't treat a quarian."

Tali nodded, the reasoning was sound. There was a problem though. "Her office…is…its half…halfway across this ward! And no…one…else would treat me," she muttered sadly.

Shepard bit his lip. She was right. According to his scan, her infection was reaching critical levels. There wasn't time, not with the congested Citadel streets. "I could…maybe force someone to…"

"Shepard, what the hell happened?!" Wrex said, storming into the alleyway, shotgun at the ready. Tali practically jumped at the sight of him, and likely would have run if it weren't for Shepard's presence. "Never mind," the Krogan bounty hunter muttered a second later, glancing at the carnage around them. "Figured it out. Oh, looks like you got that quarian too. That's-"

"Shut up!" Shepard barked.

Wrex's lips curled in naked aggression. Shepard didn't care.

"She needs medical attention. Now."

That seemed to get Wrex's attention. He knew how import her data was.

Before Tali could protest, Shepard wrapped a hand around her back and another around the back of her knees, lifting the quarian off her feet. She yelped in surprise, body going stiff as a board. He felt bad that he may have just crossed some cultural line, but if so, they'd deal with it later. Saving Tali was more important than etiquette.

"Wrex, I need the kind of crowd-clearing capability only a Krogan can provide. Understand?"

Wrex chuckled. "Oh, I know what you mean," he said, grinning wickedly.

Without further hesitation, the massive, hulking reptilian trudged over to the alley's exit. "I. AM. KROGAN!" Wrex bellowed before taking off at a brisk pace in the direction of Dr. Michel's clinic.

"Shit," Shepard murmured before running off in pursuit of the man. "He wasn't joking."

It wasn't long before they reached the busier sections of the wards. As Shepard rounded a corner, he saw a throng of people parting before Wrex like Moses before the red sea, screaming in terror as they did so. A heavily armored, biotically active, shotgun-wielding krogan warlord tended to evoke that response in people.

Shepard merely followed in his wake, completely unmolested by the terrified crowds. He had to admit that it was quite an effective tactic. With any luck, Garrus was with C-sec right now and could help them get out of any legal trouble they might be in after this.

He arrived at the clinic in short order to see a panting Wrex and a startled Dr. Michel. "He told me what happened," she said tersely, gesturing at Wrex. "Here, put Tali on that gurney. I'll help her."

Shepard did as she asked. Michel immediately began grabbing medical equipment and rummaging through containers filled with vials of drugs. He realized that at some point during the frantic dash, Tali had passed out. At least she was in good hands now, though. He could get that data on Saren later.

There wasn't time for Shepard to rest, though. He got on the comm channel he set up with Garrus and Wrex and informed the turian about the recent events. Soon after that, C-sec came knocking on Dr. Michel's door with Garrus in tow.

The officers were furious with the panic that he and Wrex had caused, but after a great deal of explaining and persuading, Shepard had gotten them to relax. It helped that Garrus was there to vouch for him, and that he had been granted official permission by the Council to act as needed in pursuit of the evidence against Saren.

With the details all worked out, C-sec agreed to post some guards in front of the clinic in case more of the Broker's or Saren's men came for Tali. "This had better be some damn special suit rat," the turian officer muttered.

Shepard felt like smashing that man in the face, but held back the urge. He didn't even say anything. Pissing off the authorities at this point could only hinder his efforts. It was not a wise move.

Instead, Shepard collapsed into one of the chairs that Michel kept in the office. The fight and subsequent medical evac of Tali had left him drained. He felt like he could sleep for a week.

"I checked out the alley on our way here," Garrus said, approaching him. "Found your gun and helmet; thought you might want them back."

"Thanks," Shepard said, taking the items from the turian.

"You know Shepard," Garrus said, shaking his head mirthfully. "In a few hours, you cleared out Cora's Den, took down some dangerous criminals, and rescued a quarian who had the intel we need. That's twice as much as the entirety of C-sec accomplishes in a week."

Shepard chuckled. "Yeah. I guess things are easier without that red tape you mentioned."

Garrus took the seat next to Shepard and joined him in watching Michel work on Tali. "You know, my people are often the most racist towards quarians," he began, shrugging. "I don't know why. Just is. But I'm not a very good turian; never have been, never will be. Even so, when I heard about her, all I could think about was the data. Seeing her now, like this…it changes your perspective."

"Yeah. Sometimes it takes getting to know people personally, seeing the fear of death in their eyes, that same fear any rational sapient creature has."

Garrus nodded. "Poor girl. I can't believe no one wanted to do anything to help before Michel. If I was there, I would've done something, at least, and damn the consequences if my fellow turians didn't like it. You know, you two probably restored her faith in aliens."

Shepard smiled bitterly. He didn't do it for the adoration and self-righteousness.

Michel interrupted their conversation by walking over.

"How is she, doctor? Will Tali make it?" Shepard asked.

Michel nodded enthusiastically, smiling. "Yes. I have her hooked up to dextro anti-biotics, nutrients, fluids, and anti-radiation meds. She just needs to get plenty of rest, at least a day's worth, and to let the medicine do its work."

"How is that possible?" Shepard asked. He could see what essentially amounted to IV's connected to a port in Tali's suit, but didn't understand how it worked.

"Ah, well, you see," Michel began, "the suits can inject medicine or other fluids intravenously. The exterior ports are designed to sanitize whatever comes in, then transfer it to Tali's hypodermic needles. Her cybernetic implants monitor and control everything. It is all very sophisticated, very well-designed. Very interesting."

"That makes sense," Shepard replied. "I guess when I really think about it, I don't know that much about quarians."

Michel was about to comment on that, but was interrupted by a yawn from Shepard. "You know, you don't look so good," she told him, changing the topic. "Maybe you should get some rest too."

"Thanks for your concern, but I'm fine," Shepard protested, even as he winced in pain. With the adrenaline worn off, the full impact of the electric shock and exertion was taking its toll. It didn't help that his beacon-migraine was intensifying, either. "I need to stay here in case the Broker or Saren's men come back." He punctuated his proclamation with a self-administered dose of medi-gel.

"It'll be fine," Garrus said, placing his hand on Shepard's shoulder for emphasis. "C-sec might not be good for much, but they know how to place a guard detail. Too much practice from protecting the wealthier wards while the slums are left to rot. Anyway, I'll be here, and I'll make sure that no harm comes to either of them."

Shepard nodded. Garrus had provided and excellent excuse. While he didn't relish the thought of dreaming about Akuze and Mindoir, now with the added flavor of biomechanical monster nightmares, he recognized that he did need more rest.

"Alright. Call me if she wakes up. We need that data asap. You guys have my extranet address." Shepard gave the turian and krogan a casual salute, then turned to leave. "Michel, thank you so much for doing this. I can't imagine that treating Tali twice is cheap."

"No, it's not," Michel agreed, sighing. "But that's not what it's about. I was glad to help."

"You'd do any Alliance medic proud. You risked your life to save some quarian no one else cared about or would have blamed you for turning away. That takes serious bravery."

Michel blushed. "Thank you. I just do what I can."

Shepard nodded to her, then strode out of the clinic. Once he was far enough way, he sent 1,000 credits to her extranet address. He knew that the woman would never accept payment for doing the right thing, but he felt she deserved something for going above and beyond. It wasn't very often he got to meet people of such strong moral character.

And besides, he had thousands of credits from Alliance back pay and inheritance. They were just sitting in his bank account, collecting dust. Shepard never spent them; he was too busy trying to escape his demons by burying himself in military work.

On his way back to the Normandy, Shepard reflected on the events of the day. For some reason, he couldn't get Tali out of his head. Maybe he was imagining things, but Shepard could swear that a 'moment', some kind of invisible understanding had passed between him and Tali in that alleyway.

She had suffered, he realized. He didn't know if it was as intense as his, or even what form it took, but she did. What had happened on the Citadel had surely added to those scars. And it wasn't easy being a quarian, Shepard guessed. The whole galaxy seemed to have it out for them due to the sins of their ancestors.

He'd also come to admire the woman in their very limited interactions. She was obviously extremely intelligent, determined, and brave. She'd stood up to him despite that fact that he was half-again her size and twice her weight, after all.

Shepard brushed the thought aside. Whatever kinship they might have had, it was an illusion. They were different races from different cultures. Whatever crazy dream Shepard's tired mind had conjured up, it wasn't worth thinking about. He wasn't the type of man who had, who should have, friends. His life was dangerous, and his friends had a habit of getting killed. He was a ruthless killer. The military was his life, and after this business with Saren, he'd dive back into it.

It was all Shepard knew.

 **A/N: We'll get a chance to see Tali's thoughts about Shepard. Next one will be more Tali-centric, I promise.**


	2. Chapter 2

Tali couldn't believe what had just happened. In all likelihood, she had been the first quarian to stand in the Council Chamber since the Morning War three hundred years ago. Not only that, but it had been her evidence which allowed Shepard to prove that Saren had gone rogue, earning him the honor of being named the first human spectre.

This was a historical event of immense importance, Tali realized, and it had been able to occur due in large part to her. Hell, the Councilors, Udina, Anderson, Shepard, and everyone else involved had treated her with the utmost respect, as if she wasn't even quarian. Up until that point, she had never believed such a thing was possible. It was also an experience that starkly contrasted with the events of the past few days. Even so, it did little to dull the sting from watching her shipmates die, being treated like dirt, hunted, and subsequently nearly killed herself.

Still, the events of the past few hours put her in a pleasant and optimistic mood. Tali greatly enjoyed feeling useful and helping people. Moreover, if the universe decided to be kind (which she honestly did not expect at this point), her assistance might even cause the rest of the galaxy to look more favorably upon her people. It was an unrealistically wishful dream, but it was still a pleasant one to indulge herself in.

At the moment, Tali was flowing Shepard out of the Council Chambers. She could hear him conversing with Anderson, Garrus, Wrex, and two other humans as they walked. Feeling excluded from the group, Tali drifted off into an inner realm of self-reflection.

She was awakened from her reverie several minutes later when Shepard addressed her.

"…and to think, we owe it all to Miss Zorah," he said, turning to face her.

Being the modest person that she was, Tali wasn't quite sure what to say. Eventually, she went with: "Please, you can call me Tali. And you're very welcome; I was happy to help."

"Okay then, Tali," Shepard said, flashing her a charming smile and putting a hand on her shoulder.

Tali felt her skin instantly flush with heat at the dual gesture. As such, she was extremely grateful for the fact that her suit and mask concealed everything but her bioluminescent eyes. If they didn't, Tali was sure that she would have died of embarrassment, especially considering that the person who had evoked this inappropriate response in her was an alien.

Could she really be having a crush on this human she barely knew? Tali had always known she was open to the idea of having relationship with an alien, which was an unsurprising fact considering her obsession with Fleet and Flotilla. However, she had always imagined that it would be a turian, if it ever happened at all (which was a decidedly low chance to begin with). She had, of course, done research on humans before leaving on her pilgrimage out of both curiosity and practicality, but until she had actually seen one in person, she hadn't fully grasped just how similar their species were biologically. In that case, perhaps it wasn't so weird for her to feel this way after all.

Tali was brought back to reality when Shepard removed his hand, frowning.

"Sorry. I just wanted you to know that I really appreciate what you did for me. I didn't mean to offend."

"Oh! No, it's fine. I just…um…well," she stammered, wringing her hands in front of her waist. Great. Now the handsome human thought she was pissed off at him. _Good going, Tali,_ she mentally chastised herself. _Wait. Did I just call him 'handsome'? Keelah…_

Luckily, Tali was saved from having to finish her sentence and further embarrassing herself by three approaching C-sec officers. Not so luckily, one of them appeared to be the same turian who'd given her trouble upon first arriving at the Citadel. He and his cronies were all armed and walked with a threatening swagger. Whatever they wanted, she knew it couldn't be good.

"Can I help you, officers?" Shepard greeted suspiciously.

"Sorry for the intrusion, but this suit rat accompanying you is under arrest," the man explained, gesturing at Tali.

Tali's heart dropped, her pleasant mood shattered in an instant. Did the universe just hate her for some arbitrary reason? The rest of the galaxy seemed to.

Shepard frowned. "On what charges?" he demanded angrily.

The turian sighed, clearly annoyed at having his authority questioned. Shepard guessed he was someone used to having his word taken as law, especially when abusing his power over the helpless.

"If you must know, the suit rat murdered a turian in cold blood shortly after arriving on the station. It lured him into an incinerator, hacked the controls, and locked him in there while the flames seared him to a crisp," he explained. "Damn cowardly and sadistic way to kill someone too, if you ask me," he commented spitefully, staring daggers at Tali.

Shepard was practically seeing red. He'd heard Tali's story both from Dr. Michel and from Tali herself.

"First of all," Shepard began, leaning in aggressively and practically yelling already, "*she* has a name; Tali'Zorah. Secondly, it was self-defense. Last time I checked, that's not illegal."

The turian officer snarled, showing the teeth-like ridges inside his mandibles. "If you know what's good for you, human, you'll back right off."

Shepard curled his fists, a gesture that he knew the officers had noticed. Deciding it best not to antagonize the authorities, he decided to wait and see what the man's justification for the arrest could possibly be before getting up in his face. Shepard settled into a more relaxed pose.

"Now, as I was trying to say…it's station policy to place all involved in violent incidents under arrest while the evidence is examined. Furthermore, we are legally able to charge her with tampering with citadel technology and vagrancy."

Shepard was back to an enraged state again. Anderson listened with rapt attention, proud of his former XO for standing up for what's right and curious about what the man would do. Not like he could get into any real trouble anyway, recently being named a spectre and all.

Kaiden merely shook his head. Wrex and Garrus glanced at each other, the former chuckling under his breath.

Ashley was the only one who decided to speak up. "Makes sense to me. What's the big deal anyway, Shepard? Let them take her."

Shepard wheeled on her. "Shut up, Williams, and never let me hear you question me again," he spat with such vitriol that the woman positively blanched. The woman was so taken aback that it was obvious she had no idea what to say.

Shepard turned back to the officer. "I assume you were watching the Council proceedings, then, if you were waiting until we were done so that you could arrest her."

"Yes, that is correct. But I'm not sure-"

"Then you just saw that she presented evidence which incriminates Saren Arterius and proves that he is working with the Geth; critical intel that could save untold lives," Shepard interrupted. "This woman is a damn hero, and you want to bring her in for defending herself from an assassin that was trying to kill her? What a fucking joke."

All three officers tensed, hands twitching for their guns. "Sir, I'm warning you…" the lead turian began.

"You don't care about protecting the innocent or doing what's right," Shepard plunged ahead, shoving a finger accusingly in the man's face. "You're just a racist bully abusing policy to bring in some quarian on bullshit charges so that you can legally make her life miserable for killing someone of your own race in self-defense!"

All three officers stepped back and drew their guns, pointing them at the brash human. Shepard's retinue stepped back, not wanting to get involved in case their hothead Commander decided to foolishly cross the law.

"How about I bring you in for obstruction of justice, threatening an officer, and harboring a fugitive?" the turian shot back. "That's if I'm feeling generous today *and* judge your apology to be sincere enough."

Tali stepped between Shepard and the turian. "Look, I don't want you to get in trouble for my sake," she began. "Maybe I had better just go with him."

"No, Tali, it's alright," Shepard answered, gently brushing her back behind him again. "I'm not going to let these bastards take you."

"You're pushing it, human. Listen to the suit rat," the turian chimed in.

"Or what?" Shepard asked, crossing his arms and striking a casual pose. "You going to arrest a council spectre? I'd like to see you try."

The turians glanced at one another. He had a point. They put their guns away in unison.

"You might be above the law, but she's not," the lead turian pointed out.

Shepard smirked. "That's where you're wrong. Tali joined my crew as a combat engineer. She's one of my people now, a critical asset on the mission to stop Saren. That means that she is under my protection, and by detaining her, you're interfering with that mission. And I'll have you know that I'm authorized to apprehend Saren _by any means necessary._ Are we clear?"

Shepard wasn't quite used to reading turians, but he could tell that the officer knew he had made a huge mistake. After several moments of awkward silence and twitching his mandibles back and forth, he finally spoke. "Very well. I'll officially strike these charges from the records," he said, activating his omni-tool and typing a few buttons on the haptic interface. "I'm sorry for the trouble, sir. Have a wonderful day." It was obvious that he didn't really mean it, though. His eyes revealed a simmering and impotent hatred.

Shepard briefly toyed with the idea of forcing the man to apologize directly to Tali, but he didn't want to push the envelope any more. Instead, he simply took a deep breath and pinched the bridge of his nose to cool down.

Wrex chuckled. It was deep, rumbling sound. "Damn, Shepard. I didn't know humans could have a quad that big," he said, clapping Shepard on the back.

He shrugged, not knowing what to say in response.

"Shepard, that was…" Tali began, clearly exasperated and extremely thankful. "That was amazing. No one has ever…I mean I didn't expect…thank you."

Shepard smiled back at her. It was amazing how expressive she could be with that suit obscuring her entire body. Her body language and tone of voice were practically radiating gratitude and immense relief.

"No thanks are necessary. I couldn't let them take you away like that. You didn't deserve it."

"Well, I appreciate it all the same," she answered, wringing her hands nervously again.

Garrus strode over to Shepard. "That guy you just told off was a crooked crop. Everyone knows he hates aliens, quarians most of all. Even more than usual, I mean. Bastard used to make my life miserable. I would've reported him, but I couldn't prove his illegal dealings. That, and people who cross him tend to wind up framed for a crime they didn't commit. Or dead."

"I hope he gets what's coming to him," Shepard responded. "Come on, we have a mission to plan. We can discuss it on the way to the ship."

"About that…" Anderson said as they started walking away.

* * *

Tali had never seen a more beautiful example of technological triumph in her entire life. Even from looking at merely the exterior of the ship, she could easily calculate how complex and advanced the Normandy's interior systems were. Why, the size of the drive core alone…not to diminish its physical beauty, of course, which was impressive in and of itself. The thing had to be the most massive and powerful frigate ever built, if not best ship in the galaxy. Tali would have killed to serve on a ship like this, or even just study it for a few hours. To someone like her, such an opportunity would be a dream come true.

As much as the Normandy fascinated her, it also left her feeling a bit depressed. This ship was light years ahead of anything her people had back in the migrant fleet. The drive cores, internal mechanisms, sensors, and computers of the _Rayya_ that she had so adored studying in her childhood seemed primitive and pathetic next to the machines that must surely lie inside this marvel of spaceflight. It just seemed so unfair that her people were condemned to drift through the void of space in a ramshackle flotilla of barely-functional, obsolete ships for a crime that their ancestors had committed centuries ago. The fact that humans, a species far younger than the glorious civilization of the ancient quarians, were held in higher standing, had a spectre, and were able to possess something like the Normandy…it almost made her want to weep at the injustice of it all.

At least she could be content in knowing that she'd had a chance to see it, even if only from the outside. It was a slight pleasure that she savored for the moment. Soon, she would have to get back to her pilgrimage…whatever she could make of it on this godforsaken station where she didn't have a home, barely any credits, no weapon, no friends, no crew, and no ship, that is.

Tali didn't want to think about what she would do next, but at the same time, she realized that her time was running out. Shepard had just finished speaking with the rest of the crew, Anderson, and Hackett about the mission.

"Admiring the ship?" Shepard asked, striding over to her and leaning on a rail.

"Yes. It's magnificent," Tali responded with undisguised awe in her voice. "We don't have anything like it at home."

Shepard stared off into the distance, unsure how to take her comment. He knew only the bare, essential facts about quarians, and didn't want to make her feel more jealous by asking what she meant. Instead, he simply stared at Anderson's…his…ship. Just thinking about the fact that the Normandy belonged to him now, that he was a spectre charged with the all-important task of tracking down Saren and stopping a war…it was an honor he felt he didn't deserve. And a burden.

Regardless, Shepard was committed to and outwardly confidant about getting the job done, even if he privately questioned his worthiness. Leading N7 troops and serving as an XO was one thing, but this…this was something else entirely.

As troubled as he was feeling, Shepard could only imagine how much worse the woman next to him felt at the moment. She was lost, traumatized, and all alone on a station full of bigots who thought of her as trash. It was a shame, really; Tali was a mechanical savant if her achievement of being the first person in all of history to retrieve an intact geth memory core was any indication.

Shepard almost grinned, a delightful thought coming to mind.

"Where will you go? What will you do now?" he asked Tali cautiously, curious if she already had plans for her future.

Tali delayed answering for a brief time. She could hear the concern in Shepard's voice, and it really touched her. She wanted to give him an answer, even if it was to simply say that she didn't have one.

"I don't know. My crew…my ship…they're gone, Shepard. I guess I'll try to finish my pilgrimage here, but…I don't…" Tali trailed off, uncertainty evident in her tone. She knew she sounded like a person who was utterly lost and broken. It wasn't far from the truth. She still felt a faint urge to cry.

"You know, I do need a tech expert and combat engineer. I'd be happy to have you aboard, if you're willing," Shepard offered.

Tali practically jumped as if electrocuted. The first thing that ran across her mind was that this human was taking pity on her. "Oh no, I couldn't impose. I appreciate the offer, Shepard, but you don't need to-"

"It's not an imposition at all. You're clearly a gifted technician, especially when it comes to geth. Someone who knows that much about them would be invaluable on this mission; I'll more than likely be fighting them quite a bit, especially if they're working for Saren."

Tali blushed at his compliment, once more thankful that the suit concealed her reaction. She'd be lying if she said that she hadn't fantasized about joining up with Shepard's crew. He was embarking upon an extremely dangerous mission, sure, but her recent brushes with death had somewhat desensitized her to the risk. Besides, after seeing how efficiently Shepard had dispatched those thugs in the alley, Tali wondered if she'd still be safer with him anyway, especially if all humans were just as formidable as he was. Moreover, the mission would likely present plenty of opportunities for her to find a pilgrimage gift. And it wasn't like she had anywhere else to go, anyway. Better a highly-advanced warship crewed by battle-hardened warriors that served under a fiercely anti-racist captain than a crowded station that hated quarians.

On the other hand, she would be the only quarian on board. It would be a confined and unfamiliar territory. With her social anxiety, she'd probably make a fool of herself and get kicked off the ship.

 _You're supposed to grow from your pilgrimage,_ Tali thought, reminding herself of the words her father had spoken to her before she left. _You're supposed to prove that you can be an adult. Time to stop being so damn nervous and suck it up._

Sure, it would likely be a very strange and scary experience at first. However, her trepidation at being stuck on an alien ship was tempered by her trust in Shepard, who had proven himself to be a friend to her in a very short amount of time.

And if she was being honest with herself…a big part of it was that she thought the dashing Commander was very attractive. She couldn't imagine just walking away from him. Not that she actually expected anything to come of her admiration, of course. The whole thing was quite ridiculous when she really thought about it. That didn't mean she couldn't take pleasure in fantasy, though, especially if no one was the wiser to her private thoughts.

"No pressure, take your time to think," Shepard said. "We're not leaving for Therum for at least several more hours while we re-supply. Alien crew members have different needs after all, heh."

"I think I've already made up my mind," Tali said, standing up straight and turning to face him.

Shepard tensed, hoping she'd say 'yes'.

"I'd be more than happy to join your crew, Shepard. It's a noble cause, and will give me a sense of purpose, at least," Tali explained.

Shepard was deeply impressed by her bravery and decisiveness. It couldn't have been an easy decision to come to. He was also more than a little relieved at her answer, to his puzzlement.

"Wonderful. Welcome aboard, Tali," Shepard said, holding out his hand.

Tali tilted her head, glancing curiously at his outstretched appendage.

"Sorry," Shepard said, retracting his hand and rubbing the back of his neck with it instead. "It's a human gesture. It's meant to signify partnership or…familiarity, I guess."

"Oh. That's…interesting," Tali remarked, tentatively holding out a three-fingered hand.

Shepard clasped her hand in his for a moment, shaking and squeezing it lightly. Tali thought it was a bizarre gesture, but it made a certain kind of sense. She could certainly see the appeal. Humans were odd but…relatable, in an abstract way. Probably had something to do with their similar appearances.

"Thank you for this opportunity," Tali said. "I'll do my best to repay my debt."

"I should be the one thanking you for letting me use that data," Shepard said, shaking his head in exasperation. "If one of us owes the other a debt, Tali, it's me. Offering you a position on my crew was the least that I could do. But that wasn't why I did it. I genuinely want you aboard. If you're going to be on my crew, I need you to understand that. You and I…we're even. You don't owe me anything more. I'll expect you to follow orders, of course, but you'll be free to go at any time."

Tali felt herself flushing again, but was also confused. She didn't understand the human idiom of being 'even'; it translated oddly inside of her helmet. It was only after her poorly-coded language program brought up an overly lengthy explanation of the phrase on the inside of her visor that she finally understood.

"Tali?"

"Sorry. That last thing you said didn't translate right. It took me a second to get it, but I understand, Shepard."

"Good," the human man replied with a handsome smile. "It would probably be a smart idea for you to upgrade your translation software and do some research on human customs. I'll do the same for quarians, and order the crew to do it as well."

"Can do," Tali said, nodding enthusiastically.

"Now come along," Shepard said, waving her in the direction of the Normandy's airlock. I'll show you around the ship and get you settled in. You're going to need to report to Dr. Chakwas for a physical, and to make sure she'll be able to treat you. We're also going to need to have a conversation about your special needs aboard the ship…"

As Shepard began giving her the rundown and leading her into the Normandy, Tali couldn't help but feel optimistic. It felt as if she was walking into the sunrise of a better, happier day ahead.

For the first time in nearly 72 hours, Tali smiled.


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Notes: Thank you so much to those of you who are reviewing, following, and favoriting. Especially since this ship is so old in general. I really appreciate it.**

 **On a somewhat related note, if you like Wonder Woman/Batman ship fics, I have another ongoing (and long) one called Three Dances. My conception of Shepard in this story is largely inspired by a gritty Batman. I love byronic heros. Just thought I'd let you guys know in case that interests you. My goal is to update chapters for that story and this one alternatively, starting with this one.**

 **For clarification: quite a bit will be different from the games. The story will be entirely centered around Tali and Shepard's relationship. This is not a full novelization. So the changes won't be too significant, mostly having to do with the pacing of their romance. (It will develop a lot faster than it does in normal gameplay). Eventually there will be a ME3 ending rewrite and glimpse into Tali and Shepard post ME3. Little time will be spent in ME2 and ME3, since I like most of the interactions that Shepard and Tali have in those games.**

 **Also, Shepard is Colonist/Sole Survivor.** ( **Yeah, I know: shitty deal.)** **His class is custom. It's kinda like a vanguard, but not really. More like a heavy commando who focuses on being as deadly as possible while not dying. I.E. Heavy weapons, heavy armor, excellent barriers, excellent melee skills, and offensive biotics as opposed to support or crowd control ones. That's what him using reave was about. He's a biotic prodigy, but only when it comes to tearing things apart since he has tons of anger in him. He is paragade (or renegon, if you prefer).**

 _Crimson exploded out of the quarian's wounds like a macabre geyser, splashing into Tali and soaking her envirosuit. The attack was so sudden, so world-shatteringly unexpected, that the man didn't have time to do anything but gurgle sickeningly as his body practically disintegrated into a pulpy mess under the weight of mass accelerator fire._

 _A crushing grip of ice coalesced around Tali's heart. She couldn't speak or even scream in reaction; her vocals cords refused to obey. Not even her lungs would function properly, refusing to take in air._

 _That one horrific instant seemed to pass torturously slow, suffocating her as it stretched on for an agonizing eternity._

 _Then, like glass shattering, painfully vivid awareness slammed into Tali's brain. Mercifully, her adrenaline kicked in. Tali remembered her father's training. With quaking fingers, she somehow managed to activate her combat shielding._

 _The next thing she knew, Tali was running. It was not the playful running of her childhood, or even an enjoyable, brisk run for sport. No, she ran for her life, heart pounding violently in her chest. She felt the blood pulsating in her ears like the beat of some ominous drum. A terrified shriek from somewhere behind her slashed at her eardrums—equal parts terror and pain. Tears cascaded down her face to the obscene, discordant rhythm of gunfire, pounding feet, and more quarian shrieks._

 _Suddenly, the cacophony stopped, replaced by cold, eerie silence. Still, Tali did not look back. She just kept running into what seemed like a pitch-black cavern. Soft, distorted whispers began to hiss into her ears as if someone was standing right next to her. At first they came individually, but soon they were increasing in volume, frequency, and variety. Their messages were different but each communicated the same theme:_

" _Coward."_

" _Traitor."_

" _Why you, Tali? What makes you so special?_

" _You could have saved us!"_

" _What makes you think that you deserve this? To live your life, a chance I'll never have?"_

" _We died for you!"_

 _Tali pressed on despite her fear and confusion. Soon the voices were overwhelming, shouting over one another like the screaming collective of a thousand vengeful ghosts. Their accusations became one long, senseless barrage of words that stabbed at her psyche with each syllable._

 _Suddenly, out of the darkness, a man's face flew toward her. It was Fist. He reached a clawed and bloody hand for her, snarling viciously. His eyes blazed with baleful red light, as if possessed by a demon. Fire blazed around him, incinerating the souls of her deceased shipmates._

 _Just before Fist's gaping, tooth-filled maw closed around her, Tali saw mutilated quarian corpses smoldering into piles of ash._

 _She heard another high-pitched scream. The burning in her throat told her that it was her own._

Tali jerked forward, slamming her head into the reinforced glass window of the sleeper pod. Luckily, her mask and helmet absorbed much of the blow. The small ache she got was a welcome feeling: it told her that she was both alive and awake, unlike her slain companions from the nightmare. Though at this point, she couldn't tell if that was a good thing or not.

Cold sweat drenched Tali's body. She panted heavily for a few tense moments, then let out a much-needed sob.

"I'm sorry…" she whispered softly into the uncaring silence of the pod's interior.

* * *

After an immeasurably irksome amount of time, Tali emerged from the sleeper pod. Between the absolute, oppressive silence of the device and the blur of traumatic images that flickered across the forefront of her conscious mind like a slideshow, the young quarian engineer knew that sleep was an impossible goal.

Tali glanced around her. No one seemed to have noticed her distress, even the few human crew members that milled about the area. Though there was a distinct possibly that they had noticed but didn't care, she realized. More likely than not, however, the pods were simply soundproof. Yes, that made sense.

Deciding that best way to take her mind off the effects of sleep deprivation and stress of the nightmare was to do some work, Tali began heading down to the lowest level of the ship. The Normandy's drive core was her new favorite thing in the world. If anything could relax her, the marvelously advanced Tantalus was it. If not the mere sight of it, then perhaps doing some routine maintenance work.

Technically speaking, Tali knew she didn't need to be in the core's presence to appreciate it. With her photographic memory, she could easily imagine the object, or even its blueprints, with perfect detail. While an effective counter to the images of her dying friends etched permanently on her brain, being near the core was infinitely better. For some reason, its physical proximity was like a calming beacon to her.

 _Hell, maybe I'll even curl up and sleep on the floor in there. Uncomfortable, yes, but still better than the pod. Assuming, of course, I'm both able to sleep again and courageous enough to risk it._

Soon, Tali was on the lowest deck of the ship. She stepped out of the elevator and was about to head over to the engineering section when she heard a strange sound. It was a dull, muted thumping, and it was emanating from somewhere behind the Mako. Curious, and not really having anything better to do, Tali decided to investigate. Besides, it could be a ship malfunction. The quarian in her would be remiss if she didn't confirm the integrity of vital systems, however paranoid the notion might be.

When Tali got closer, she began to hear faint groans and sighs interspersed with the thumping. They were breathless and deep. Male, Tali guessed, though she couldn't tell if they were sounds of pain or something else.

Concerned, but also wary of intruding on another's privacy (a concept quarians held very dear, after all) she decided to creep up to the edge of the Mako and peer around the side. What Tali saw perplexed and intrigued her.

Commander Shepard was there, standing diagonally from her. A tall, cylindrical object—maybe a bag? —hung in front of him by a length of chain. He was punching it furiously, unleashing a steady torrent of one-two combos, uppercuts, backhands, jabs, and other more complex maneuvers. The bag swayed and quivered under his strikes. It was either weak or he was hitting it very hard. Based on the deadly skill that Tali had witnessed the man display in the alleyway, she assumed it was probably the latter.

From her position, Tali could glimpse a little of his face. Shepard's expression seemed to be contorted with rage. Sweat ran down his skin and his attacks were growing more violent by the second. He muttered something vitriolic under his breath and grit his teeth.

Tali would have been lying if she said that a little trickle of fear hadn't just raced along her spine. Shepard was kind of a scary person; a man who could kill efficiently and without hesitation or remorse. He reminded her of Fist and Saren's men, only more efficiently lethal. She shuddered, remarking to herself that it was a good thing he was on her side.

Still, Tali knew rationally that Shepard was decent and moral guy at heart. Despite his gritty demeanor, the man had shown himself to be caring, friendly, polite, charming, well intentioned, and more. She felt comfortable around him, even safe. Still, there was a sense of uneasiness there that Tali could not control. Her life had recently taken a bizarre 90-degree turn out of nowhere. Her shattered perception of the world was having a tough time reconciling Shepard's character with the fragility of life and inherent cruelty of the universe.

Tali shook her head, dispelling the philosophical and introspective line of thinking. She peered back at Shepard, unsure what the proper reaction to such a scene was.

That was when it struck her. Shepard wasn't wearing a shirt. She could see his thickly muscled, glistening back, arms, and chest in all their glory. His body seemed to be begging Tali to run her hands reverently all over it. She licked her lips. Tali desperately wanted that. She wanted to feel the creases of his strong muscles, the softness of his skin, the…

Tali practically choked on her own saliva. She became painfully aware of her racing heartbeat and flushed skin. Her hands curled in frustration, her gut reaction somewhere between "What is wrong with me?" and "Really? Now of all times, libido?"

She shouldn't be watching this. She shouldn't be feeling this way. Besides, it was inappropriate to spy on Shepard, especially with him being partially undressed. Clearly there was nothing wrong over here. Curiosity sated, it was time to head to engineering and try to alleviate her restlessness.

However, Tali couldn't look away. The promise of the drive core faded into the distant recesses of her mind, along with the blur of maddening nightmares that lingered just below the surface of her subconscious. Staring at Shepard's handsome form, she felt at peace for the first time since retrieving that geth's ancestor-forsaken memory core.

Shepard roared with fury and slammed the punching bag with mighty fist. Dark energy swirled around him, imbuing his strike with extra force. Against a real live enemy, the effect would have been bone-crunching. Instead the punch whipped it so hard that the chain broke, causing the battered punching bag to fly across the room. It impacted loudly with a bulkhead.

"Shit," Shepard growled. His voice was drowned out, however, by a loud, feminine squeal that came from directly behind him.

Shepard spun around to see a very shocked, sprawled-out-on-the-floor Tali.

"What the…are you okay?!" he exclaimed, rushing over to her. A jolt of panic shot through him. Had he unknowingly hurt her with a biotic blast in his moment of reckless anger?

Tali looked up to see Shepard's handsome face hovering over her. Now that she had a better look at him, he seemed exhausted and on edge. A set of bags could be seen under his eyes, indicating a lack of sleep.

"I'm fine, Shepard," Tali said accepting his offered hand. She could swear she felt her hand tingling at the contact.

"I didn't hurt you, did I?" he asked. "No suit breaches?"

Tali shook her head, standing upright again now.

Shepard nodded solemnly. "That's good. In any case, I'm sorry for startling you like that. I just…got a little carried away, I guess," he said, shrugging. "I really should have better control of my biotics. My old teachers would fling me across a room if they saw that."

 _Shit,_ Shepard thought. _She's probably even more terrified of me now. As if being an intimidating captain and deadly spectre wasn't enough…_

"Not that I don't have control, normally, I mean," he went on. "I just thought that I was alone, this being the night shift and all. I was kind of…venting a little frustration, and let it get the better of me."

"Oh, it's…okay," Tali said, nervousness pervading her voice and body language. "I understand. Really, it's my fault for standing there and, um, getting so easily startled, which is why I fell over," she went on, feeling like a total fool. "I didn't mean to worry you or anything, and…"

Shepard chuckled softly to diffuse the situation, holding up a palm. "Don't worry about it. I guess we're both a little out-of-sorts tonight. We are only human, after all."

From Tali's cocked head, Shepard could tell the alien woman was confused. "Er, right. I guess you're not totally used to human idioms yet. I meant that we're both imperfect sapients who make mistakes. See, back before humans made first contact, when our species was the only intelligent life we knew of, we used the phrased 'only human' to signify that we acknowledge another's personhood. Now that I've been around aliens, I can't help but see the humanity in them, even though, technically speaking, they're not human."

"Interesting. That makes sense," Tali said a little listlessly. She was having trouble focusing with Shepard's bare upper body exposed and inches away from her like that. Still, she found it heartening to know that Shepard saw her as being human in an abstract, metaphorical sense.

That line of thinking cut itself off abruptly when Tali became aware of the awkward silence that settled over the room. She was staring. Keelah. Shepard was going to think she was some kind of pervert, especially since it was obvious that she'd been watching him for who knew how long. She felt a rush of embarrassment pass through her body, and briefly fantasized about fleeing and hiding in an escape pod.

Meanwhile, the human commander was having a similar internal dialogue. He suddenly felt self-conscious about his half-nakedness and the fact that Tali was staring at him. He couldn't read her actual expression, so he could only assume that the woman was mortified. Being a quarian, they probably had different ideas about the appropriateness of exposing oneself. Among fellow humans, especially other male soldiers, it was less than a non-issue. Shepard hadn't stopped to think that an alien culture might see things differently.

 _I'm amazed I haven't scared or weirded her off the ship by now,_ Shepard thought. _Maybe it's better that way. I'm a scared, grizzled spectre with issues who loses everyone around him. She's a relatively innocent, kind-hearted young woman. Wrex and Garrus know the score, and being nearly a hundred years old, Liara must have lived a somewhat full life. Tali, though…she doesn't belong here. Damnit. Maybe I shouldn't have asked her to come along._

Shepard frowned. "I should probably put a shirt on. Sorry about that," he said, turning around and doing just that. He found a small part of himself desperately hoping that this jumpy quarian would still be there when he finished.

To his surprise, she was. To his extreme ignorance, she hated seeing the stupid piece of fabric covering up that masterpiece of a torso. Not that Tali was going to admit that, even to herself.

"I should probably leave you alone," Tali said, wringing her hands. "Sorry for disturbing you." She began walking away.

Against his better judgement, Shepard stepped forward and put a hand on her shoulder. "Wait. All you all right? What are you doing up at this hour, especially down here?"

Tali tried not to reveal how much she liked the contact, but also not to flinch, either. She didn't want him to think she was drawn to him or repulsed. Trying to retain a cool indifference, she said; "I suppose I could ask you the same question. But it's because I couldn't sleep. The pods are too quiet, and I was having nightmares, and so I came down here to distract myself by working on the core, and I heard a weird noise and decided to investigate. But, um…Keelah, I wasn't, like, spying on you or anything. I just saw what you were doing and then…"

Shepard smiled, not realizing how weak it made her knees. "It's alright, I understand. You don't have to explain yourself to me."

As he spoke, something Tali had said flashed inside Shepard's mind. Nightmares. She couldn't could sleep, either. It was something they had in common; Shepard was up at this ungodly hour for the same reason, though the exact cause was different. Hers were likely a blur of the gruesome experiences she had had ever since retrieving the memory core. His were intermingled visions of Mindoir, Akuze, and Reaper prophecies.

All in all, Shepard knew his were likely far worse than Tali's. However, he also recognized that he'd had plenty of time to adjust to them; they'd been recurring almost nightly ever since each had first happened. Tali, on the other hand, was not so mentally hardened. This was all new to her. Shepard could well imagine the immense hurt that she must feel. After all, he'd hit rock bottom plenty of times before.

What she needed most of all was a sympathetic friend, the kind which Shepard wished that he'd had to help him through his own despair and loss.

"Look, Tali, I think I know what you're going though. I've been there. Hell, I'm there now. I was actually hitting that bag to release some of my own angst. I was having nightmares and couldn't sleep, either. In fact, I could really use some company right now. If you'd like, we can have a seat and talk about it. Who knows, it might do you some good."

Tali was floored. She hadn't expected him to care so much, or even to understand her. Did she want to spend time with Shepard? Hell yes. Especially if he really did get it (which seemed probable, him being an N7 leader with an illustrious military career).

Doubt plagued her mind, though. She hadn't fully accepted her new circumstances, feelings about Shepard, or even the recent events of her life. Why did everything have to be so confusing and difficult?

"I don't know, Shepard," Tali said, wondering if she was sounding rude.

The man shrugged. "Your call. Either way, I'm heading up to the mess hall for some coffee, and you're invited to come along," he said, walking over to the elevator.

Tali bit her lip. What did she have to lose?

"Ok. I'll tag along, then, if you really don't mind."

"Good," Shepard said. He'd been hoping she would say that.

* * *

"So, what did you mean when you said you couldn't sleep?" Shepard asked, cradling a steaming hot cup of that weird black human drink that everyone on the Normandy seemed to adore.

"Well, two things, really. First of all, those sleeper pods are perfectly quiet. It's so eerie."

Shepard raised an eyebrow. "And what's wrong with that?"

"Nothing. I just mean that I don't understand how other races can sleep that way. Quarian ships, you see, they constantly make a lot of noise. The machinery is old and grinds together. It rattles and clunks, but the sound means it's functioning, at least. Silence is the worst thing we can hear; it signifies that something important, like an air filter, sterilizer, or engine stopped working."

"Wow. I can see why that would be terrifying," Shepard said. "If you don't mind me asking, why are your ships so run-down? Not to sound rude or stereotype, but I thought quarians were naturally gifted with technology."

"We are. Most of us, anyway. But there's only so much we can do with old tech. The Flotilla has to purchase obsolete, condemned starships for next to nothing and somehow get them in working order. We also salvage and whatever technology we can. We're not vorcha, but we repurpose most things other species throw away," Tali explained.

"Why's that?"

"Well, without a homeworld, proper economy, or abundant resources, we don't have any means to maintain proper, modern vessels. Even if we did have the credits for it, most merchants wouldn't do business with us out of hatred for creating the geth. For instance, Illium won't even let us anywhere near it."

"What about doing your own mining?" Shepard asked, frowning.

Tali nodded. "We do, on occasion. We're limited to abandoned planets or asteroids no one else considers worth exploiting. The Council refuses to let us stake claims anywhere else. In fact, they've threatened us with military action if we so much as establish a base or colony anywhere actually desirable."

Shepard let go of his mug, not wanting to crush it to pieces as his fists tightened. Instead, he gripped the edge of the table. "That's fucking evil. Your people shouldn't have to pay for a mistake your ancient ancestors made. It's this kind of shit that makes me think the galaxy isn't worth saving, sometimes."

Tali was unsure what to say. She shared the sentiment, but had learned long ago to simply accept the horrible circumstances her people were condemned to. Raging about the unfairness of it all wouldn't change anything. Not that she didn't appreciate the human's fervor.

Shepard took a deep breath. He didn't want this energetic, lively woman to think he was some kind of bitter, pessimistic war veteran. With a smile, he decided to change the subject.

"You know, I did some reading about the Flotilla. You have a lot of ships; the biggest fleet in the galaxy if you count civilian vessels. That's impressive. Even with the shitty hand of cards life gave you, your people are surviving. I can respect that. It takes a lot of courage and determination to keep going, no matter how grim the circumstances."

Tali nodded again. "Thank you. It…means a lot to hear you say that. No one else seems to understand or care. You're different, though, Shepard. Up until a week ago, I hadn't imagined that a human could be so kind to me personally, much less admire my entire race."

"You're welcome, Tali. And for what it's worth, I admire you a lot, too. What you went through…not many people could have survived it, let alone emerged sane. You're clearly gifted, extremely intelligent, determined, and a competent warrior as well. Don't ever forget that."

Tali felt like the inside of her suit was an inferno, and she guessed that her grayish-silver skin was blushing a darker shade. To know that Shepard viewed her in this light…it felt positively amazing. Though her hopes were dashed when she realized that he meant it in a strictly professional sense, of course. What else could he possibly mean to imply?

Tali paused for a while, trying to conjure the words. "Wow. I…thank you. No one's ever said anything like that to me before. Not even…well, you know what I mean."

Shepard smiled. "No need to be modest, Tali. You must be renowned among your people as a genius. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if you go down in the history books for what you did."

"Well, sort of. I suppose I did come up with salvaging procedures that boosted conversion efficiency by 11%. And then there was my A.I./V.I. research, which enabled new hacking techniques in our scientific community. Oh, and there was that prototype power conduit…um, not that I'm trying to brag or anything. Sometimes I just get carried away when talking about technology."

Shepard shrugged. "That's perfectly alright. In the N7 program I was an assault expert. I specialized in heavy weapons, melee combat, offensive biotics, personal barriers, tactics, and leadership. As someone whose scientific skills are essentially non-existent, technology fascinates me. Maybe you could tell me about all that stuff sometime. I'd love to hear about it. Assuming, of course, that you don't mind being patient and having to explain everything in simple terms."

Tali giggled. "That sounds great, Shepard. I'd love to. Maybe we could also have a chat about humans? I have a ton of questions, and there's only so much you can learn from the extranet."

It was Shepard's turn to laugh. "Okay, sure. I'm curious about your culture too. I hadn't brought it up yet because I didn't want to bombard you with questions."

"Thanks, I appreciate that," Tali said. "I'm curious, though; why not talk now? We're already here, alone, after all. The next shift starts in three hours."

"I thought we could hold off on it until later. For now, I wanted to speak with you about those nightmares you've been having. If you're comfortable with it, of course."

Tali hesitated. Was she really ready to talk about something so personal and traumatic with Shepard? Even if she wasn't, it's not like there was anyone else around that was closer to her than him. He was the only one who seemed to show interest and concern at this point, and Tali knew that she couldn't keep going like this, having sleepless nights and waking up screaming.

She sighed. "Okay. It's just…I can't get everything that happened out of my head. No matter how hard I try, it's always hovering there in the background." Tali punctuated her words with a shiver of disgust. She folded her arms across her chest and raised one hand to her helmet. "And it doesn't help that I have an eidetic memory, either."

"What do you mean 'eidetic'?" Shepard asked. He was surprised that his translator had picked up something she'd said in her own language and given him a word he didn't understand. Evidently that top of the shelf program he'd requisitioned for all the crew was impressively thorough.

"Oh, right. Well, among my people, an extremely rare few of us possess a memory with perfect recall. We remember almost everything we experience in vivid detail. I'm one of those. Er…not to brag or anything," she said, looking down and wringing her hands at the last part.

"Don't worry, Tali. It didn't come off that way. Besides, it's healthy to have an accurate estimation of your own abilities, and to take pride in them," Shepard said, finally taking sip of his piping hot coffee. "But I understand. We have a similar phenomenon among humans. We call it 'photographic memory', after a primitive form of capturing visual images."

"Then you can imagine how it makes me feel. I can remember the exact sensation of being shot in the arm, the fever that made me want to die, and the humiliation of bleeding across the Citadel as I begged fruitlessly for anyone to help me. It's like I'm still there. But most of all…I can see the death of my friends, in all the gruesome details, even down…down to the…" Tali trailed off, voice threatening to crack with emotion. "The pattern of Ren'Kala's blood spray as it struck my shawl." Tali swallowed, choking down tears. It didn't matter if her face got wet; the suit would clean it for her. She couldn't let Shepard hear her cry, though. That would be mortifying.

That was when Shepard did something Tali would never have predicted; he reached across the table and gently took one of her hands in his. "Tali," he said, his voice becoming uncharacteristically soft, "I'm _so_ sorry. You didn't deserve that, and you certainly don't have to talk about it if it's too painful."

It took Tali a long time to respond. Shepard's hand felt good on hers, and it was nice to have emotional support. The only person Tali had back at the Flotilla for that was Shala'Raan, but the older woman was far too busy to give her much attention.

Finally, she said, "Thank you. But I need to…talk about this. I need someone to hear it and understand," somehow maintaining her composure. Eventually, she went on, shaking her head in frustration as she spoke. "It's like it's all still happening. I just _can't escape_ it. Every minute of every day…then it follows me into my dreams. Keelah, Shepard…the dreams. I've woken up screaming, crying, or both, every night since then. I honestly don't know what I'm going to do," she explained shakily.

Shepard squeezed her hand. His countenance appeared devastated, as if he himself were suffering her pain. He didn't say anything at first. Instead, he let the quarian calm down and take in his silent support as he formulated his words.

"Have you ever heard of Akuze?" he asked, practically in a monotone. He removed his hand from hers to capture her full attention.

Tali sniffed. "No, I don't think so."

Shepard grimaced. "It's a barren hellhole of a planet. A lot of Alliance marines died there. And I was in the middle of it."

Tali looked up at him. "I read a little about you; that you were the sole survivor of a huge battle. I just didn't know the planet name, or any other details."

Shepard nodded. "The extranet articles don't do it justice. Sure, you can read about how many men died there, and how I'm such big damn hero for being the only one to survive. They can't communicate the full horror of what happened on Akuze, though." Shepard looked forlornly away at the end of the sentence.

"And what did happen?" Tali asked.

Shepard was deep in thought. How much dare he tell her? He didn't like exposing how angsty and damaged he was, especially not to those that were supposed to look up to him, to see him as a fearless leader whose orders they could trust. There was something more, though. At great length, Shepard realized that he also didn't want Tali, specifically, to see him in that light. Her opinion of him mattered in a way that no one's had since he'd started callously ostracizing himself.

Regardless of whatever odd feelings he might be having, Shepard knew that he could help her. That was what took precedent over all his other concerns. He couldn't just leave this woman hanging like that. She needed him, and if there was one thing John Shepard refused to do, it was abandon an innocent in need. End of story.

Shepard sighed. "It wasn't a battle," he said, swiveling to look Tali directly in the eyes. "It was a massacre. There were thresher maws, Tali, and they came out of nowhere. They devoured a company of soldiers like they were nothing. The Alliance swept it under the rug, made it seem like it was a heroic fight, and I was their poster boy, their proof of human endurance. But the truth is, someone fucked up; a mistake that resulted in forty-nine people suffering agonizing deaths at the hands of nightmarish monsters on a rock of useless dust."

"Keelah, Shepard…I didn't know," Tali said, awed.

Shepard shook his head. "Not true. You do know, Tali. That's my point. You don't have to suffer in silence. I'm here for you, because I get it. This is something we both have in common."

"No. We don't. You saw more people, more friends, die. And in a more brutal way, too. It's hardly fair to compare the two," Tali said, ever the charitable, self-sacrificing Samaritan.

Shepard shrugged. "Perhaps. Perhaps not. I was solider, I had seen plenty of death already, had a chance to get used to it. And I don't possess a memory like yours, either. Not that it really matters."

Tali cocked her head. "Why not?"

"Because it's not about keeping score. It's about the after effects. I saw people eaten alive, screaming. People sucked into sinkholes or dissolved with acid as they begged me to save them. That haunts me to this very day, even in my sleep. At first, I felt like you do. I could barely keep it together at times. Even now, I still feel that way on occasion."

"How did you learn to live with it?" Tali asked, hopeful. It was a desperate kind of hope.

"That's the thing," Shepard said, smiling. It was a sardonic, wry grin without mirth. "You don't. It would be easy to say that there's some trick, some magic solution to make it all go away. But there's no good in lying about it. The truth is, the survivors guilt…the horror of it… you can't escape them. Every time I think about Akuze, I can't help but wonder…is there something I could have done to save someone…anyone…just one person, even…instead of saving myself like a coward?" He shook his head. "Sometimes, in my dreams, it's like my fellow soldier's screams are calling out to me, showing me their deaths as a form of torture for not saving them, for having the audacity to survive."

Tali felt sick; nauseated with panic. "Why are you telling me this?!" She said, half-aghast and half-terrified.

"I'm getting to that," Shepard replied, casually taking a sip of coffee as if they weren't having an incredibly dark conversation. "I can offer you two things. One, an example of what not to do: be like me. You see, after it happened, I gave up. On life, I mean. I decided that it was pointless and random and cruel and unfair. That's why I joined the N7 program: I wanted to die taking my wrath out on someone who deserved it. I became a hollow, empty person. No friends, no family, no lovers…just a shell. I was in a low place, Tali. I'll spare you the details. Luckily, Captain Anderson came along. He was my first friend since that day. He pulled me off a road to nowhere, and for that, I'll always be grateful."

"I see," Tali said hesitantly. "You don't want me to follow your example. But what's the other option?"

Shepard grinned, this time with sincere happiness. "The exact opposite. Instead of dwelling in the past, on what you've lost, look forward. Make new friends, or teammates, or lovers, whatever. Take solace in them. These burdens are too much for one person to carry alone, but shared between people who are there for you…that's another story entirely. It's one I wish I'd heard sooner. Isolation is not the answer."

"Wow. That makes a lot of sense," Tali said, voice clearer and calmer now. "I do feel a lot better by talking to you about it. It still hurts, but it's nice knowing there's someone around who's there for me and knows what I've been through. So thank you for that, Shepard. Really."

"No problem. It's my pleasure. In fact, I think this has been beneficial for me, too. Healing is a long, never-ending process. Just know that I'm available to talk, any time, any place. Even late at night like this," Shepard responded, smiling warmly at her. "Besides, there's a good chance the two of us will be unable to sleep at the same time again," he joked.

"True," Tali said, laughing a little. It was partially a laugh of nervousness. She couldn't believe that Shepard had been so candid with her, let alone giving her an open invitation to his ear like that. She'd also been telling the truth when she said the talk helped. "I feel a lot better," she added earnestly.

"I'm glad to hear it. Now, perhaps we can have that chat about technology and our respective societies?" Shepard suggested.

What an excellent way to take her mind off things. By now Tali knew she loved talking to Shepard. He seemed to bring her out of her introverted shell like no one else could for some reason. And it was astounding that he was so interested in her people. She mentally added it to the list "reasons why Commander Shepard is awesome".

"I'd like that," Tali eagerly replied.


	4. Chapter 4

Shepard leaned forward and charged at his target, shoulder in the lead. He crooked an arm for a vicious backhanded swing. "Aggghhh!" he growled, as if he were a krogan berserker.

The slim quarian agilely stepped out of his way at the last moment, using her superior leg muscles to empower her steps with additional spring. One of her three-fingered hands shot out, striking Shepard's shoulder with a well-timed open palm blow. His momentum was redirected and he stumbled diagonally away from her, even almost going to a knee.

"Nice," Shepard said, panting. His back was still turned. "And what would you have done if we were actually fighting for real?"

"I would've kicked you in the back of the-" Tali began.

She was cut off early by Shepard, who spun around suddenly and swung a savage left hook at her faceplate. Tali was hardly surprised. 'People fight dirty' had been one of Shepard's first lessons when they had started sparring together. She had taken that lesson to heart, and as such, hadn't been fooled by his apparent unbalance. Her body was still in a combat pose.

Rather than try to block or slap away the strike with her inferior strength, she simply stepped to the side and pushed Shepard's fist away from her, causing him to unbalance again. Tali could have broken his arm, just like he had done to Fist in the alleyway. That had been Shepard's second lesson: bodies were a lot more fragile than people thought, and anyone could easily break bones with a little leverage. With her eidetic memory, Tali could even visualize every move Shepard had shown her.

But she didn't. It was just a mock fight. Even Shepard, the strict…uh, what did had called himself? Sensei? Even he was going easy on her. "I'll fight like a thug or common merc, not like an N7 Spectre," he had said. If the man had, he would've have attacked in a way that left him not so vulnerable to his own weight being moved around.

Tali settled on a simpler trick. This fight had gone on long enough. It was time to prove that she'd mastered Shepard's lessons. She grabbed his extended arm with both of hers and wheeled him around in a circle. At the same time, one of her legs braced against Shepard's shin. When Tali released him from the spin, his legs were taken right out from under him. He sunk to the ground like a rock.

Shepard grunted and braced himself with his arms. Both his knees were touching the floor. He'd lost, as per the terms of their duel.

Tali opened her mouth to remind him of this very fact, but Shepard decided to be a jerk. He flipped over and hit her with a leg sweep. Since she was already bending forward to offer him a hand, she fell straight towards him. Shepard braced her fall, but she still landed on top of him.

"Cheater!" Tali chuckled, craning her head to look up at him from its position against his chest.

"Sorry," Shepard laughed playfully. "I couldn't resist."

Tali barely heard him. She was too busy being in awe of the fact that time seemed to stand still. Her face (or rather, faceplate) was mere inches from Shepard's. She could see that perfect jawline, that hauntingly charming smile…and those eyes. Oh, Keelah, those eyes! Shepard's orbs seemed to bore straight through her mask, suit, and even body, straight down to her soul.

The quarian engineer was beyond nervous. She was mortified. Her whole body seemed to be on fire and her heart pounded a rhythm of desire in her chest. She had to fight the sudden urge to run her hands along Shepard's torso. It was almost painful. If she hadn't been wearing the helmet, Tali was certain, she would have gripped the back of his head and kissed him in a moment of unbridled, impulsive passion.

Of course, it didn't help that he was looking straight into her own (albeit bioluminescent) eyes. A moment of awkward silence passed between them. Hoping against all hope, Tali scrutinized Shepard for any sign that he was enjoying this experience.

"Keelah…" Tali dreamingly moaned. _Shit! Did I say that out loud?_ she thought. _That's it. I want to die. Take me now, ancestors._

Shepard frowned, his look returning its normal, icy visage. "Well, this is awkward," he observed, starting to disentangle himself. "Sorry."

Tali practically jumped off him and stood up again. "No! I mean, yeah I guess it was a little awkward but I didn't…it wasn't like…"

"No, I'm sorry, Tali. It was just a bad joke," Shepard said, standing now. "I know how quarians regard personal space. I won't do that again."

Tali didn't know what to say. Instead, she tried to fight the urge to shiver with nervousness and desire. Her hormones were railing at her to tell him how he made her feel, and how much she would've like for him to do it again.

"Anyways, your aikido is coming along perfectly," Shepard said, trying to kill some of the tension. "Those thorian creepers wouldn't be able to touch you now."

Tali nodded. She could well remember the incident. Back on Feros, a couple of those zombie-like plant people had snuck through Shepard's kill zone and Wrex's wall of muscle. The bosh'tets swarmed her, scraping and clawing and dragging her down. She'd screamed. Shepard had wheeled around, yelling her name at the top of his lungs. In a flash, he was standing over her, plowing into the monsters like a god of destruction. He'd hit them so hard, strength boosted even further by his biotics, that the creatures violently ejected off her and smashed against a wall fifteen feet away. Dark green pulp was all that had been left of them.

Ever since that near-death experience, Shepard had taken it upon himself to train her in martial arts. Although Tali had learned how to handle weapons and basic military tactics back on the Flotilla, there had been no time to teach her any sophisticated hand-to-hand fighting techniques. Quarians generally avoided melee, anyway. Both sexes' upper bodies were significantly weaker than their counterparts in every species, and with their weakened immune systems, a suit breach was inevitable. Not to mention, a hose or power cable could get snagged on something and break. Instead, quarians relied on stealth, tech, and debilitating distractions followed up by long range attacks.

Luckily, there was one thing quarians did have: their legs. What they lacked in upper body, they made up for in lower body. The average quarian could easily outrun the average human, not to mention kick harder and jump higher. It was an advantage of having bent, dog-like shins. Evolution had selected primordial quarians for running, leaping, kicking, and scrambling over craggy rocks, after all.

That's why Shepard decided to teach her a combination of aikido and muay-thai kickboxing. The former was for evading hits, tiring out a clumsy enemy, and using an opponent's own strength against them. The latter was for offense once the target was neutralized or weakened. Luckily, with her legs the way they were, Tali excelled at both.

In fact, she'd progressed through Shepard's training faster than he'd thought possible. The engineer took great satisfaction during their daily sessions in perplexing him with her rapid advancement. Photographic memory had its advantages.

Tali shook her head, remembering where she was. "Good to know. I don't want something like that to ever happen again. Thank you, Shepard. Really. I mean it."

He smiled back at her. "You're welcome. I couldn't bear if something happened to you." _Damn,_ he admonished himself. _You almost gave it away._

"Oh?" Tali, asked, folding her arms across her chest and shifting her weight to one leg.

Shepard nodded. "Of course. I can't afford to lose my combat engineer. Who else would optimize my shields and weapons mid-combat, maintain the ship systems, and repair our gear? It sure as hell wouldn't be Wrex."

"I heard that!" a gruff, deep voice answered from the other side of the shipping crates that served a makeshift enclosure.

"Bite me, you old krogan bastard," Shepard shot back with a smirk.

"Careful what you wish for, tiny human."

"Bosh. Tet." Tali said, shaking her head and giggling a little, both at Shepard's wry humor and his mildly aggressive exchange with Wrex.

"In all seriousness, though, Tali…you're doing great. I'm not sure there's much more for me to teach you. Of course, we can still spar occasionally, if you like."

"Sure. I'd like that, Shepard," she replied enthusiastically.

If Shepard was being honest with himself, he would too. He relished every chance he got to spend time with her, even though he already spent a good deal of his off time talking to Tali anyway. He could well imagine how it must look to the rest of the crew. Frankly, he didn't care.

What he did worry about was himself. Shepard was getting far too attached to this alien girl he'd only met a month ago, and he was not the type of person who needed attachments. In fact, he tended to aggressively avoid relationships as if they were plague. True, his time on the Normandy had caused him to open up a bit more than usual, to feel like he had a family again. Garrus, Wrex, Liara, Tali…they were the closest anyone had come to him since, well, Mindoir.

Not that he would ever act on his feelings for her, of course. Poor Tali…in many ways she was mature beyond her years, but in others, not so much. She obviously didn't realize how he felt, or else she'd probably slap him and storm away in disgust. Despite how well they got along, he constantly saw signs of nervousness and tension in her. She was obviously intimidated by him, creeped out by his alien-ness and the disparity between their cultures, or both. Likely both.

"Anyways, I should go." Shepard said. He didn't like the headspace he was in now, getting all introspective about his angst with Tali. "We can talk more later, if you like."

"Will do," Tali responded cheerfully.

Shepard turned around without fanfare and left. He headed straight for the elevator and then the men's room. He needed a cold shower. That had always been the place he'd been able to think most clearly.

* * *

Shepard stripped, turned the icy water on, and stepped inside. As he washed the sweat away, his thoughts drifted back to the quarian engineer again, as they usually did when he was alone.

This whole infatuation he had going on, it needed to stop. It wasn't that he felt ashamed of being attracted to alien: Shepard had been with a few asari before. Moreover, he'd also done some extranet research on quarian physiology. Apparently, they were the most phenotypically similar race in the galaxy to humans. Their sexual dimorphism was even pretty much the exact same. It wasn't hard to find images of unmasked, unsuited quarians either: they had been quite common before the morning war. Not to mention, generally considered quite beautiful. There was even...ahem…adult oriented media depicting them. Not with humans, of course. Still, it was enough to confirm that, in theory, he'd be sexually compatible with Tali. It wasn't like he was falling for a female turian, or a hanar, or…

Damn it! Why was he even thinking in these terms? Nothing could happen. For both of their sakes. He was a wounded, weary soldier who bore a tremendous burden of responsibility from both his newfound position as a spectre and as a starship captain. She was a relatively innocent, young, vibrant alien from a different culture. She was on a quest to prove herself and help her people, and would soon return to them once this mission was over (or when she had what she needed). It would be best if he gave up this selfish idea before it tore their wonderful friendship and professional relationship asunder. There were more important things to worry about, more of his personal demons to dwell on without ruining what they had, without adding 'getting Tali sucked into my emotional maelstrom of baggage' to the list.

 _She doesn't deserve that,_ Shepard thought. _Tali's been through so much already. She needs to go back to her people and find a nice quarian man or woman; someone of her own kind that she has more in common with, someone who isn't so alien and strange and scary to her. She cares deeply about her people. She'll want to be with another quarian. It's only natural. And it's alright, I'm used to being alone. I can carry that burden. She can't._

Even if she did, hypothetically, in some crazy alternate universe, want him, she'd be better off at arm's length. Shepard nodded grimly and turned the water off.

 _Doesn't mean I can't look out for her, though. Nothing's going to lay a fucking finger on Tali. I'll make sure of that. I'll make sure she'd happy and safe. It's the least I can do to repay a universe I've taken so many souls from._

As Shepard toweled off, he entertained himself with wishful fantasies about a love that could never be.

* * *

"Keep doing that and they'll get deformed," Wrex said, trundling over to Tali.

"What…oh," Tali said, realizing what the ancient krogan warrior was taking about. Her hands. She was wringing the hell out of them. "It's just something I do when I'm nervous," she said, perhaps a little too defensively.

"What's there to be so nervous about?" he asked, shrugging.

"Nothing," Tali tersely replied. An obvious lie. Why did she have to be such a horrible liar?

Wrex just chuckled, ignoring her answer completely. "It's painfully obvious what's going on, Tali."

"I'm not…well, he isn't…I mean, I don't know what you're talking about," she said bashfully, staring at the floor. The prospect of making eye contact was horrifying. If Wrex knew, he might tell others. And if word got out about it…well, Tali knew she'd be an utter laughing stock for presuming to have a chance with someone like Shepard.

"Don't worry, I'm not going to tell anyone," Wrex said as if reading her mind. "It's your business. Though I'm pretty sure the others will figure it out eventually."

Tali was silent. She bounced on her heels anxiously, fantasizing about being anywhere but here right now. Perhaps the center of a black hole? Yes, that sounded nice…

Wrex was shaking his massive head now. "I never thought I'd be giving romantic advice to a quarian girl," his voice boomed. "Then again, I never predicted a lot of things that have happened recently. Point is, I've seen some weird things in my life. Most of it completely fucked up and awful. What you two've got...that's not one of them. Not by a longshot."

A million possible replies ran across the front of Tali's brain like streams of data on computer screen. After racking her mind for what felt like hours without deciding on one, she simply said: "I need to go. The, um, drive core needs recaliberating."

"Fine. Don't listen to the wise old man," Wrex shot back, waving a thick hand in aggravation. "Mark my words, though; you're going to wish you told him how you feel."

As Tali power walked away from him, she felt her cheeks flush and trickle of sweat run down the back of her neck. These sensations were starting to become emblematic of her life aboard the Normandy, especially in the presence of Shepard. And what was that she'd said? "Recaliberating?" That wasn't even a real word.

 _Keelah, I'm so pathetic,_ Tali thought just as she stepped into the engine room. Adams was there inspecting holographic display readouts, but he probably hadn't heard the conversation in the cargo bay. The doors were soundproof. Tali thanked the ancestors for small favors.

Not that Tali actually believed any of that stuff about ancestor spirits being real and interacting with the world. Few quarians did. For Tali, though, dismissing the notion was easy. All she had to do was recite the list of horrible things that had happened to her over the course of her life. Her mother dying of random sickness. Her dad being cold and distant. Being pushed to the brink of death by Saren's men. Developing a hopeless crush on a famous, ridiculously handsome, smooth alien who would never want her. Being a quarian in the first place. There was no way the ancestors were real: if they were, they couldn't possibly hate her to such an extent that they would go out of their way to engineer all the little tragedies of her life.

Tali sighed, lingering in the doorway. Perhaps it truly was that her attraction to Shepard troubled her the most, or maybe it was simply the fact that this injustice was the most recent. Either way, it was the last straw. Tali could feel herself sinking into a deep depression.

The fact that they came from vastly different worlds, were of different races (different chirality, even!) was a part of it. That wasn't the worst thing, though. The worst of it was knowing that she craved something—someone—she could never have. Shepard's inevitable, obvious rejection would be soul crushing. There was no way she had a chance, and trying to pursue it would just make the feeling more painful.

After all, Shepard could have any woman he wanted, even women on the Normandy. Tali had seen how both Ashley and Liara looked at him. The attraction was palpable. It made much more sense for him to pick one of those two: they weren't stuck in a suit. They both had straight shins and the same number of fingers. They were familiar rather than repulsive and mysterious. Ashley was assertive and tough and gorgeous: everything Tali knew she wasn't. And Liara…everyone liked asari.

Her non-existent chances were even lower with those two around. One of them would move on him. They were better than her, that was the simple fact of it. Keelah, she wouldn't even know how to begin seducing someone. Ashley and Liara seemed to ooze sexuality though, as if it were second nature. To Tali, it was as foreign as the mysteries beyond the edge of the universe.

Tali was a pragmatic realist. It wasn't possible for her mind to deny these facts or cloak them in self-deluded lies. Though she did desperately wish that this wasn't so, that she could believe there really was a possibility for Shepard to choose her, Tali was forced to confront reality. Dreaming fanciful things was for children, and she was intent on proving that she wasn't one: that's why she was here, on pilgrimage, accepting a dangerous mission just for the possibility of salvaging some useful devices or intel from the geth.

 _Why couldn't I have just fallen for another quarian?_ She begged the ancestors, seeking a sudden revelation of mystical insight. None came.

Not that Tali expected it to.

"Oh. There you are," Adams said. "Enjoy your lesson?"

Tali just nodded. If she spoke, there was a very real possibility her voice would crack.

"Good," Adams replied. "Anyway, the readouts look fantastic, the manual maintenance stuff is all finished, and we don't need to calibrate anything: we're just in FTL for a day or so until we can make a jump to Noveria. I hate to say it, but there's nothing to do. We're not needed."

 _Just like I'm not needed. Not in that way._ Tali cleared her throat, trying to conjure some sense of composure. She did a reasonable job. "Okay. I'm just going to tinker with some equipment, then."

Adams nodded. "I don't know how it is that you can be so dedicated, Tali. Have fun."

Tali turned away and went back into the cargo bay. Wrex was gone. That was good. She could work on the ground team's gear without having to worry about explicitly avoiding looking at or talking to him.

Sighing, Tali strode over to the team lockers. Before the last mission, she'd been playing with some ideas to optimize computer programming on some of their shield capacitors.

She brandished her omni-tool and began scrolling through lines of raw code, hoping that somewhere in the ocean of ones and zeros was an answer to her dilemma. Or, at least, enough busy-work to distract her from her pain.

Tali found neither.


	5. Chapter 5

"Commander, I'm picking up a distress signal," Joker said over the intercom that was attached to the galaxy map console.

"Go ahead and send me the details," Shepard replied, who was already standing on the map dais anyway.

A moment later, a plethora of readings, scrolling data, calculations, and other extensive minutia appeared in holographic form in front of Shepard's face, overlaying the image of Normandy's trajectory to Noveria. He also saw the image of a floating, defunct transport. It was a human vessel, but that was essentially all Shepard could tell about it. The spacecraft was utterly wrecked: multiple hull breaches slowly spewing mechanical detritus, burned-out engines, and plenty of scorch marks. Whatever happened here had clearly been an intense battle of some kind.

Or a massacre.

"Are there any other frequencies? Audio communication from the crew?" Shepard asked.

"Negative, Commander," Joker said, shaking his head even though Shepard couldn't see him. "It's like someone just pulled the fire alarm and ran," he added.

"Somehow, I highly doubt that," Shepard deadpanned. "Ping them, and see if you get a response."

Joker did so. "Whole lot of nothing, Shepard. Thanks for wasting my time."

"It's my job, Moreau. Don't you forget it," the commander shot back with a sly smirk.

"Should I take us in closer, then?" Joker sighed melodramatically, strongly suspecting that he knew what the answer would be.

After a moment of scrutiny, Shepard replied. "It's suspicious, but yes. Probably a trap. The bridge is intact, though, and so are some of the other sections. If the bulkheads sealed properly, it's possible there could be people alive in there. I have to take a ground team just to be sure."

"Ever the optimistic knight in shining armor, I see."

Shepard laughed, dismissing the image of the ruined ship with a swipe of his hand. He walked away without another word, heading for the engineering deck.

On his way there, he thought about who to take on the mission. The corridors were likely too narrow for a massive, hulking Krogan, so Wrex was out. Ashley was still recovering from some hits she'd taken on the last mission, and Kaiden was practically paralyzed by one of his crappy amp's usual migraines. That left Liara, Tali, and Garrus. He wanted a second able-bodied fighter with the ship, and he really didn't need another biotic on the team. What he needed if he could only take two people with him were tech experts.

"Tali, Garrus," Shepard barked, tapping into their respective channels directly. "You two up for a mission?"

A pause. Then, Garrus' voice was in his ear. "About time, Shepard. I've been getting real bored having to wait the last few missions out while you, Tali and whoever the third wheel was got to have all the action."

Shepard found himself laughing again. Lately, he'd been feeling like he'd found a brother in Garrus. The snarky turian was always teasing him, but in a good-natured way. It reminded him of some of his adolescent friends back on Mindoir…shit. It was probably better not to think about that.

Tearing his mind away from the seething psychic wound which teetered on the edge of his consciousness, Shepard said "Good. Gear up, I'll be there in a minute. What about you, Tali?"

"I'm just working on a few personal projects. Nothing important. I'll head over right away."

Shepard was glad that Tali was available. He'd been noticing that they made an excellent combat team for some reason. He strongly suspected that the reason for it went beyond their complementary skill sets, but he refused to admit it to himself.

It seemed a bit counter-intuitive, but he could focus more completely when the enigmatic quarian was near. On some level, he realized that he felt a strong urge to keep her safe; more so than he did for any of his other squadmates. The thought of her getting seriously hurt terrified him, and like everything else that scared him in life, he channeled it into rage, that rage into determination, and that determination into success. It was a mental technique Shepard had perfected ever since joining the military at the age of 18. If he hadn't, the angst would have consumed him entirely and left a lifeless husk in his place.

Shepard let his mind linger on such dark thoughts while he made is way down to the lockers and then geared up. He found it cleared his mind. While being a hardass pessimist certainly wasn't fun, it did tend to keep people alive.

It was how he'd made it this far. Why stop now?

Shepard's mag-boots gave out a dull thud as he stepped onto the floor of the exposed cargo hull. God damn, he hated being in vacuum. It was part of the job, though, and so he bore the discomfort of the fully-airtight gear with the same stoicism which had seen him though N7 training.

He actually felt kind of jealous of Tali. Her envirosuit was already sealed off; it had to be, or she'd die from a massive infection. Ordinarily he felt sorry for quarians for having to be trapped in suits like that, but this was one instance where being used to such misery was a definite advantage.

"Stay sharp," Shepard said, raising an assault rifle. He was partially talking to himself, and partially to his alien squadmates.

Garrus mirrored him, fanning out to the side. Tali raised a shotgun and got behind Shepard, as usual.

"Wait a minute," the quarian said cautiously. "Something's not quite right here, Shepard."

"What was it? The fact we're suit width away from the empty void of space, or the absence of any communication from the crew who activated this signal?" Shepard said wryly.

"No, that's not it," Tali answered, sounding annoyed and more than a little self-conscious. It made Shepard feel like an ass.

"Sorry," he said. "I just despise vacuum. I'm a little on edge."

"Ah, so the invincible Commander Shepard _does_ have a weakness after all," Garrus remarked.

Tali giggled. It was delightfully cute, feminine sound to Shepard's ears. It made him want to wrap his hands around her waist and…damn, he was on a mission! Now was not the time for such things.

"Yeah, laugh it up, you two," he said to divert his thoughts elsewhere.

"Good to know, Shepard. And it's okay. Your secret's safe with me," Tali responded cheerfully.

"Thanks. Now, what were you going to say?"

"Oh, right," Tali said, snapping back to reality. She'd been daydreaming about him too. "Those burn marks and holes, that's not something a mass accelerator cannon could do," she explained, gesturing at the damage all around them.

"I didn't know you were a demolitions expert," Shepard said.

Tali shook her head. "I'm not. I am a ship expert, though, and I can tell you that ships don't look like this when they've been shot by another vessel. The holes would be bigger, and the burn patterns are all wrong. Whatever did this, it wasn't another ship."

"She's right," Garrus added. "I may not be a bomb expert either, but I've seen some explosions go off inside buildings before. Had to learn some forensics at C-sec. This looks more like something that would happen from a blast going off _inside_ the cargo bay, not one punching in from the outside. I wasn't going to say anything because I wasn't sure, but a second opinion confirms it."

Shepard nodded. "Okay, sounds reasonable. We're going to proceed with caution. I don't like the looks of this."

"That makes two of us," Garrus said under his breath.

Shepard began advancing through the bay. Half of the "roof" was peeled off and protruding from the vessel like a tattered, metallic flag. Several other holes could be seen. Debris, crates, and other techno-garbage was floating listlessly through the air, making it near impossible to see properly. The three of them were forced to continually duck while navigating the maze of wreckage.

Shepard nudged a deformed lump of metal out of his face. Removing the obstacle allowed him to see the bay's exit: a sealed airlock. The sight hardly surprised him, as it was fairly standard for transport ships to include an airlock attachment to the bay, in case shuttles needed to take off or dock while in space.

What did surprise him, though, was the row of shipping containers arrayed right in front of that airlock, anchored to the floor via attachable maglocks. He narrowed his eyes in suspicion. Yes, it was possible that the crew had anchored this cargo specifically for whatever reason. That didn't explain why the rest of it wasn't anchored, though…unless it had been deliberately placed there _after_ whatever cataclysm had shredded the cargo bay.

Shepard's eyes shot wide. "Get to cover!" he bellowed, pointing emphatically at the row of cargo.

To Garrus' and Tali's credit, neither wasted time wondering what the hell their crazy Commander was thinking or arguing against his order. They both took off immediately. In fact, Tali, with her superior quarian legs, was the first one there. Shepard followed a split second later, and Garrus a few after that.

Just as Shepard and Tali reached the waist-high barrier, the airlock shuttered open. Several armored, humanoid figures carrying an assortment of weaponry rushed out. They made it about halfway to the cargo wall before recoiling with the shock of seeing their intended prey beating them to the punch. They managed to raise their weapons, but were heartbeats too slow.

Tali pointed her shotgun at the nearest opponent and released a vicious burst at nearly point-blank range. A garbled cry was heard as his (for it was clearly a male) shields shattered with an electric hiss. Some of the damage overflowed into his armor, knocking him back several paces and causing blood to leak from a few wounds. She crouched behind cover an instant later, the few panicked shots that actually hit her merely being deflected by the envirosuit's shield battery.

Shepard found himself in a similar position, though with his much heavier armor (which could therefore also support more shield batteries) and his personal biotic barriers, he wasn't worried about getting wounded.

Instead, he stretched out an arm and summoned his biotic power. Shepard considered, for an instant, unleashing his powerful reave on the unshielded foe. Without his shields, the man would surely be ripped to utter shreds. Such an attack, though, would put much more strain on his nervous system and amps, requiring a longer recharge time. Shepard decided against it: brute force wasn't always the most efficient method. Sometimes, the path of least resistance was the most tactical choice. Why overextend himself?

With a clench of his hand, he willed the attacker to become encased by an aura of gravitational forces. Then, swiping that hand, Shepard made the dark energy slam his victim sideways into one of his own companions. Both men let out groans of surprise and pain, rolling on the floor in a tangled jumble of limbs.

With two enemies effectively out of the fight for the next few moments, the trio could concentrate on the one that remained before them. He sprayed an assault rifle wildly, pinging Shepard's and Garrus' shields, but didn't have time to do any significant damage. Tali poked her head out and brandished her omni-tool at the man. An electric shock suddenly ran over his body as a result of his shield capacitors being overloaded with junk data and contradictory commands. He convulsed for a few seconds, but that was all it took. Garrus barked his own weapon at the attacker, dropping him to the ground in a pool of his own blood with sickening pops.

While all this was going on, two more opponents inside the airlock seemed to have come to their senses. A hail of blind gunfire erupted from the portal, forcing Shepard's squad to take cover.

"We're pinned down!" Tali gasped.

Shepard shrugged. "Maybe so, but they're panicked," he stated while casually palming a grenade. He threw it over his shoulder, barely sparring a glance, as if tossing deadly explosives was the most natural thing in the world.

Before anyone could react, the miniature bomb went off. Having landed directly in the midst of the recovering enemies, the grenade reduced their lives to a violent spray of gore that was preceded by screams of terror.

"When I give the signal, I'm going to beeline it for that door," Shepard barked, oblivious to his squadmates' awed reaction. "You two cover me, and…"

The airlock slammed closed with a muted boom. "I guess they didn't like what they saw," Garrus quipped, standing up again.

Shepard and Tali followed suit. "Tali, hack that door!" he said, hopping over the makeshift cover and going for the entrance in question.

The quarian engineer obediently complied, though she had her reservations. Garrus was the one who voiced his concerns.

"What's the point?" he asked. "Let them rot in this ship if they can't play nice."

"Transports like this have detachable cargo bays," he explained.

The implication was obvious. If these guys commed' the bridge, then assuming everything was still functioning (which it probably was since this had obviously been a pirate ambush), they could leave the trio drifting in space. That wouldn't have been such a bad thing, ordinarily. The Normandy could simply send a shuttle to pick them up again. The bigger problem was that they'd be at the mercy of whoever was occupying the ship, not to mention risking the pirates simply escaping to try this ploy again somewhere else.

"Got it!" Tali replied a moment later.

Shepard put his feet on the wall next to the airlock door, stepping onto it and walking straight up as if that was a normal thing to do. It made sense, though, and his squadmates followed suit. It turned out to be a smart thing to do, because a moment later, the cargo bay detached with a scraping noise and starting floating away.

"That was close," Tali commented, crouching next to what was essentially a hatch in the floor now.

Shepard hailed the men's comms. "This is Commander Shepard, council spectre. I'm offering you a chance to surrender. If you refuse, I'm authorized to use deadly force."

After a short delay, the response came. There were two gritty voices shouting angrily back at him in a language that Shepard's translator informed him was batarian. Their words came through as mostly insults vaguely similar to "Go fuck yourself, human scum", "I'll kill you and rape your family, you murderer!", and other less charming phrases.

"Can you cycle it?" Shepard asked coldly, looking directly at his quarian companion.

"Affirmative."

He nodded. "Do it. Then open the exterior door."

Garrus shook his head. "That's pretty savage, Shepard. Er, not that I'm complaining. They did shoot at us, and they're clearly batarian slavers."

"True," the human spectre replied. "And they have mag-boots. They'll hold…possibly." The way Shepard said that made it sound like he hoped they wouldn't. It sent a chill down Garrus and Tali's spines.

The latter complied anyway. She knew how viscous batarian slavers could be. In fact, the migrant fleet had run amok of them plenty of times. Remembering some of the stories she'd heard about what they'd done, such as their treatment of quarians kidnapped while on pilgrimage, caused her blood to immediately boil. Lately she'd been trying to come to terms with the idea of killing other sapient beings. Tali's guilt evaporated. Pressing a haptic interface key on her omni-tool was easy.

There was a clunk and the hissing of air as the interior of the airlock was ventilated. Tali waited long enough for the room to gain an adequate atmosphere, then pressed another key.

With a second scrape, the door slid open. There was a loud hiss as the cabin rapidly de-pressurized. Great gusts of air were instantly sucked out of the airlock, along with one of the flailing batarians.

Unfortunately, as the alien was ejected, one of those desperate limbs latched on to Tali. The force carrying his body therefore ripped Tali away from the hatch with him. A terrified shriek was heard over Shepard and Garrus' comms.

"Shit! Help me! Please!" she begged.

"No!" Shepard yelled at the same time.

Luckily, the disoriented batarian had lost his grip. He separated from Tali's body, spinning off in a radically different direction. This gave Shepard the one chance he needed to save her. With another gesture, he beckoned his biotics to flare to life once more. This time it was Tali who was encapsulated in a glow of dark energy. Her trajectory instantly changed as she was gently nudged straight back in the direction of the ship. A few seconds passed, and then she slammed into Shepard's embrace.

"Fuck, Tali! Are you okay?" he asked.

She was too busy to focus on the fact she was in the one place she'd dreamed most often of being recently, practically shaking with adrenaline and fear from the near-death experience. Even worse, a faint hissing sound was emerging from her helmet. All she managed to do was cough and gasp for air.

"She can't-" Garrus yelped in surprise.

"I know!" Shepard shouted back, realizing what had happened at exactly the same time.

Tali's mask was partially cracked.

There was one thing that would saver her now: that damn airlock. Sure, being exposed to a germ-riddled atmosphere without the integrity of her suit was dangerous…but so was being exposed to the vacuum of space.

That's why Shepard did the only thing he could think of and stepped into the airlock with Tali still in his arms. In the other he held her shotgun one-handed.

It was awkward to suddenly feel gravity return, but he avoided falling down by putting his mag boots on what the floor would be inside the ship. The batarian was dazed, but had managed to hold on to a latch so that he didn't get spaced.

Knowing that all the first shot would do was break his shields, Shepard dropped Tali's gun on the floor. The batarian had managed to recover by this time, and lurched toward Shepard with an omni-blade. The human spectre pushed Tali to the side, where she stumbled but managed to brace herself on a conduit of some kind.

Rather than actually parry the stab, Shepard kicked the batarian in his knee, taking advantage of his unsteady stance. The man crumbled the floor, groaning, and Shepard merely stepped to the side to dodge the clumsy blow.

Roaring, he followed it up with a biotically-infused punch to the face. He put every single ounce of rage he had into the blow. There was another muted, electric sound of shields dropping, intermixed with the crackle of ballistic plating shattering. The batarian's head rolled listlessly, blood pouring from his crumbled helmet like a faucet. He began to gurgle wetly, choking and begging in batarian.

His prayers went unanswered. Shepard ripped the man off the ground by his throat and threw him out of the airlock. "How do you like it, asshole?!"

Garrus poked his head in, but immediately leaned away when he saw a screaming, devasted slaver flying towards him. "Whoa. Remind me never to piss you off," he commented dryly, then stepped inside as well.

Shepard was barely paying attention. All that mattered was Tali, then killing every last batarian on this damned ship, in that order. To that end, he activated his omni-tool and tried to close the airlock.

"Damn it!" he growled. "It's not responding!"

"Only Tali hacked it," Garrus supplied. "Only her tool can use it." He trudged over to the gasping quarian, who was fighting to stay conscious while clutching at the conduit. "Tali, I need you to focus," Garrus began, gently touching her shoulder. "Close the door with your-"

The turian was cut off by an awful grinding and screeching noise. He wheeled around to assess this new threat-whatever it was-but was awestruck when he saw Shepard simply forcing the door closed.

He was surrounded by a biotic glow, both his mind and muscles straining to give him the necessary power that performing this task demanded. Sweat dripped down his body. After a few seconds of grueling work, he was successful. The airlock hatch slammed shut and locked with several mechanical clicks. Apparently, brute force did have its uses after all.

Impressed but still very much focused, Garrus ran over to the opposite side and punched the cycle button. Instantly, the airlock began scanning, decontaminating, and pumping air into the room.

Meanwhile, Tali was seeing stars. She barely knew what was happening around her. Blackness started to intrude on the edges of her vision and her head pounded like the recoil of a krogan shotgun. Her lungs seared and her vision swam. Faintly, she was aware that she was going to die. Tali even sent a quick mental prayer to the ancestors.

Then, the most amazing thing happened. Mercifully, she tasted air once more. Her abused lungs gulped as much of that delicious, life-sustaining air as they could. Tali panted and moaned while doing so, lucidity washing over her once more.

The first thing she saw was Shepard's concerned face hovering over her. "Are you okay?" he asked, sounding desperate.

Tali blinked away the blurriness. "I…I think so," she replied breathily. "Keelah…"

Shepard smiled. Tali was momentarily awestruck at the incredible degree of relief she saw in his expression.

It didn't last long, though. They were on a ship full of pissed-off hostiles, after all. Shepard the ruthless commander returned. He grabbed his rifle in one hand while using the other to help Tali up. "Can you walk and fight?" he asked.

Tali nodded. "I'm a little out of it, but yes," she replied, arming herself with the shotgun again. "I just need a minute to catch my breath."

Garrus opened the airlock door and peered into the hallway. The three of them could hear the sound of rushing boots and batarian chatter steadily approaching from the adjoining passage. Garrus moved behind a nearby crate and aimed his gun down that hallway, setting up an overwatch.

"What about your suit?" Shepard asked. "Can you see? Your mask is all cracked." It was no joke. A sizable chuck of pink glass was missing in the corner, and spider web fractures could be seen all over it. An additional piece was missing from the rough center as well.

Through that hole, Shepard could perceive just a little of Tali's face. He saw what looked like a pretty shade of silvery-gray skin, the corner of a pair of lips that were the same color but slightly darker in shade, and the side of a nose.

Shepard probably could have seen more, but he looked away quickly. He didn't want to intrude on her privacy. Being hidden behind masks likely made quarians incredibly self-conscious about their faces. In human terms, it would be like walking around naked.

One of Tali's glowing eyes met his, revealing that she knew he'd seen her. "Oh, um…I guess. A little, I mean. Seeing, that is." _Keelah._ She put a hand to her forehead. "I can fix it when I have time and a clean room."

"What about your immune system? Won't a breach like that get you very sick?"

Tali shrugged. "Probably. The suit computers automatically dosed me with antibiotics, and will continue to do so. As long as I get back to the Normandy in an hour or so, it probably won't be too bad."

She didn't add that exposure time didn't matter so much (up to a point, provided there were anti-biotics) as other, less definable factors; the exact cocktail of germs and the strength of her individual immune system. If she was going to die from infection, then she was already doomed. Breathing open air for a while wouldn't change that. Luckily, there would be very noticeable signs if that was going to happen. _At least,_ she thought grimly, _I'll have a chance to say goodbye. Should I tell him how I feel? Would that be right, if…?_

She was cut off by rounds being exchanged outside the hallway. It was narrow, so Garrus could bottle them up for a few seconds. They'd eventually have to push on, though.

"That's excellent news, Tali," Shepard said, leaning out of cover to lend his support to Garrus' suppression efforts.

"What's the plan?" the quarian engineer asked.

"We're going to purge this ship," he stated coldly. "And see if we can find you a med bay."

Tali marveled at Shepard's stark change in demeanor. It wasn't that she was surprised by his aggressiveness. He wasn't exactly a pacifist. And she wasn't going to protest if they killed every last batarian slaving drek stain on the vessel. It was more that she had never seen him so…hateful about their enemies before. Then again, they'd never fought batarians as a team, just geth, thorian creepers, and some various mercs. Had something happened to Shepard involving batarians that set him off for some reason? Or maybe it was the fact that he'd nearly lost a valued teammate? Yes, that had to be it. Shepard was so protective of her. Clearly, he thought of her like a little sister.

The thought made Tali's stomach churn. The rush of combat and the anxiety of her suit being breached were effective, if crude, cures. "Right," Tali said, nodding in acknowledgement.

* * *

"Why haven't they surrendered yet?" Garrus yelled across the doorway gap. He could barely make himself heard over the booming of gunfire that was cascading through the opening next to his hunkered-down position. "We just butchered a dozen of them, and they're the only ones left!"

"They're practically suicidal!" Tali added. She was on Shepard's other side, away from the door.

Shepard smirked evilly, though his alien friends couldn't see it. "That's because they know it's Commander Shepard coming for them."

Tali shrugged confusedly. "Why does that matter?"

Shepard wasn't going to answer. He didn't like bragging. Sure, being a heroic and famous war hero had its advantages, but it was mostly that he didn't feel right glorifying his military career. It had been the result of a torturous past and was full of death, violence, pain, and loss.

"You ever hear of the batarian attack on Elysium?" Garrus asked her.

"Yes. What about it?" she responded.

Garrus jerked his chin at Shepard. "He's the one who stopped it. Singlehandedly."

Tali chuckled. This had to be one of the turian's smartass jabs. She stopped when she noticed Shepard's expression. He was stone-faced. "Is that…it can't be."

Now Shepard did chuckle. "I'm glad to know you have confidence in my abilities, Tali," he said sarcastically, punctuating the sentence by blind-firing his pistol around the corner.

Tali was dumbstruck. She didn't know what to say. How could she tell Shepard that she implicitly trusted him to keep her safe? That, in fact, she'd never felt so safe in her entire life than when she was around him? That his brash, yet wise leadership and formidable combat aptitude sent shivers of admiration and other more primal emotions down her spine.

"Oh, I didn't…"

"Ha! It's alright. I was joking," he said.

With a hand signal, Shepard leaned out of cover. Garrus did the same, the duo taking advantage of an unusual break in the fire to strike back. The turian's rifle lent him some cover, and even managed to drop one of the batarian's shields. Shepard slammed that one with a reave attack, following up with a volley of pistol shots and a thrown grenade. When all was said and done, two more enemies lay dead from he and Garrus' combined handiwork. The best part was that neither man lost a significant amount of their own shields thanks to Tali's real-time optimization of their capacitor processors.

"Thanks, Garrus," Shepard said, turning to glance at the turian. "You too, Tali," he added, swiveling the other way. "I never knew how amazing it would be having a dedicated, combat support tech genius like this."

Tali blushed and beamed at the same time, which ended up being pointless gestures since no one could tell. Vaguely, Tali wondered if Shepard had any idea just how much he made her heart ignite with confidence and her body tingle with such a casual, yet sincere compliment. Most likely, he did. Clearly, Shepard knew how inspire his crew to success: through well-deserved praise when they did something right. It was a tactic she wished her father used more often. Or ever.

"It's no problem, Shepard. Thank you."

Shepard shot her a quick smile, nearly causing Tali to swoon. "Let's finish these guys off so we can chat about Elysium later."

"By my count, there should be only two left. We can take them," Garrus said.

Shepard nodded. "The usual plan. You two ready?" When he got affirmative replies, the human spectre charged into the room with a shotgun raised.

As predicted, the remaining slavers opened fire on Shepard, which ordinarily might have been the best move. What the batarians didn't realize in their red-tinted bloodlust was that their opponents were counting upon their hatred of the human commander. Wanting to see him dead, they just kept shooting without regard for their own safety.

His barriers soaked up the damage like a sponge, which gave Tali the chance she needed. An overload command shot out from her omni-tool, shredding the shields of one of them. The other's went down from Garrus's rifle fire. Shepard, still moving towards the men, snapped a hand out. A biotic throw maneuver tossed one across the room like a ragdoll. The other he disarmed with a swift strike. That batarian attempted to fight tooth-and-claw, but was stunned with a flurry of punches and then kicked in the same direction as his ally.

By the time they managed to stand and reach for their weapons, three guns were trained on them. "Move one muscle, and we end your pathetic existence," Shepard threatened.

"And why should we care?!" one of the men growled. "You've massacred us and slaughtered our people. What are a few more lives to the butcher of Elysium?"

"Butcher?" Shepard asked, incredulous. "They call me 'the lion of Elysium', not 'the butcher'."

"You speak the deceit of the Alliance's lies!" the other batarian spat. "I care not what you call yourself, but to us, you are a cold, callous murderer."

"What are you talking about? I never attacked innocent civilians. That's what you scum fucks did. What you still do. All I did was defend myself and others."

The first batarian shook his head. "As ignorant and stupid as ever, just like the rest of your base species," he chastised. "Those people deserved what happened to them for your kind expanding into our territory, for taking colonies that should have been ours! For the council banning our time-honored caste system and forbidding us to practice slavery! For forcing us into becoming an isolated people with the whole galaxy against us!"

"Are you fucking kidding me? You assholes deserve it. You imprison, torture, and enslave innocent people. And you have the gall to sit here and accuse me of murder? Especially for defending people against the likes of you?" Shepard shook his head. "You did this to yourselves. The galaxy hates you for what you did to everyone else, first. I don't give a shit about your disgusting caste traditions. Slavery is wrong."

The first batarian chuckled, low and raspy. "So the ends justify the means, do they? You'll kill as many of us as you have to save the same, or even less, amount of people?"

"Yes, they do, and I will. Without blinking," Shepard replied. "Why am I even fucking letting *you* lecture *me* on morality? I've had enough. Which one of you is a higher rank?"

"I am the captain of this proud-" the first batarian began, thumping his chest.

He was abruptly cut off by Shepard, who blew the head off one of the other one with his shotgun. There was an obscene splatter of gore as the slaver's life was ended in one brutal, unexpected, thunderous instant. Blood soaked his companion head to toe.

Tali visibly flinched.

A string of untranslated curse words spouted out of the last batarian's mouth. "Monster! Intimidate me all you like, but I will not beg!"

Shepard removed his helmet. "Oh, I don't want to hear you beg. I just want you to tell me everything I want to know."

"Go to hell!" the batarian spat at him. "I am not scared of death, not like the pathetic crew of this vessel who screamed for-"

He was abruptly cut off again when Shepard drew his pistol and fired it straight at the man's kneecap. There was a sickening crunch, then he buckled to the floor and screamed in agony.

"SHIT! What the…AH! FUCK YOU, BUTCHER!" he choked out, writhing in a pool of the other batarian's viscera.

Shepard calmly waited for the man to quiet down somewhat. Then he strode over, and leaned down as if talking to a small child. "Are you finished crying yet?" he spoke with nightmarish neutrality.

"Hurt me all you like, but I won't talk!"

Shepard grinned. "Oh, I will, and then some."

He turned around and walked over to a nearby table and picked up a the batarian version of a lit cigarette. When he did so, he met his companion's eyes. He could see indecision there. They were uncomfortable. It seemed like they weren't going to stop him, though. It made objective sense: they had to find out what happened to this crew and if they could be saved, after all.

He shot them a look back that said, 'I know, but we have to do this'. He tried to hide the hurt in his eyes from Mindoir, and how extracting a pound of flesh from members of the same group that killed his family filled him with sadistic glee.

Shepard turned around and walked back over to the mewling batarian. Then, with the speed of a lightning bolt, he grabbed the man by the neck and thrust him against the wall. He began to choke and struggle.

"You know what I *love* about batarians?" Shepard calmly asked while his victim was turning blue. "Granted, it's the only good thing about you, but still," he added, taking a puff on the cigarette. It was a substance similar to tobacco. It tasted surprisingly okay. "Any guesses?"

When the only response was more wet choking, Shepard continued. "No? Not a single one? Spoilsport. I guess I'll just have to tell you." He took another drag.

Garrus and Tali looked at each other, wondering if they should say something…or stop him. Shooting an unarmed prisoner in the head was one thing. It was another thing entirely to strangle a second to a much more painful death.

Meanwhile, Shepard was in full interrogation mode. "The thing I like about you is…you have four eyes. There's twice as many to pluck or, in this case, burn out." The batarian's thrashing intensified. "By the time I get to the third one, they're usually saying or doing whatever the hell I want them to." He shrugged. "Not like it stops me anyway." He lowered the man to the ground and relaxed his iron-clad grip. "Now, was there something you wanted to say?"

The terrified prisoner coughed. Shepard brought the cigarette close to his eyeball. "I'll tell you everything! Please…" he managed to choke out raspily between heaves of air.

"There we go," Shepard said, smiling appreciatively, as if someone had just served him a birthday cake.

For the next few minutes, Shepard asked a barrage of questions, all of which were answered with great haste and extreme detail, the batarian forcing himself to speak through his lacerated and bleeding throat.

Apparently, this group had hijacked a human vessel on Omega. After killing and taking the crew captive, they piloted the ship to a discreet rendezvous location with a batarian vessel that was headed to Kar'shan, their homeworld. They'd attempted to trade the assortment of human prisoners, a couple of asari, (and, to Tali's dismay, one quarian on pilgrimage) for weapons and other valuable goods. Their partners, being much more numerous and well-equipped, decided to betray them. A firefight broke out, and the surviving slavers retreated to the transport. Their slaves were taken, so they decided to lay an ambush to get more. That's why it was mainly the cargo bay that was heavily damaged: they'd rigged a bomb in it, like Garrus had guessed. Unfortunately for them, the first ship to investigate their trap had been the Normandy.

There was a silver lining to all this: Shepard's prisoner was able to inform him about the vessels' travel plans. Apparently, they would be making a few more stops at specific places, which was enough information to organize a rescue. Since all this had gone down less than a day before, there was a good chance of successfully rescuing those slaves.

"You'll let me go, right?" he asked hopefully.

Shepard pretended to consider it. "I don't think so," he said, throttling the man again. It wasn't long until his choking and twitching finally stopped.

Shepard turned around immediately and began walking out of the room. "Come on, Tali. Let's see if we can find you a med bay, then Garrus and I will see if there's any salvage to be had while we wait for pickup."

Tali and Garrus could only stare at the lion of Elysium's back in shock as he walked away.


	6. Chapter 6

**Author's Note: I know I originally said this story would go through post-ME3, but I changed my mind. At the very most, it will cover all of ME1. If I decide to follow through with my plans and write more beyond that, it'll be a separate story. We'll see, though. I will update the summary right after I post this chapter.**

 **Thanks again for following/favoriting. I hate to beg for reviews, but please take the time to tell me what you like/don't like. It helps immensely and *really* inspires me to keep writing. I promise that I take criticism seriously. After all, part of the reason I'm doing this is that I want to learn to write better.**

 **Enjoy!**

Tali watched the slate-grey stands of acrid smoke as they drifted up into the air, writhing like untamed snakes in the billowing wind of the barren planet's surface. All twenty-four of them seemed to be bursting free from the epitaphs of corrugated steel that anchored them to the ground. It made for a macabre, yet strangely hypnotic sight.

The smell was atrocious, though. At least it would've been, if she hadn't already turned off her helmet's olfactory filters. That first whiff of singed metal, burning grease, and sizzling ozone had hardly been pleasant, to say the least.

Tali thought that, as an engineer, she should have been used to it by now. Then again, she had never participated in a battle that had resulted in the destruction of so many geth in one small location.

"Are any of the ones from inside useable?" a gruff, yet melodic, male voice asked her.

Tali turned to face the voice's owner. It was Commander Shepard, the fierce soldier who had made this all possible. True, the assault upon the secret geth research station had involved all members of the ground team. Shepard was the architect behind it, though. His heedless bravery and strategic foresight had been the edge they needed to turn the tides of battle in their favor. Tali doubted that she, Garrus, Wrex, Ashley, Kaiden, and Liara could have pulled it off without him. Truly, Shepard was an impressive man.

No, that description was not entirely accurate. He was more like a force of nature than a mere mortal man: an unstoppable archon of will that bent the meaning of "practical" to its whims, snatching victory from the jaws of defeat. When they were on a mission, smashing through hordes of enemies in relentless pursuit of their noble objective of capturing Saren, Tali felt indestructible. She felt like she was a part of something both profound and fantastic.

And she owed it all to Shepard.

Tali activated her omni-tool before she drifted any further into the boundless realm of daydreams and introspection. She quickly scanned the line of geth shells that Ashley and Liara had just lugged out from inside the squat, plain-looking outpost.

"Some salvage, maybe. Servos, power cores, a circuit board or two."

"Any memory cores?"

Tali shook her head. "I'm afraid not, Shepard. They've all been wiped and/or completely fried. I'm beginning to suspect that the one I encountered before suffered some rare type of glitch. That, and we weren't exactly taking the time to inspect each geth as we were killing them."

Shepard sighed, then nodded. "Fair enough," he said, stretching his arms a little to dull the ache of combat. Shoulder-slamming robots tended to leave one a bit sore, after all. "I was really hoping that you'd be able to recover another one so we can see if these geth knew anything about Saren."

"I wish I could give you another one. I'm sorry."

Shepard shrugged. "Don't worry about it. Getting me the first one was impressive enough. I just had this crazy idea that it might be worth checking, just in case. Besides, you did great today. I don't remember my gun ever firing better, my shields ever being so full, and seeing so many geth short out like that. In fact, I'm pretty sure you have the highest kill-count today, Tali. Even over mine."

Tali blushed. It hardly seemed fair for her to receive such glowing compliments. Shepard had taken the brunt of the fire. His armor was covered in singe-holes, several of which were rimmed by dried blood. It was also likely he had at least one broken rib. She didn't know how the man could stand, let alone carry on a casual conversation with his combat support specialist.

Meanwhile, she was completely unscathed.

"Are you sure you're okay? Those wounds look pretty bad," the petite quarian asked.

Shepard shrugged for the second time. "I've had worse. You get used to it, I guess," he explained.

Tali thought she saw a forlorn glimmer in his eyes, something reminiscent of pain that transcended the mere sensations of a damaged physical body. It wasn't something she wanted her mind to linger on.

Luckily, it didn't have to. Kaiden interrupted their private liaison, strutting up to the Commander.

"Commander," the biotic said, nodding. "Tali. We've cleared the base and confirmed an absence of automated traps or explosives inside. It should be safe to go in, now."

"Thanks, Kaiden. How are Wrex and Garrus?"

Kaiden grimaced. "Not good. They'll live, though, as long as we take them to Chakwas right away. In fact, Ashley and I were just about to help them back to the ship."

"Do it," Shepard said. "Tali and I can stay here and check out the base."

"Sounds good, Shepard," Kaiden said, walking away without further ado.

"Just me and you again?" Tali asked, a little nervous.

Ever since she had seen Shepard unleash his inner beast on that batarian a while back, she'd been wary of him. She knew full well that he would never intend to hurt or kill her, but the jarring nature of seeing her crush in a totally different light had instilled a level of distrust within her psyche. Tali still liked Shepard, of course, even admired him, but there was a tiny sliver of doubt, now. Frankly, her opinion of him lately had been a mixed bowl of swirling emotions and thoughts, always in flux and uncertain in meaning.

"Yeah, I guess so," Shepard said. He quirked an eyebrow. "Is that alright?" he asked with genuine concern.

Damn him and his excessive levels of social intelligence. He'd obviously picked up on a faint glimmer of a clue about her state, even through the mask and suit. Must've been her body language again.

Tali wished she could be as perceptive with people as Shepard was. It was one of the things that made him such a magnificent leader. And a pleasant friend. Why couldn't she be like that? Sure, she was talented at memorizing data readouts, rapidly analyzing equations, and comprehending advanced scientific concepts. Nobody liked the token nerdy, shy girl, though. Being a people person rather than an introvert seemed so much more glamorous.

"Um...yeah. Sure thing Shepard," Tali replied, realizing that her captain was awaiting a response.

Shepard grinned. "Good. I was worried that you'd say no for a second there. What would I do without my tech wizard? Who would protect me from the scary robots and decrypt computer gibberish on my stupid behalf? Could you imagine it? I'd be as clueless and defenseless as a blind elcor in a warzone!"

Tali laughed. It was a hearty, satisfying laugh. Her eyes even teared up a little, making her lament the fact that she couldn't wipe them due to the life-saving mask she wore.

Shepard joined her, chuckling a little at his own expense. "Come on, there's got to be something useful we can find in here." He turned and gestured at the lone building with this thumb.

As the pair strode over to their destination, Tali couldn't help but feel a burst of pride. Shepard had been exaggerating, but there was some degree of truth to his words nonetheless. Tali protected him from cyber-attacks and geth just as much as he protected her from mundane, physical threats. While Shepard soaked bullets on behalf of her more fragile form and reigned biotic, ballistic, and melee destruction upon their enemies, Tali optimized his equipment, weakened the integrity of their foes, and insured that he couldn't be brought down by a mechanical or computational death strike. Together, they formed an unstoppable duo.

That was exactly how it should be between soldiers, Tali thought. No… it was much more than that: between a man and a woman. A pair of bonded allies fighting for a common goal and equally reliant on each other's opposite, yet complimentary attributes. This truth was a type of beautiful thrill, and as such, she relished in every chance she got to experience it. There was simply something so…how to say it…pure, about their arrangement.

Not that Tali had any illusions about the nature of their relationship, though. If she couldn't have Shepard as a lover, settling for being trustworthy combat allies was a satisfying, if a bit underwhelming, substitute.

Tali's musing was cut short when the electronic hiss of the outpost door was heard. The metal sheets gave way, permitting access to the interior. Shepard stepped inside, and Tali followed.

It was almost entirely one room. The walls, floor, and ceiling were stainless, bare metal. On one side, neatly arranged stacks and rows of equipment could be seen: omni-gel, replacement parts, spare weapons, and other tech the geth would find necessary. Against the opposite wall there was an array of mechanical pods from which conduits and cables dangled: repair/recharge stations that also served as jack-in points for the geth server node.

The node itself could be seen in the exact center of the room, arranged like some technological altar to perfect reason. It was a lumpy mess of bizarrely-shaped parts, entangled wires, and glowing lights. The geth valued absolute function over form, it seemed. Hardly surprising, considering their nature as synthetics.

Tali immediately walked over to the strange object. It dwarfed her like a hanar hovering over a volus.

"Wow…" she muttered in awe. "I never thought I'd actually get to see one of these in person." Tali ran her gloved hands over the sleek metal exterior. "It's so complex. And much different than I'd thought it would be."

Shepard joined her, perplexed. "Care to fill me in? What is this thing?" he asked politely, not wanting to ruin her moment.

Tali faced him slowly. "It's a geth server node," her pleasing-but-slightly-muted-voice supplied.

"I'm afraid you're going to have to hold my hand with this," Shepard said. "I'm utterly clueless about the inner workings of geth technology."

Tali giggled at Shepard's shameless self-deprecation. It was kind of sexy that he was confident enough to admit his flaws like that. She wondered if it meant he trusted her more than anyone else on the Normandy. She never heard him talk that way, except to her.

"Right. Well, the geth use devices like this one to house their runtimes—in essence, their 'consciousnesses'—and link in to the wider geth consensus," Tali began. "Remember, they're a networked intelligence. That means they operate by relying on the practice of constantly exchanging data with one another. Since geth are pure software, not hardware, their bodies are merely shells. It is only logical, therefore, that they would upload themselves to central servers when they are not needed to occupy a physical body."

Shepard scratched his chin. "Makes sense, I guess. But what's so important about a server node?"

"Normally, all the geth server nodes are linked. That's how they exchange data so efficiently and quickly. However, this specific one isn't connected to the broad network. That's because doing so is impossible: they're simply too far away from the Perseus veil. Unless another server is somewhere within the system, which is unlikely, considering we've been dismantling their bases one by one, they can't communicate with other geth. Sure, they could piggyback off an FTL-comm buoy, but it would take a long time to transmit the data, depending on how much there is the first place. That fact is the only thing stopping them from simply self-destructing the node."

Shepard nodded. "I get it. All the geth we just 'killed' went back into this machine, and now they're trying to escape by sending themselves back to the other geth, along with the intel they gathered about us."

"That pretty much sums it up, yes," Tali responded with a nod.

Shepard raised his assault rifle and pointed it at the node.

"NO!" Tali blurted, shoving the gun aside in a frantic rush. Her eyes met the intense burn of Shepard's twin orbs. She gulped. It was too late to take the outburst back. She had better explain herself quickly. "You can't destroy it. If you do, all the data will be lost."

Shepard stared back at the glowing eyes beneath the pink haze of her mask for several seconds. He smiled and put his gun away. "I'm sorry. My bad," he apologized, rubbing the back of his head with an armored gauntlet. "I guess I got carried away and defaulted to something I understand: destroying things. I forgot that I have a technological prodigy with me who can hack geth."

Did he have some kind of compulsion to constantly compliment her? Tali wondered sometimes if his niceness was a phony act. It could be that Shepard was simply an expert manipulator who knew how to cultivate respect from his colleagues for his own ends. Maybe he didn't like aliens. Maybe he had even figured out that she was deeply attracted to him and was using that fact to exploit her. _Keelah!_ Tali cringed at the thought.

She dismissed the morbid fantasy just as quickly, though. Tali knew that she had to work on her paranoid lack of self-esteem. Obsessing over theoretical conspiracies and over-analyzing everything that was said would only worsen her social anxiety.

Ripping herself away from the enticing labyrinth of hyper-critical thoughts, Tali snapped back to reality. She stepped away from Shepard.

"It's alright, Shepard. And you're correct: I do think I can hack them, intercept the data, block the transmission, copy it, and shut down the node," she explained. "Keelah, it'll be hard, though," she added, wringing her hands together.

"Don't worry, Tali. I'm sure that you can do it," Shepard said, putting a hand on her covered shoulder. "You're the best engineer I've ever seen. You made history by extracting an intact geth memory core, after all. Why not shoot for another first?"

Tali nodded, swelling with pride. "Here goes nothing then," she said, turning back to the strange geth device.

The next few minutes was a blur of frantic tinkering to Shepard. He watched as Tali energetically fiddled with her omni-tool, running numerous cyber-warfare programs and scrutinizing lines of code. She also hopped back and forth, removing countless tools from the folds and pockets of her suit.

Vaguely, Shepard wondered how she could secret away so many things and keep track of all of them. He supposed that if one had to literally carry all of their possessions on their body at all times, one developed the necessary skillset rather quickly.

His musings were interrupted by the flash of sizzling, needle-like plasma torches. Tali was presently slicing into to the physical hardware so that she could reroute power supplies, bypass circuit boards, and cross-connect wires. None of it made literally any sense to Shepard: he didn't have the faintest idea why she was doing it. Or even *what* she was doing, for that matter.

Realizing that there was nothing he could do to help but shut up and let her focus, Shepard took a few steps back. He took the opportunity to marvel at Tali's work; it must have been extraordinarily complex and difficult. The world of data was a completely alien universe to him. As such, he had a lot of respect for the people who could successfully navigate that reality. He liked to think that in another life, one where hadn't needed to become what was essentially a hired killer, he could have studied technology like she did. It certainly seemed like a much more interesting and glamorous career path, not to mention one that would have been better for his sanity. Not that it mattered: his destiny had been decided that fateful day on Mindoir.

"And…oh wait!" Tali exclaimed. "Crap crap crap…no, we're good. There. I've got it!" she finished, practically leaping upward with joy. "I'm sending a copy to both your omni-tool and the ship right now."

Shepard commanded his own omni-tool to activate. "Tali…there's petabytes upon petabytes of data, here," Shepard pointed out with awe. "This is amazing!"

Tali couldn't help but reflexively take a cocky pose. "Well, most of it is decrypted, and it was a very close call, but I was able to get most of it. And fry some geth. It'll take some time for me to go comb through all the data, though, but what little I saw appears promising."

Shepard shook his head in bewilderment. "Tali, I don't know what it is about you, but you continue to impress. Well done. I'm sure the Alliance will be extremely thankful for this data. It is the first significant cache of information we've been able to recover from the geth since…well, forever, after all."

Tali nodded. "Yes. Same goes for my people," she said somewhat sadly, hanging her head.

Shepard frowned. Something about this situation wasn't quite right. He figured it out almost immediately.

"Could I make a physical copy?"

"I don't see why not," Tali said, shrugging. "Do you have an OSD?"

Shepard fished around in his armor compartments for a moment. "Yeah. Right here," he replied, holding out one of the sleek silicone disks known as optical storage devices.

Tali gestured at one of the insert slots she'd revealed by peeling away a layer of metal earlier on.

Shepard followed her cue and inserted it into the port. Tali subsequently a tapped few haptic keys, causing a several lights to flash and a whirring to be heard. "Go ahead and take it out now," she said after a few moments.

Shepard did as instructed, then walked over to the quarian, holding the disk out once more.

"What? No. Keep it, it's yours," Tali replied, holding her palms out in front of her in a gesture of surrender.

Shepard raised an eyebrow. "Are you sure about that?"

Tali looked back and forth, perplexed. "What do you mean? I though you wanted a physical copy. I don't get it. Why are you giving it to me?"

Shepard shot her that sly smile. "Because, it's not mine. It's yours."

Tali practically guffawed. What was the crazy human spectre going on about now? Was this some kind of test to see if she'd amorally accept information that Alliance High Command would likely consider classified, seeing as it was retrieved on what was, officially, one of their sanctioned missions? The last thing Tali wanted to do was cause more tension between the Migrant Fleet and the Alliance. Or get kicked off the Normandy.

No, she couldn't possibly be so presumptuous as to accept the disk.

Tali shook her head vehemently. "I appreciate the thought, Shepard, but this doesn't belong to me. It's Alliance data, and it's..." she stumbled over her words, withering under Shepard's adamant gaze as she wrung her hands in a meager attempt at self-defense. "Well, I mean it's um…classified, right? I wouldn't want to…"

Having had enough of this, the commander interrupted her with a heavy sigh. "Tali, look at me."

Those were the scariest words Tali had ever heard in her life. She slowly looked up, knowing that she had somehow made a huge mistake. Why did she always have to misjudge everything? Stupid.

When her neck was finally craned upward to meet Shepard's gaze, he smiled reassuringly. "Look, I appreciate your selflessness. I really do. It's one of the several reasons I admire you," Shepard said. "Er, as a teammate, of course," he added awkwardly.

Tali's heart skipped a beat. Had he actually just said that?

Shepard recovered quickly. "However, it gets quite excessive at times. You need to be more confidant in your abilities and self-worth. Take this situation, for example," he said, gesturing at the nearly-dismantled node. "You just did something no one has ever succeeded at for the second time. Without your hard work, I, nor the Alliance, nor anyone else would have even had access to this data. You deserve a copy. For your Pilgrimage gift. It would make a perfect one, and you earned it fair and square.

"In fact, it's I who should be asking permission to take a copy from you. This data comes from the race that drove your ancestors off their homeworld. I can't think of any group more deserving of it than the quarian people. So please, just take, it Tali."

Tali was awestruck. She couldn't find her voice. If her heart had been skipping beats before, it was pounding now.

Her first impulse was to reach out and wrap Shepard in a tight embrace. It was the purest form of displaying appreciation that she could think of it. It was also highly unprofessional, so she didn't do it.

On the other hand, Tali was at an impasse. She couldn't think of anything to say that could adequately capture the…she didn't even know what the feeling was. Joy? Pride? A mixture of both? Something less definable? Only the ancestors knew.

Besides, if she talked, the levee holding in her intense emotion might burst. Since that was something to be avoided, she locked it up inside. Stoicism was something she could handle. It was safe and comfortable.

All Tali could do was hesitantly reach out and take the disk without saying a word.

At least, that was true at first. Afraid that she might not be able to resist the urge to tell him exactly how he made her feel (not just in that moment, but almost all the time that he was near her) if she looked at his face, Tali glanced downward instead.

"Thank you," she said with as much sincerity as she could muster. It was a lot. And it was very easy for Tali to do so.

"You are very welcome," Shepard said with a mirthful smile that seemed to brighten Tali's soul.

"What about the Alliance, though?" Tali said suddenly, a bit panic-stricken. "Won't you get in trouble if they find out you gave away this intel to a foreign power? I don't want to cause problems or anything."

Shepard waved her concerns away. "Operative word: 'if'. The whole point of giving you an OSD is that they can't be traced like digital transmissions can. Even if the brass does figure it out, I'll simply tell them to deal with it. Technically, as a spectre, I can give whatever I want to whomever I want at any time."

Tali chuckled. "I can imagine that going over well," she added sarcastically.

"Probably not," he acquiesced with a rapid nod. "But it's too bad for them; there would be nothing they could do about it. Are they going to court-marshal the first human spectre? That wouldn't make a damn difference to me. I'd still have the ship and my credentials," Shepard explained. "Now come on, let's get out of here. My everything hurts and I could use a cold one. The grunts can haul all the salvage back to the ship."

Tali followed him out of the building, reflecting on what had just happened. She could scarcely believe it herself. Now that she thought about it, this data would surely make one of the best pilgrimage gifts in quarian history. She'd be famous. Not that she cared about that over simply being able to help her people. It did feel nice to know it, though.

And Shepard…he just seemed to perpetually get more amazing and kind to her. Tali knew she probably should have seen it coming, but still. That man seemed to have two opposite sides to him: one that was capable of great aggression, viciousness, and cold pragmatism, and the other which was composed of deep compassion and charm. She no longer doubted the sincerity of this latter side, her uneasiness with him fading into nothingness.

The only thing that tugged at her consciousness was Shepard's fervent advice. Tali was still somewhat skeptical of everything he had said, and still thought that he had been extremely generous to give the disk to her. She didn't feel particularly special or important: she was simply a dutiful quarian doing her job. Nothing else could have been expected of her.

Tali supposed that she wasn't used to being treated like this. As an equal, that is. On the _Rayya,_ her father had always refused to acknowledge her successes, constantly pushing her harder with little to no praise. Nothing was ever good enough. Everywhere else in the galaxy seemed to be the same (except for the Normandy, that is), but for a different reason. As quarian, she simply wasn't 'good enough' by virtue of her race. Thus, this newfound feeling of respect was…strange, to say the least.

Still, Tali walked out of that squat outpost with a renewed sense of happiness and confidence. For once, it felt great to be alive. She promised herself that she would hold on to that feeling as long as she could. These sorts of things were few and far between, after all, and had to be cherished whenever the opportunity presented itself.


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: I don't know how many of you saw, but I made a note in the summary that this fic was discontinued. (It's since been removed.) I don't know why, but I just got into this depressive feeling that the story was dumb and I was bored with it. I'm over it now, though. And don't worry, something like that won't happen again. I just get into weird moods like this for some reason. I'm back, and it's time to continue the story. I'm genuinely having fun again. Guess I just need to recharge my batteries every now and then. I've got some crazy stuff going on IRL, so you'll have to bear with me if I'm updating a bit slow. Forcing myself to write more chapters when I'm not ready is a good way to burn out. It takes a lot of my emotional energy to write these. You have no idea how exhausting it can be to put yourself in the place of angsty characters who are existentially-challenged like this. The next few chapters will only get even more emotionally intense. (But it *will* be worth it, I promise!)**

 **Enjoy!**

The club was a sensory overload. There was simply no other way for Shepard to describe it, even though doing so was probably the understatement of the century.

A wall of sound oscillated back and forth through the crammed confines of the area, synthetic instruments pounding out an electronic rhythm of cathartic ecstasy. Bright, multicolored lights and other visual holographic affects flickered in the air, creating the illusion that this was a vibrant, neon paradise; an image that was only complemented by the writhing bodies of erotic dancers and nightlife enthusiasts alike. The smell of sweaty bodies blended seamlessly with the scents of alcohol, tobacco, cigarettes, and other less-easily defined (but mostly legal) drugs.

In short, it was a playground for the numb.

That was why Shepard had picked this specific club for the Normandy ground team's night out together. Despite his typical dour and stoic demeanor, the commander actually enjoyed places such as these quite a lot. The relentless, merciless stimulation of one's senses that pervaded them were the perfect remedy for a brooding soul. They offered a much-needed relief from the treasonous introspection and traumatic memories that tortured his mind.

Looking around, Shepard could see the same emotion in other patrons' eyes. All were there for one reason: distraction. Few needed it as desperately as he did, though. Still, everyone had their problems and needed a safe venue to vent them, no matter how big or small they were.

If there were any group of people to which this assessment applied more than the combat crew of the Normandy, Shepard would have been utterly shocked. Sweeping his gaze back and forth across the standing table around which said crew was arranged, Shepard took a mental inventory of the situation.

His eyes fell on Tali first, as they always seemed to whenever she was in the room. Here was a young, inexperienced, lonely quarian girl away from her people on a perilous quest to save the galaxy. Moreover, she had bravely volunteered for this mission after losing everything and seeing her fellow people slaughtered like livestock at the hands of uncaring monsters. Not to mention the fact that, as a quarian, she was cursed to an uncomfortable life of physical isolation, heightened risk, and extreme prejudice to begin with. It was as if some cruel god had decided to combine every unfortunate circumstance that it could into one person. Yet, throughout it all, she somehow maintained an impressively cheerful and energetic attitude.

Next was Garrus. Although the idealistic turian ex-cop had lived a life of relative safety and success, he was still psychologically tormented. It had become clear from he and Shepard's frequent talks that the former empathized deeply with the plight of those who were victimized by criminals. Garrus' passion for justice clearly consumed his mind, the evils of the world burdening his soul by proxy, if not by direct misfortune. The man could never truly be happy unless he was doing the absolute best he could to conquer evil wherever it was found. Even then…Shepard wasn't entirely sure. Protecting those who could not protect themselves was an unending path fraught with a lack of gratitude and personal reward. Even so, it was the path that, nonetheless, laid in Garrus' future.

Following the curve of the table in a bent line, Shepard saw Kaiden next. The man was a bit standoffish and mysterious, but the truth of his condition was evident. The tragedies of being an early biotic, of the twisted BAT program, haunted him still. They echoed from his past to his present like the lingering aftereffects of a physical wound. Not to mention the fact that Kaiden frequently found himself in extreme physical pain from the primitive implants that had been savagely implanted in his body by a selfish government seeking to empower themselves at the cost of others. The sentinel needed this night's indulgence in vices even if he didn't consciously know it.

Wrex was much the same as Kaiden, only exaggerated to a much more extreme degree. The krogan battlemaster-turned-bounty-hunter had seen far more violence and death than even Shepard had. He had been forced to kill his own father in self-defense, evidence of a cancerous genophage-symptom that ravaged the krogan people. While it was true that Wrex outwardly craved the thrill of combat (which was undeniably genuine to some extent), his gruff demeanor was proof of the numbness that infused him. Shepard knew from personal experience that such a problem was not one that could simply be "gotten over". This was especially true given the krogan's centuries-spanning lifetime. Yet despite all of that, Wrex did an admirable job of keeping his rage under control. A little assistance in the form of a wild night partying couldn't hurt, though.

Next was Ashley. Shepard really didn't know what to think of her, if he was being honest with himself. He and the lieutenant didn't exactly get along that well. This being the case, Shepard couldn't speak with any authority about the exact nature of her character. Being the only survivor of a geth attack had to leave some scars, though, he reasoned. The same was likely true of being the descendant of a disgraced military man. Not many people had to go through the things Ashley had. This much was certain.

Shepard peered at the final member of the lineup. Liara. Of everyone assembled here, her baggage had to be the most recent, and therefore, the most intense. A mere week ago, she had tenderly held her own mother in her arms as she died in Saren's perverse rachni labs on Noveria. Since then, the once-perky and bubbly archaeologist had been a woman severely depressed and withdrawn. Her recent reversal of state was, in fact, the impetus that had inspired Shepard to give his crew some much-needed shore leave. This night clubbing was for her more than anyone else, a futile attempt to help her forget and raise her spirits for a few hours. Failing that, it would at least serve as a distraction which lessened the pain.

As Shepard concluded his inner monologue, he realized that all eyes were on him. As usual, his new friends (or were they a family, now?) looked to the human spectre for guidance. Owning their respect and deference in such a way was truly humbling. He was still adjusting to the closeness that he felt with this strange, mostly-alien cadre, let alone the sensation of being their uncontested leader.

"I'm extremely glad you all decided to come," Shepard said, practically having to shout in order to compete with the throbbing, yet not entirely unpleasant music. "We need this. All of us. We've all been through our own hells, as well as those we've shared in pursuit of Saren. Some of us have suffered more than others," he went on, glancing at Liara, "…but that doesn't matter. What matters is that we're all here, now, in this moment. As strong of a team we are, as much as we can, and do, support each other, the time comes when we just need to cut loose. That means enjoy yourselves, captain's orders!"

As Shepard's brief speech concluded, he raised his shot glass of whiskey in a facsimile of a salute and downed it one gulp. The rest of the group did the same, giving their own little "here here" or "amen to that!" before gulping their own choice of alcohol.

The only one who seemed hesitant was Tali. She appeared unsure and indecisive, holding her shot glass of dextro liquor up to the sophisticated airlock-esque straw attached to the mouth portion of the helmet. She peered cautiously at the assembled crew as if gauging their behavior.

"Damn. That hits the spot," Garrus proclaimed. "It's so hard to get good turian brandy at a reasonable price. I could never afford it while I was with C-sec."

Wrex slammed his krogan-sized glass on the table, groaning loudly. "If you say so, Vakarian," he boomed. "The stuff they have here seems weak to me," he followed up, shrugging casually.

"I guess it would," Kaiden began, "if you had multiple redundant livers, wouldn't it?"

The massive krogan vanguard chuckled. "You got that right. Plus, I think I've probably burned out most of 'em. Got a real good tolerance after hundreds of years of drinking ryncol from barrels."

Almost everyone was chuckling and shaking their heads, save for Tali, who was looking around awkwardly and still hadn't drank. Even the silent and stone-faced Liara had beat her to it.

By this point, everyone had noticed. There was an awkward lull as everyone looked at her curiously.

"What's the matter?" Garrus asked, tapping her shoulder lightly. "I can promise you from personal experience that it's only slightly putrid. And it is dextro, so you probably won't keel over."

The table grinned and snickered at the turian's sarcastic humor.

"Oh, I'm not worried about that," Tali said, waving a hand. "It's just…"

"Come on," Ashley jeered playfully. "We're having a party. Just let loose for once and do it!"

"I…don't know," the quarian replied hesitantly. "Back on flotilla, we don't have the resources to synthesize alcohol. So, I haven't exactly…uh…drank before. At all."

"All the more reason to give it a go then, I guess," Kaiden replied. "Might as well enjoy it while you have the chance, you know? Man, I can't imagine not being able to have a nice glass of whiskey every once in a while…"

"I hear you there, Alenko," Shepard said, tersely pointing at Kaiden.

"Bah!" Wrex snorted, waving a dismissive hand. "Leave the poor girl alone. Besides, if she doesn't want it, Garrus can drink it. The kid's clearly a damn booze hound."

"Damnit, Wrex! I told you that in confidence!" the turian mock protested. This earned a few more chuckles.

"Just do it!" Ashley egged on once more.

Shepard restrained himself from rushing to Tali's defense like a white knight. He was curious what she would do, and he knew she was capable of fighting her own battles.

Tali eventually nodded, bringing the shot of turian brandy to the straw-thing. The liquid swiftly disappeared as she slurped it up all at once.

"Whoa…" Tali moaned, head swaying a bit. She let out a small coughing choke. "That tasted like fire."

Another burst of laughs.

"Lightweight," Ashley commented, signaling a server for another round.

"Yeah, seriously. You look half-drunk already!" Garrus teased.

"Oh, whatever, you bosh'tets," Tali said, swaying a bit. "It's not like I've had any practice before. And I'm easily the lightest and slimmest one here!"

Shepard found himself silently agreeing. She _was_ slim. In fact, Tali probably had the perfect body shape and type for someone of her size, race, and gender. It had to be owed to that nutrient paste. Shepard had learned that it was artificially created to be as efficient and nutritious as possible, without resource-wasting additives like sugar and fat. If it wasn't, Tali couldn't possibly be so waifish, yet fit and curvy. In fact, Shepard would even go so far as to say she had the body of a supermodel. Most human women would kill to look like her, and most men had to be gay if they weren't turning their heads to look at her as she passed. Especially with those gorgeous hips and that sweet ass.

Shit. Why was he thinking thoughts like this? He wasn't supposed to be playing around with the idea of dating Tali. That included ogling her sexy body shape and dwelling on how attractive she was to him. It would best if he simply forgot about it.

"She's got a point," Kaiden said, interrupting Shepard's introspection.

"Just be careful," Wrex began, "and don't drink too much. I once saw a quarian get into a drinking contest with an asari. It wasn't pretty. The quarian puked his guts out and had to go to the hospital. This was before the suits. Something about alcohol weakening the immune system and making it so all his adjustment to the Citadel's germs was pointless."

"Thanks, Wrex. That was so assuring. I'm definitely not even more terrified of drinking," Tali deadpanned.

Garrus turned to her. "You know, you really don't need to worry. I'm sure that if you get sick or pass out, Shepard will carry you back to the Normandy. Not to mention put any bar jerks that harass you in the hospital."

All eyes were suddenly on the turian now. Kaiden was visibly cringing. The normally-dour Liara was smiling. Ashley made a face of puzzlement and Wrex's lip curled at Garrus.

Shepard was shooting daggers at him as well. The spectre heard the whispers aboard the ship that he and Tali were "involved". Or at least building up to it, like they were actually compatible or something. It was crazy to think about. Clearly, there were some clever provocateurs aboard the ship. Or well-meaning, but misinformed crew members. If only they knew the sad, one-sidedness of he and Tali's 'attraction'.

"What?" Garrus asked ignorantly.

He opened his mouth to talk again, but was cut off when a quarian's boot slammed into his foot, propelled by extra-strong legs. He did his best not to show the lance of pain that bolted up his body, merely covering up a grunt with a cough as he leaned over.

Still, it was obvious what had happened. Shepard's suspicions about Tali's feelings on him were confirmed. She was mortified by the idea that people thought there was something going on between them. Especially given the fact that she was wringing her hands and looking away in the interim of awkward silence.

Shepard didn't blame her. Who would want to be thought of as someone who couldn't get laid with someone of their own species? Or as someone who had such poor taste as to be into a grizzled, distant military veteran like himself?

Still, Garrus had gotten his punishment for being a blabbermouth. This being case, Shepard decided that the best thing to do was to brush it off and move on. Honing in on it would only draw attention to that which he would rather evade.

He released the turian from his withering stare and smiled. "I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm not here to beat up jerks on my night off. I get enough of that out there on the missions, and would rather just have a good time tonight."

"Bah. It's not a party unless someone gets their nose broken. Or their legs," Wrex said.

Shepard chuckled, picking up his second shot after the asari dancer placed it in front of him. "You're a sick bastard, Wrex," he proclaimed, holding up the booze. "Here's to you."

"Here's to _us,_ " Kaiden interrupted before anyone could drink again. "We're an odd group, and we don't always get along. But none one's perfect, anyway, and I have a weird feeling that this is destiny."

"To us!" Garrus echoed.

"And the Normandy!" Tali toasted.

When the drinks disappeared again, Ashley leaned away from the table. "That's enough talking and sentimental crap. Let's get this party started!"

* * *

Shepard took a long drag from his fat cigar, savoring the taste of expensive tobacco, then blew out a steady grey stream into the air of the smoking lounge. He followed it up with a quick sip of whiskey from the tumbler on the chair's broad armrest. The two contradictory, yet complementary flavors mingled to create an exquisite bliss. The effects of both vices flushed his head with a mild, yet pleasant high.

It wasn't enough. The commander still felt as empty as ever inside. Not even one of his favorite pastimes could alleviate the ennui which plagued him. Not that he'd expected anything different.

 _What's wrong with me?_ Shepard asked himself mentally. _What vital piece of my soul can I possibly be missing?_

He knew the answer, at least subconsciously. Shepard just wouldn't admit it to himself. On some level, he was aware of this fact too, which was in turn repressed by his mind in a paradoxical cycle of self-denial. For what he wanted most was something he simply couldn't have. Why? Well, it was actually quite simple.

Having something meant you could lose it. Losing what one needed most was a worse fate than never having it again.

Shepard shook his head to help get these thoughts out of it. Instead of hyper-analyzing himself, he knew that he should be living in the moment, enjoying his drink and smoke. Yes…doing that was a lot simpler, wasn't it?

As the spectre continued to relax alone, he found his thoughts drifting to his team mates. The last time he'd seen Garrus, the man had been hitting on a female turian over by the bar. Wrex had gotten into a drinking contest with a batarian, which had, in turn, evolved into a situation where Wrex was the so-called 'champion of the bar' and took on whatever challengers thought they could beat him. Last Shepard knew, Wrex had already drank three people under the table. Liara…she'd slinked away a little early. Or so everyone guessed, at least, since she wasn't able to be located. Kaiden and Ashley had started dancing together, and were probably flirting at that very moment.

That left Tali. She had been dancing too, and quite well at that. Shepard was genuinely impressed with how lithe and graceful she was on the dance floor…a stark contrast to her usual shyness and meekness. Who would have guessed that the girl stuck in a suit would be such an expert dancer that she could put asari to shame?

This fact had been why Shepard suddenly needed to walk away from the group and have a smoke in the lounge. Tali was good-looking to him as it was, but when she was really showing off in a display like that? Well, 'mesmerizing' would not have been a strong enough word for it.

She'd tantalized him with what he couldn't have, and it had made him very angry. Not at her, of course. Not even angry at himself. Angry at…well, the world, Shepard supposed. A world where someone like him could be so utterly damaged that they couldn't accept happiness ever again.

Truth be told, Shepard did feel a little bad about just leaving her alone like that. The girl had been pretty drunk at that point, and everyone else had seemed too busy with their own things to pay much attention to her. Still, it was probably the better call. Besides, Tali could easily ping his omni-tool if she needed help with an anti-quarian patron or a creep with wandering hands.

"Speak of the devil," Shepard said wryly, checking his flashing omni-tool. It seemed Tali had called him for some reason.

"Tali?"

"Shep…Sheparrrrrdddd…" came the listless voice of the petite quarian.

"Are you okay?" he asked with concern lacing his tone.

"Yeah. Yes. I mean…I think, I think so. I'm a little, uh, drunk, though. Yeah. And I'm not used to the, I mean, used to the, well, it. The liquor, I mean. It's doing funny things to my head…"

"Where are you?" Shepard asked, a genuine smile coming to his face. It both amused and terrified him how much of a sudden reversal in mood he got just from hearing her voice like that.

"Oh, sorry. I was, um, rambling again. But I'm in the club, looking for…looking for you," her voice echoed over the comm channel. "No one knows where you are? I mean, Keelah. Why's, why's that? I've been looking all over for you. You know, asking 'where's Shepard!' and all kinds of stupid things like that. Because I'm…rambling again."

Shepard chuckled. "It's fine, Tali. Go wait by the bar and I'll come find you."

"Are you…okay….sure, I'm going now. Whoa…"

Shepard ended the call and snuffed the small stump of cigar out. Then he downed the whiskey in one gulp strode out of the longue, seeking the bar. His head tingled just a little bit, as if he was heavily buzzed, but not drunk, despite the copious amounts of alcohol he'd consumed with the other Normandy males.

It wasn't long before he had walked back into the cacophony of visuals and audio that existed in the main room of the club. Once there, he easily spotted Tali waiting for him. (She did manage to stick out quite a bit in most situations, after all). The quarian engineer was slightly slumped over and stood on shaky feet.

"Hey! Shepard!" she yelled over the booming music when she saw him. "There you are. I've been looking all over…wait. I told you that. Already. Oops."

Shepard's smile grew even wider from seeing her, the emptiness from before temporarily fading into nothingness. It was partially from her unabashed cuteness while intoxicated, and partially from feelings he wouldn't dare quantify.

"Yeah, don't worry, I'm here," he said reassuringly, lightly pulling her by the hand.

"Yeah you are…" Tali drunkenly observed, letting herself be gently dragged along. "Where are we, where are we going?"

"Over by the wall, where it's quieter," the spectre explained.

"Smarrrttttt," Tali said near-unintelligibly.

"So, what do you need, Tali? Why were you looking for me?" Shepard asked.

Tali seemed to visibly tense. "Well…" she began, looking down nervously. "I guess I just…"

A loud boom accompanied by wild flashes of neon interrupted her. Tali kept speaking over the next track of music, the glowing light on her helmet's mouth piece flickering as usual, but Shepard couldn't make out a word of it.

"I CAN'T HEAR YOU," Shepard attempted to yell over the obtrusive noise.

Tali shrugged. Then she bounced with excitement as if she had just figured out something profound. She began typing away at the haptic interface of her glowing orange omni-tool. Her fingers slipped several times, fumbling with the keys in her drunkenness. Eventually, she seemed satisfied and turned the tool off.

"Is this better? Tali's translated voice spoke directly into Shepard's ear. She was transmitting directly over his micro-translator, somehow.

"Yeah, actually. You're crystal clear. How did you do that?"

"I hacked it. The…thing," Tali replied. "Not that, that hard. When you know."

"Wow, I didn't even know they could function as comm devices," Shepard said.

Tali shrugged again. "Anything can, if it has audio output. Just takes…what's it called?"

"Genius," Shepard supplied. "Wait a minute…how can you hear me?"

"I can't," Tali said. "I learned how to read…how to…read human lips."

Shepard gawked. "What? How is that..."

"Possible?" Tali finished, giggling sweetly. "You said it yourself."

Shepard shook his head in amazement. "Damn. I wish I had a mind like yours, Tali. Really. It would make a lot of things so much easier."

"Oh…thank you. I'm not…I mean I don't…" she fumbled, trying to find a way to dodge the complement as usual. Failing miserably at it, she decided to change the topic instead. "Anyway, I hope you don't mind. I hear everyone that way. I wouldn't mind you getting into my suit like that, but I feel bad for getting into yours, so-to-speak."

A hand shot over the mouth part of her helmet when she realized what she'd said in trying to communicate the clumsy metaphor. "Er...I, uh, Keelah! I didn't mean it like that, Shepard, I promise. I…" she stuttered in a blind panic.

Shepard was just laughing and shaking his head. The universe had a cruel sense of irony. There was no way that had been a simple Freudian slip. Plus, it was just hilarious on the face of it.

"That's alright, Tali. I knew what you meant and didn't think it was…like that."

"Oh…" Tali said a little dejectedly. For the life of him, Shepard couldn't understand why. He'd just told her it was cool, hadn't he?

"So, do you need to get out of here?" Shepard asked. "You seem pretty drunk."

Tali nodded. "Yeah. At least, I think I might. I don't know. I guess that's…that's partially why I was looking for you. I've never been…so I don't know what to do."

Shepard laughed. "Water, food, and rest. In that order. Trust me."

"Oh. I guess that makes sense," Tali said. "I should probably grab something to eat, then. I'm starving anyway."

Shepard raised an eyebrow. "Alone?"

"Yeah," Tali said, nodding. "Unless you…want to…"

"I won't impose, Tali. But frankly, based on what I've seen, a quarian shouldn't be walking around alone on the Citadel. Especially drunk." Shepard's justification for going with her rang hollow on his hears. While his argument was valid, it wasn't the real reason he wanted to go with her. "Besides, I could go for a nice steak. Perfect way to close out a night like this."

"You'd…um, well, yeah. That'd be great, Shepard."

"Good. I'll message everyone else, and then we'll go," the commander replied cheerfully. It was odd hearing himself sound like that, as if a different person had suddenly jumped into his body.

Soon, the duo was exiting the club, Tali leaning heavily on Shepard for support. "Thanks for doing this. I appreciate it. Keelah, you have no idea how scary things would be without you."

"I know what you mean. It's bullshit that your species gets treated so badly. Just try not to think about what would've happened if you hadn't joined up. Thinking that way is useless. A wise man told me that once."

Tali nodded. "You're right. It's just that I hate feeling so…dependent."

Shepard nodded. "That's also understandable. For what it's worth, I think you could take care of anyone who gave you trouble. Now, the legal consequences, on the other hand…" Shepard shook his head as he trailed off. "Look, it's not your fault. Don't feel bad about it."

There was long pause. Then, a little sniff came from Tali.

"You alright?" he asked.

"Yeah. Just my nose running a bit. Side effect of the stupid anti-nausea medication. My suit probably thought the alcohol was a toxin and tried to protect me from throwing up because throwing up is just about the worst thing…" Tali rattled off. "Right. Rambling."

"You're fine. I actually like it when you do that. You're always telling me something interesting that I didn't know." A lie. Shepard was aware that he simply loved hearing her sultry voice. "Anyway…where do you want to go?"

"You know," Tali said, ponderously tapping her chin. "You said you wanted a steak, right? Well, I keep hearing about this certain kind of turian meat dish, and how quarians love it so much. I've always wanted to get that, just never had the money. Now that I do, though…there's dextro-levo grill nearby that has it."

"That sounds fucking amazing," Shepard said, practically salivating over the mere idea of a nice ribeye. "I'm in. Lead the way!"

Shepard once again held Tali slightly against him as they walked. For the whole trip, he tried not to think about how good it felt to have her in close contact with him, even though it was through a suit.

He failed miserably.

* * *

"Wow, Shepard. I can't believe we just did that," Tali moaned, sinking heavily into the presidium bench.

"Yeah," Shepard grinned, "I know. Those steaks were huge!"

"I've never been so stuffed," Tali said, patting her stomach. "Or tasted something so delicious. Just thinking about it is making my taste buds tingle, like it's still on my tongue…"

Shepard laughed. "Same here. Glad you enjoyed it."

"You bet I did. And I feel a lot more sober, too. Alcohol is fun, but it was a little much."

Shepard nodded. "That's fair enough, I suppose."

There was a moment of silence as both quarian and human starred out at the presidium's center strip of water, which was presently illuminated by the soft, orange-and-gold glow of a simulated sunset. It made for quite a sight.

"It's beautiful," Tali observed. "I guess I've never really seen a sunset before, except in vids. Not even a fake one like this."

"Yeah. It's pretty amazing," Shepard replied. "In fact, it's one of the things I miss the most about living planetside."

A curious thought struck Tali. She turned to face her companion. "Shepard…I don't think I've ever heard you talk about your childhood on the colonies. I've told you a lot about my childhood and parents, but I know almost nothing about yours."

Shepard gave a deep sigh and rubbed his face. "I…don't really want to talk about it, Tali. Maybe some other time."

The way he'd said it, Tali knew Shepard hadn't meant that he'd really tell her. It was clearly a sensitive subject for him. She didn't know what could possibly be so bad, him being a guy that clearly lived a charmed life. He was good looking, a total badass, accomplished, respected, feared, etc.

Still, she didn't press the issue. Privacy mattered a lot to her people, so the last thing Tali wanted to do was infringe on his. For now, she'd just have to push her empathy for him to the side. It's not like he really wanted or needed it anyway.

There _was_ something that she had to say, though. It was building up inside of her like a tidal wave, a hurricane of bottled emotion that demanded release and ignored the protests of her logical side. As the words touched her lips, she instantly regretted them.

"Shepard…I just have to say that this has been an amazing night."

"Nice. That's good to hear. It was the goal of this evening, after all. All of you guys are phenomenal teammates. You deserve these kinds of perks for all your hard work," Shepard answered. "The Alliance loves to hammer home the idea of negative reinforcement. I don't buy into that shit, though. I believe in rewarding people who make sacrifices and take extreme risks for the good of others, rather than instilling loyalty through terror and punishments."

Tali found herself nodding her head, agreeing wholeheartedly. His words didn't make her feel good, however. Shepard had taken what she'd said in a very literal, plutonic sense. He was responding to her as the captain of the Normandy, and not as someone who shared a close emotional bond with her. True, they considered themselves good friends. Evidently, that didn't stop Shepard from unknowingly (or perhaps even knowingly) shutting her down.

The Commander was like an emotional black hole, Tali realized. An intriguing, yet distant force that you couldn't help being simultaneously drawn to out of curiosity and repelled by it's harshness.

Perhaps it was better this way. He obviously didn't regard her the same way as she did him. No matter. Either the point of her words had gone over his head completely, or he had pretended that they had. In any case, it was therefore better to move on as if nothing had happened.

A pang of intense sadness came over Tali as she considered this. If she couldn't outright tell him how she felt, then she could at least covertly speak about it from another angle.

Tali chuckled out loud.

"What's so funny?" Shepard asked, smiling a bit. Her laughter was immediately infectious to him, despite his best attempts to wall off his mind like a fortress of steel.

"Nothing," Tali stated cheerfully. An obvious lie. "It's just that, well, here we are. A quarian and a human. An awkward, nerdy young woman on pilgrimage and a famous Commander who is also the first human spectre. Who would have thought that people like the two of us would be hanging out, having steaks and watching the sunset? It's like something from one of those cliché vids."

Shepard couldn't stop the laughter from bubbling out of his throat, despite himself. "Yeah," he said, smirking, "it is pretty silly when you really think about it."

"I know, right?" Tali said, shaking her head animatedly. "I mean, our species have almost nothing in common other than phenotypical similarities. We evolved Keelah-knows-how-many light years away from one another, and out cultures are nothing alike. And you're supposed to hate me for being a quarian. Not to mention that I shouldn't even be here, on this mission with you right now."

Shepard's chuckling continued, then eventually died down. "The universe has a weird sense of humor."

"That's so true," Tali said with half awe, half dejection. "Take the way we met, for example. What a crazy thing that was. Who would've thought that we'd become good friends from it?"

"Hell, if you had told me this was going to happen that day I stepped into the alley, I would've reported you to C-sec for snorting red sand," Shepard admitted.

"Heh. Good one," Tali replied wistfully. "Same here."

Tali internally railed against herself. The line of conversation had been intended to provide her some release, but it had accomplished the exact opposite. It ended up accidentally reinforcing all the reasons why this wasn't going to work and Shepard was definitely not interested in her. Keelah…he'd failed to take her bait by laughing at the "weirdness" of their friendship. If the idea of knowing her was a silly joke, then it could only mean that a romantic relationship with her was truly absurd to him.

If only he could have said something like 'Actually, Tali, it's not that weird for us to get along so well. I don't think it's unnatural. Quite the opposite, in fact.' This was wishful thinking, though. Besides, wasn't it technically accurate that the idea of them being together _was_ weird for all the reasons they'd just openly discussed?

Tali felt sick. All this cyclical, futile thinking was really wearing her down. Why couldn't she just take no for answer and give the hell up already? That's what Rael would tell her to do, and he'd have been right, for once.

A deep yawn escaped Tali's mouth. All she wanted to do was flee to her sleeping pod and pass out so she wouldn't have to think about this anymore. Or maybe just hide from the world, run from her fears and insecurities.

Yet as painful as this relaxed moment of enjoying the sunset with Shepard was, it was also immensely pleasurable for the same reason. Given the choice, she didn't know if she would have chosen to end it or prolong it. Both options seemed to have their pros and cons. Not spending time with him left her depressed, but spending time with him only made the next bout of depression even worse, since the inevitable reminder that none of it was real would eventually come despite Tali's best attempts to keep it at bay. Thus, Shepard was like an addiction, a dangerous drug: he provided short-term relief at the cost of long-term damage.

If only they could do this every single day. Then maybe the aftereffects would never have to bother her.

A rogue yawn issued from Shepard's mouth. "I think you have the right idea. I'm exhausted. Time to head back to the ship?"

Tali took her time responding. Eventually, she settled upon an answer. "Soon. I want to enjoy this just a bit more, if that's alright."

Shepard smiled. "Sure, no problem. Whatever you like, Tali," he said non-challantly.

As they sat in silence, Tali couldn't prevent an unwanted truth from sinking deep into her mind.

She was in love with Commander Shepard.

* * *

As the human and the quarian walked back to the Normandy's airlock, the former found his mind wandering.

Tali had been right. That evening _had_ been fantastic, not that he would've mentioned it out loud. The whole thing was for the crew, not him, just as he'd told her. After all, it wasn't as if he was going to flirt with her by saying the same thing. She'd clearly being trying to be polite about the free drinks and the dextro steak, given her pathological selflessness and gratefulness about these sorts of things. Why ruin the moment by suggesting something that was completely ridiculous?

And indeed, it was ridiculous. Tali even thought so herself, by her own admission. Shepard was completely sure, now, of his former hypothesis: that Tali would never think of him in the way that he wished she would.

That didn't stop him from acknowledging just how special this evening at the restaurant and the subsequent walk with her had been for him. When he was around Tali, that dull, aching emptiness inside of his hollow physical shell seemed to magically heal itself, only to return in full force when he was parted from her. Was she, therefore, the meaning in his life that he had been searching for all these years?

It seemed likely. In many ways, Tali represented the youthful, naïve, cheerful optimism that had once existed inside of him before the cruel realities of war had brutally torn it out. (Even though in terms of pure chronology, she was only 6 years younger than him at 22.) His relationship with her, for some reason, reminded him why life was so precious and beautiful, even though it seemed like existence was futile and pointless in the grand scheme of injustice that pervaded the galaxy.

And if only Tali knew how beautiful she was to him. While watching that sunset, Shepard had glanced sneakily to his side. In the golden rays of the simulated sun, which had framed her hood and helmet like a heavenly halo, a small part of Tali's face had been revealed. Evidently, that mask was not as visually impenetrable as one might think; the right lighting could penetrate it and display small hints of what was contained behind. In Tali's case, Shepard had glimpsed the faint outline of a graceful, soft facial structure. She had high cheekbones, a pleasantly round face, and smooth, nearly blemish-less skin. Or so Shepard guessed, anyway. It was hard to perceive for sure. In the very least, he confirmed that it was highly unlikely that she was as ugly as everyone seemed to think quarians were beneath those suits. What little he had seen, which amounted to little more than a small part of the right side of her face, had captivated him.

Not that it mattered in the slightest. His aloof act had been representative of his 'practical feelings', as he liked to call them, if not his 'real feelings'.

Still, there was an inescapable truth which deeply troubled him all the way back to the Normandy.

He was hopelessly in love with Tali.


	8. Chapter 8

Dr. Chakwas leaned back in her chair, sighing a nice, long, contended sigh. She brought a cup of coffee to her lips and took a meager sip. It was delicious. Evidently, asari _did_ know to make an excellent brew. Who would've thought?

She was having a slow day today, so why not take a load off and relax? There were no reports to file, no tests percolating in the med bay's sophisticated machinery, and no crew members that needed checkups. Well…not yet, at least. She'd heard tell that Shepard and some of the combat team had went out on a 'quick mission' or something like that. It was probably one of those minor tasks that Hackett assigned while the Normandy was en route to more critical planets in their search of Saren. The odds that someone would come back bruised and battered were pretty low.

Chakwas couldn't help but worry anyway, though. It was just who she was. In her time spent aboard the Normandy, the aging doctor had become quite attached to everyone that crewed the ship. She was like the communal mother, of sorts, insofar as a human could be said to be the mother of multiple species. People came to her with their psychological problems as well as their physical ones, and she always patched both up to the best of her ability, even though she'd received most of her formal training in medical science and not psychiatry. It was a natural arrangement: one did not get to be the oldest member aboard a military vessel without becoming wise and intuitive when it came to people.

This fact only intensified her deep compassion and sympathy for others. As a result, she took her responsibilities as the "patcher-upper" very seriously. Perhaps too seriously, sometimes, but it was what it was, nonetheless.

Chakwas' musing came to an abrupt end by the electronic chime of the med bay door being engaged. She sat up immediately, expecting the presence of a visitor, though the possibility did not surprise her. It was common for several people to pop in just to chat every day. Everyone seemed to like and get along with her.

A moment later, the actual door gave out a hiss and a soft, not-too-unpleasant grinding sound as it slid smoothly open. Standing there in the doorway was a person that didn't usually visit her outside of medical necessities: Tali'Zorah nar Rayya.

"Hello, Tali," Chakwas said cheerfully. "Come on in."

The suited quarian nodded and stepped inside hesitantly. "Right. Thank you, doctor."

The door repeated its prior noise, sealing the pair of women inside the sleek, white walls of the med bay. Their privacy now assured, Chakwas went ahead and asked "What can I do for you, today? Here for a specific reason, or just to chat?"

Tali wrung her hands for a brief instant as if pondering the question. "Well, some of both, actually, I suppose."

Chakwas raised an eyebrow. "Really? Interesting. Have a seat then, and I'll gladly hear you out," she beseeched, gesturing at one of the patient chairs over by the medical pods.

When Tali did so without hesitation, Chakwas went on. "It's been a while since you've come up here. I hope you're alright. And it is nice to see you, by the way."

"Heh, same here," Tali replied, finding the older female's friendliness infectious and dispelling her anxiety somewhat. Normally she'd be perfectly comfortable around her, just like she was with the rest of the aliens. It was a startling transformation from her early days on the crew. Yet she found herself somewhat regressing to that state, due to the sensitive, and possibly intrusive, nature of her inquiry.

"I'm sorry that I've haven't been able to visit, recently" Tali apologized. "There's almost always more work to be done in the bay. Even if it isn't something serious, I like to optimize all the processes anyway. It's enjoyable to me and I'm a bit...obsessive, you know. And then there's the missions, which Shepard always wants me along on, for some reason."

Chakwas chuckled. "Yeah, I noticed that too. I'm surprised you're not with him right now, actually."

"Yeah, I know, right?" Tali responded. "It's odd. Guess he wanted to give me a break or something. To be honest, I kind of needed it. All those missions are exhausting."

"I'm sure they are," Chakwas remarked wistfully. "I don't envy your positions. I just know I'd be horrible at it. My goodness, I can't even imagine myself out there on the battlefield, running, gunning, and all that stuff. Can you? I'd look ridiculous, a real sight! That's why I became a field doctor!"

Chakwas slapped her thighs mirthfully and laughed, causing Tali to join in. It really cut the tension and made the latter feel more comfortable leaping in to her line of questioning.

"Enough fooling around though. I'm sure you have better things to do, dear, than listen to an old woman prattle on about nonsense. So, what was it you wanted to talk about?" Chakwas asked with genuine concern and interest lacing her tone.

Tali sighed. "Well…speaking of Shepard…" she began.

"Oh?" Chakwas asked curiously.

"Yes. I wanted to ask you a few things about him. If that's alright."

Chakwas nodded slowly. She was well aware of Tali's deep admiration for, and romantic interest in, Shepard. Pretty much everyone was; the young quarian was that obvious with her emotions. You'd have to be blind and deaf (or Shepard, apparently) to miss it.

It was an ironic thing, she thought: deep down, someone as brave, powerful, famous, accomplished, and respected as him had low self-esteem and high self-loathing. It probably stemmed from his traumatic adolescence, rage, and subsequently vicious military career. The man probably thought himself a demon in human skin, or a hollow, unlovable shell with too much baggage and world-weariness to be appealing to anyone.

It was a bit baffling to think about, but it made a certain kind of twisted sense. If one were as intelligent at leading and understanding people as Shepard, they tended to assume others were, too. This made his superficial charm and wit seem meaningless, from his perspective, in comparison to his own inner torment, even if there was no rational way for others to be aware of it.

Of course, the double-irony was that Tali was in much the same boat when it came to Shepard's feelings for her. Although the jury was out on whether or not Shepard was interested in her for most of the ship, Chakwas had come to a conclusion: that he definitely was. Madly, in fact. The human spectre just did an excellent job of hiding it.

Not that Chakwas would ever tell them about it. These things needed to evolve naturally rather than being forced along by outside intervention. It would be a good thing in the long run for both of them if they overcame their own issues, even if the relationship failed and there was a lot of pain along the way.

That was why Chakwas remained as stone-faced as she possibly could in response to Tali's declaration. She didn't want to give away any tells. She'd also have to choose her words carefully.

"Well…" the human doctor began, "there are certain things I can't tell you. Doctor-patient confidentially, you see. I'm sure you're aware of that. But I'll do my best to answer, depending on the nature of your questions."

Tali gulped. "Of course. I understand…well, I mean that I want to respect his privacy. It's just that…there's something I want to…want to know about him," she stammered. "If you're comfortable with it, and you don't think that…okay, never mind. I'm probably being really inappropriate."

Chakwas shook her head. "No, not at all, dear. It's fine," she assured, placing a hand on the quarian mechanic's knee comfortingly. "He has a habit of being much more private than he ought to be. I figured it was only a matter of time until someone came along who was frustrated with our Commander's distance-keeping. The truth is, I know him better than anyone else here, and I'd be happy to talk to you about it if it can improve the group cohesion."

"Well…that makes sense, then," Tali said a bit more confidently. "Anyway, it has to do with something Garrus said about him."

"Go on…"

"Right. So, a while back we were on that mission. The one with the batarian slavers?"

Chakwas internally sighed. She remembered the mission, and knew that Tali's curiosity therefore couldn't be going in a good direction. Still, she was resolved to help as best as possible.

"I remember," Chakwas stated calmly.

"Well, while we were there, Garrus explained something one of the batarians said. They called him 'butcher'. Apparently, it has something to do with the attack on Elysium, where Shepard single-handedly held off terrorists for days until help could arrive. I've researched it. I understand it. The Alliance calls him 'the Lion of Elysium' for his actions, but to the batarians, he's 'the butcher' because he killed scores of them while they were on, in their view, a righteous mission. And also because he volunteered for many campaigns and skirmishes with the batarians, killing even more of them over his career as an N7."

"Well then," Chakwas began, "it sounds like you're well-informed about it. All of that is perfectly accurate, Tali. So, what's your concern?"

"I'm not afraid of him, if that's what you're thinking," Tali quickly said, raising up her hands in defense. "I don't resent him for it. War is war. It's not his fault someone had to do what he did. I know Shepard is a good guy and that he wouldn't kill anyone if it wasn't necessary."

"I'm glad you feel that way, Tali," Chakwas said. It was a redundant statement: she knew that Tali regarded him much more oppositely than with fear, if anything at all. "It shows maturity and wisdom that you can understand the grim realities of the world like that, and judge people based on their individual characters rather than pure reputation. I'm sure we're in agreement that Shepard is a wonderful man," the doctor went on. "Though it's not necessarily wrong to worry about him. When someone goes through the things that he has, it darkens the soul."

Tali was a bit taken aback by the complement. She didn't know how to react. Everyone back home was always saying that she was young and naïve, that she needed to go on a pilgrimage to prove herself. Her dad had been especially candid about his feelings on this matter. It had legitimately never occurred to her, until now, that they might all be wrong.

"Thank you, Dr. Chakwas," Tali responded earnestly. "And yes, I see your point. I'm not here to question Shepard and Elysium in that way."

Another slight nod and beckoning silence from the doctor.

"What troubled me more was something that I uncovered on my extranet research. Apparently, when all of this happened, some journalists did some digging into Shepard's past, to better understand the war hero and all that kind of thing. What they found was that Elysium wasn't the first time he was stranded alone, facing batarians. When he was younger, Shepard survived some kind of batarian attack on a colony. I know it wasn't Akuze, Shepard told me about that event himself when he was helping me through my nightmares. This is something different, but I can't learn anything more about it. The Alliance censored the data, including anything more specific, such as the planet's name."

It was Chakwas' turn to gulp nervously. This girl was too damn curious for her own good. Not that she could be blamed. Learning disturbing things about a person you were falling in love with was big deal. It was only natural that she'd be curious about it and want to sympathize with him. Especially if it explained the cold deadness that sank into Shepard's eyes on occasion, despite the man's best attempts to cover it up. Poor Tali…she was clearly into the gritty and brooding types like him. Not that that was surprising, either. It was a natural disposition for someone as energetic, vibrant, and selfless as her.

Taking a deep breath, Chakwas mulled over her response while Tali waited patiently.

"Tali," Chakwas began, delicately, "I don't fault you for being interested in this. Though the Commander might. He keeps everyone at arm's length about it, and for good reasons which you may soon become aware of. If there's anyone you should hear it from, it's him. Not me. Though persuading Shepard to tell you about it might be…difficult. Still, I think the effort may be worth it in the long run."

Tali was wringing her hands again. "Oh..." she said eyes downcast. "I'm not surprised you would say that. I understand, though. Thanks for your time."

"Wait!" Chakwas interjected, putting a hand up to stop Tali from standing. "I _will_ tell you one thing, as long as you promise not to tell anyone that I mentioned it."

Tali nodded eagerly. "I will. I do. Promise, that is."

"Smart woman," Chakwas commented. She then stared into Tali's iridescent orbs, serious and intense. "The name of the planet? It's Mindoir. It's just one of the many batarian colony attacks that happened in the blitz, and Shepard's name has been scrubbed from the records. But I know from talking to him personally that that's where _it_ happened. If you research the planet's history, you'll find what you're looking for. I promise you that, Tali."

The quarian nodded. "Mindoir?" she spoke, trying out the name. The interior of her helmet displayed the phonetic pronunciation as well as the written version in both the galactic trade language and Khelish. "Thank you, Chakwas. I'll look into it right away."

Chakwas smiled grimly, wiping the severe look off her face until she reverted into a friendly grandmother again. "You're welcome, Tali. Just don't push this too hard. Be careful with this information. The only reason I told you was so that you would know exactly what you're getting into before proceeding further."

"Of course. I understand, doctor Chakwas," Tali said, excitedly standing and heading out the door. "Again, thank you so much. I just really better be, er…going, now."

The old doctor merely nodded, smiled, and waved at Tali as she rushed out the automated door. "Feel free to stop by and chat any time, dear!"

* * *

John Shepard had run and hidden that day.

Like a coward. Like a helpless, weak little child.

It was the last time he ever did it in his life. From that day onward, bravery and decisive action was his solemn, seething vow of penance to the dead souls he outlived as an undeserved reward for his craven thinking.

To his recollection, that fateful day had begun quite pleasantly. Life on the colonies wasn't as bad as people made it out to be. Mechs controlled by the corporations that sponsored the colonization efforts did most of the hard labor. Pre-fabricated dwellings, as well as self-sufficient water and food production facilities were deployed in an effort to entice more citizens into signing up. There was still work to be done, of course, but the places weren't nearly as primitive and challenging as Alliance PR made it out to be.

In the instance of Mindoir, the main settlement had actually been quite an idyllic place. On the particular day that the batarians had decided to attack, the weather was superbly pleasant. It had also been a weekend, a day of rest. There was nothing to do, at the time, but bask in the fresh air, pleasant landscape, and quiet surroundings of the nearly-barren planet. (Comforts the likes of which could not be found on any homeworlds or more populous planets, to be sure.) All these details and more indescribable ones were burned into Shepard's memory. He called the exact conditions of that day with near-perfect memory, down to the most minute details.

For instance, the moment that the chaos erupted, 16-year old Shepard had been reading an electronic version of _The Great Gatsby,_ a supremely old, human, classic novel. This type of occurrence had not been abnormal for him. In fact, Shepard had been quite the bookworm before his world was turned upside down. He was always reading literature both old and new, to the exclusion of work, school, and social activities. He'd even had dreams of being a writer one day, of publishing the hottest new science fiction series, scripting the blockbuster vids, or some such insurmountable goal. Young Shepard had truly been a creative type, a sensitive artist and humanist. It was an ironic fact. Yet it was true, nonetheless. Reality, as he had learned on that day, was seldom what one expected it to be.

By another stroke of pure irony, he'd been avidly reading the exact part of the story where Gatsby was shot to death while relaxing in his own pool. Much like Gatsby, Shepard had also been basking in own contentedness and peace (for the last time, much to his subsequent dismay).

That was why he regarded it as poetic, even to the present, that his first awareness of the growing crisis had come in the form of a mass accelerator round slamming, without warning, into his datapad, shattering it into a million little pieces.

* * *

For an instant, teenage Shepard didn't know what the hell had just happened. One second he was reading, and the next, his "book" was destroyed, shards of metal imbedded in his skin and silicone raining down around him in an electrical halo. What could cause such random devastation? His pain was momentarily forgotten amid the shock and surprise.

Glancing around feverishly, Shepard saw a sight that would change him forever.

Off in the distance, across one of the empty, communal spaces shared by the tenants of the pre-fabs, there was a weird-looking alien. A batarian, Shepard later recalled. They were the first aliens he'd ever seen, but he'd learned about them in history class.

What the batarian was doing was something that Shepard couldn't possibly have been prepared for, though. The man was brandishing an elongated assault rifle emitting a series of mechanical whirs and clicks as steady flares of blue light exploded out of it. No, not just flares, he realized, but actual rounds.

The nameless alien was shooting at one of Shepard's neighbors, a kindly old man who brought him fruit and taught him about esoteric trivia from time to time. The man was disintegrating under the hail of gunfire as he screamed and begged, his body practically converting to a violent spew of viscera, piece by methodical piece. The utter decimation appeared to young Shepard as if it could only have been some kind of insidious magic. It was utterly inconceivable. Even vocalizing his obscene awe was impossible, as his throat suddenly formed a massive lump. His eyes watered, his breath caught in his throat, and a wellspring of cold panic exploded inside of him, seizing his heart and freezing his limbs.

Distantly, Shepard realized that a ricochet must have somehow found its way to him. The datapad had therefore saved his life, as if by some sort of miracle. Not that literature could have possibly saved the old man.

It did not take long for the batarian to finish the sickening execution and move on, leaving a formless heap of gore in his wake. He turned and shouted, garbled nonsense-speak issuing from his throat, as if beckoning allies.

Despite his extreme terror, Shepard somehow managed to assess the situation. There was some kind of attack happening. There were multiple alien attackers, all heavily-armed, from the looks of it. They'd landed, infiltrated the colony, and begun the attack without anyone noticing until now. At least one person was already dead, maybe more.

The colony couldn't handle this. HE couldn't handle this. No one could handle this.

It was hopeless. There was but one thing he could do.

Knowing that the batarian was likely moments away from spotting him out of the corner of his eyes, the 16-year old erupted into motion. With blurring speed, he scampered backwards into the open pre-fab right behind him, his feet slipping and stumbling as he went.

In his blind haste, Shepard dislodged some mechanical equipment that was scattered haphazardly about the metallic steps leading up to the building. His mother's experiments, he remembered. The quirky and hyper, yet savant-like woman was the local tech expert. She was always working on many different side projects at once…tinkering with this, trying to fix that, studying those, attempting to fix these, etc. Unfortunately, it seemed, what was normally a source of incomprehensible nonsense, amusement, and sometimes even annoyance to him was, at that exact moment, a knife in his back. The clattering of the metal components, kicked off the steps by his clumsy feet, attracted the attention of the batarian gunman.

In a further stroke of luck, Shepard tapped the haptic console of the door just in time for the metal barrier to come screeching in front of him, blocking a spray of rifle fire an instant before it carved him to shreds.

Locking the door with another swift motion, Shepard sprinted through his house, searching for a safe place to hide or an avenue with which to effectively flee from the scene. All he could think about was his own survival, and how close of a brush he'd had with death itself.

He surely wouldn't get a third chance to cheat the grim reaper, would he?

* * *

For the next few hours, Shepard's existence had been nothing but an endless parade of nightmares and desperate clawing for survival. He'd been constantly running, only pausing briefly to evade the sight of patrolling alien marauders. He'd scampered from place to place, ducking, crawling, climbing, and crouching.

In truth, most of the details regarding this were nothing but a long, continuous blur. All the exhausting activity and close-calls weren't the truly maddening part, though. That honor was reserved for something else.

The screams were the worst of it. He'd been forced to bear witness as every man, woman, and child in the colony (other than him) was dragged, screaming out of their homes. Most were simply executed, albeit brutally, on the spot. A rare, unlucky few were tortured: hacked apart or incinerated while still alive. When the showers and pools of blood were too much, when the mangled, singed flesh was too gruesome, when the violent savagery was too nauseating, Shepard could at least clamp his eyes shut and lurk in darkness.

There was no such clemency for the screams.

They were always there, an omnipresent symphony of horror and agony as his family and friends' lives were brought to swift, painful end. He could not escape the sounds of their suffering, nor the sadistic laughs of the monstrous aliens who had caused it. Even clamping his hands over his ears was not enough. No matter how hard he tried, the screams would not leave him alone.

At times, they threatened to bring him to madness, stabbing at his consciousness for hours on end with no relief. Many times, he'd considered leaping out from his stealthy perches and simply surrendering to the alien's judgement, simply so that the horrid sounds could end. If Shepard had only known how much those screams would haunt his dreams, he would have done so. At the time, the only thing that had stopped him was the almost comical efficiency with which the aliens dispatched anyone who dared to defy their evil will.

Shepard had bit down hard on his own hand, teeth scraping bone and drawing blood in a desperate attempt to prevent himself from letting his screams join those of his writhing fellow colonials. The pain was secondary to the psychic turmoil he had felt in those moments, completely blocked by adrenaline and near-disassociation with his own body.

Uncountable minutes (or was it hours? Days?) had passed in this manner. Eventually something had prompted Shepard to shakily emerge from underneath a pile of crimson-bathed corpses wherein he'd feigned death. Perhaps it had been the sound of the alien's ships finally leaving.

Inundated with the reeking lifeblood of others, Shepard had trudged through the colony, seeking that which he simultaneously feared discovery of and sought fervently: his parents. Soulless, dead eyes had swept over the seemingly-endless fields of carnage. The sheer, gut-wrenching pain of it all seared his psyche, though he could not look away. He had to find them. Any existential horror was worth enduring if he could just make sure that they yet lived.

After all, they had to, right? The universe could not possibly be so cruel, could it? Especially after what he'd experienced…

Blind faith had urged Shepard forward, empowering his now-frail and defeated spirit with enough energy to seek the one thing he had desired most at that moment. Without it, his limbs would have surely have collapsed under the weight of the mental wounds engraved on his brain. Putting one foot determinedly in front of the other, he had managed to squelch, slip, and tumble his way through the labyrinth of battered bodies.

At length, he had achieved his goal, though in retrospect Shepard deeply wished that he hadn't.

He had been told that the Alliance rescue crew found him hunched over the fallen, nearly unrecognizable bodies of Mr. and Mrs. Shepard. He'd apparently been a in a near catatonic state, barely distinguishable from the corpses which, unlike him, were as dead in body as they were in mind.

The next thing Shepard remembered was passing out and crying in the arms of some lady medic he'd later learned was named Dr. Chakwas. After that, his days had gone by in much the same state. He was raised for two more years by the crew members of the vessel that had rescued him, for there was simply nowhere else for him to go.

Shepard remembered being even more reserved then than he was now, barely making friends or socializing with anyone else aboard the ship, despite his best efforts. Purposeless and empty, he had drifted alone through those claustrophobic halls like a ghost.

It wasn't until two years later, when he was allowed to join the Alliance, that new life was breathed into him. It was at this time that Shepard made his private pact of vengeance and leaped into his training with unmatched vigor and determination.

There was little he knew for a long time other than an all-consuming lust for self-improvement and violence. The harsh discipline of the military, compared to the trauma of Mindoir, did not faze him in the slightest. He killed effortlessly, reaping lives of those who threatened innocents without giving it a second thought, shrugged off wounds that would paralyze normal men with agony, and charged headlong into situations that bore suicidal odds.

Perhaps it was his ferocity that won him the day over and over again. Perhaps it was skill, or even luck. In any case, Shepard had radically transformed from a tormented child into a perfectly stoic machine of death.

During this time, words like "friends", "love", "peace", and "fun" had meant absolutely nothing to him. He had been the ultimate warrior: an emotionless robot who lived for nothing but war and shunned all else.

His fellow soldiers had been terrified of him at the time, a feeling that was only compounded when Shepard's latent biotic potential was uncovered. He'd paid this no mind. Then, as an N7 leader, he'd developed an even more frightening reputation as a cold, calculated, ruthless warlord who would make any sacrifice to achieve victory and knew no fear. Torfan and Elysium were mere notches on his belt; two of many.

For a long time, Shepard had existed in this state. That too, seemed like an endless, automated blur. His time aboard the Normandy, under Admiral Anderson, had done quite a bit to bring him out of that rut. Anderson had miraculously taught him the value of interpersonal relationships, somehow. Shepard had begun to make friends again and adopt a more human-like demeanor, coming out of his melancholic void. He laughed and smiled, reverting back to his natural state of being a caring, social, friendly person (though he had still suffered episodes of his old ways, on occasion, and wasn't _quite_ normal again). Just thinking about the stark contrast between those times and the ones that preceded them was mind-boggling.

The massive changes brought about by the wise Admiral Anderson were nothing compared to the therapy that _she_ had gifted him with, though. Meeting Tali was the single greatest thing, maybe only the second or third good thing, in fact, to happen to him since he was a child. The odd, quarian mechanic was his island of sanity amidst the chaos of his turmoil, a soothing presence that invigorated him with hope and happiness.

Sure, he owed credit for his recovery partially to the other crew members: Garrus, Wrex, Liara, Kaiden, Ashley, Chakwas, etc. Tali was the single greatest contributing factor, though. He owed so much to her that it was startling to consider. If only she knew…

* * *

… _she would fucking hate me,_ Shepard thought, sitting bolt upright in his bed. _She'd be terrified, disgusted._

Rubbing the sleep out of his eyes, Shepard slowly acclimated himself to awareness once more. It was odd, he realized, that he had dreamed a recounting of his life. Normally, he instead saw isolated moments of the massacres he'd seen in the past. It was as if his brain was trying to remind himself of something.

Shepard sighed. "Tali, most likely," he whispered to himself. It was normal for him to see his quarian crush in his dreams, suited mask replacing the faces of the people he'd killed or witnessed being killed. Other times those dreams were much more peaceful, focusing around the real Tali instead of tormenting him with his own anxieties about exposing her to danger. He'd never before dreamed about her in the manner that he just had, though.

Breathing slowly in and out, Shepard entered a meditative state in an attempt to clear his mind. At length, he was mostly successful.

* * *

Unbeknownst to the weary human spectre, the object of his affection was also awake at this ungodly hour. After retiring from work on the ship, she'd collapsed into a chair in the now-deserted mess hall and began to browse through the extranet on her omni-tool.

Tali clucked her tongue in disapproval at the results she was looking at. "Mindoir…an attack. Alright…but nothing about a survivor," she half-said, half-yawned. Maybe she'd just better give up. She was awfully exhausted, and this was probably a pointless venture anyway. Could she really learn anything of value?

Then she saw it; the paragraph she was looking for, buried in walls of banal text.

"The colony's charter was disbanded in the human calendar year 2170, after a batarian terrorist assault on the planet's single outpost. Notably, there was only one survivor of this attack; a 16 year-old boy named [REDACTED] who would later become known as [DATA EXPUNGED]. All other members of colony were found murdered by the batarian raiding party, and in many cases, tortured before being brutally executed."

Tali felt her stomach clenching with disgust and nausea. If what she was reading was true, this event must have been unthinkably traumatic and nightmarish. If this unknown person was, in fact, Shepard (which was essentially a given based on what Chakwas had told her), then it would certainly explain his demeanor. It couldn't have been too bad, though. After all, the Commander was a battle-hardened solider who'd lived through Akuze, Torfan, and Elysium.

Wait…something about that statement didn't feel right. Tali felt as if she was missing something. Scanning the article again, she picked out a minor detail that had gone unnoticed before.

After considering it for a few moments, her blood ran icy cold. Tears appeared in her eyes and her heart pounded with trepidation, as if she, too, was experiencing the horror of the Mindoir attack.

The implications assaulted her mind like a hailstorm. Shepard hadn't been an N7 yet. He'd been only 16 years old. A colony kid. This happened _before_ he'd joined the military.

 _Keelah…I'd gotten the cause and effect wrong._

"Oh, Shepard…" Tali managed to choke out through a voice threatening to collapse.


	9. Chapter 9

"Bosh'tet!" Tali cursed out loud.

The quarian mechanic's body jerked backward as a rogue jolt of electricity surged from the capacitor she was working on and passed through her. It wasn't enough to hurt her or fry the circuits of her suit, but it did cause her muscles to twitch and cringe with sudden discomfort and pain.

The unfortunate part was that the involuntary reaction had jammed her head and elbows against a side wall of the crawlspace underneath the Normandy's engine room. Even through the padded enviro suit, it still smarted like a bitch.

Gritting her teeth, Tali re-adjusted her position in the cramped tunnel. She really needed to focus more on what she was doing. In ordinary circumstances, repairing ship components or doing other grueling maintenance work was actually rather easy to focus on. Technology was her passion, her muse. It was her escape from the outside world.

Today, though, Tali's worries were actually managing to penetrate the veil of her concentration and seep into her work. That was why she'd fumbled with the stupid capacitor and shocked herself like a novice machinist.

 _I'm supposed to be better than this,_ Tali affirmed to herself. _Now stop thinking about that human. It's pointless. Time to move on._

Even as she mentally dictated the worlds, Tali knew they were falling on deaf ears. There was simply no way that she _couldn't_ worry about Shepard. As it was, she was constantly thinking about him to begin with. The human spectre invaded her daydreams as well as her nighttime slumber. Sometimes it was pure fantasy. Other times, it was worry and indecision.

The latter kind was the one Tali was struggling with right now. Her revelations about Shepard's past, about the tragic events of Mindoir, had only intensified them threefold. It gnawed at her heart, which, aching sympathy for him, screamed at her to give the man a comforting hug.

At the same time, her rational aspect was warning her to get away. Could someone as damaged as that even love freely? Was Shepard really the person she thought he was? Unsure how much weight to give this vague intuition, Tali's mind sought other possibilities. Perhaps this line of thinking was merely a convenient defense mechanism to protect herself from the realization that Shepard did not, could not, want her. But oh…what if he _did,_ and simply couldn't express it? What then? Clearly, she'd have to make the first move, which, again, was probably a bad idea due to the various other reactions that could occur. Just imagining them utterly terrified her.

Tali took a deep sigh. She was in a deep, dark pit of ennui, indecision, and confusion. She knew it, too. There was no obvious way to escape, though. It was hopeless.

"Hello?" voice called to her, echoing though the metallic tunnel from above. "Tali? Are you down there?"

Shaken from the whirlwind of aimless and apathetic thoughts, Tali returned to vivid awareness of her surroundings. Shepard was standing above the crawlspace entrance and calling to her.

 _Great,_ she though sardonically. _I so did not want to deal with him right now…what am I going to do?_

"Yes, Shepard!" she called back, putting on a fake air of cheeriness. "I'm just down here in the shaft, working on some capacitors."

"Oh…" Shepard trailed off.

Tali knew that he was probably scratching his head, having absolutely no clue what that meant or whether or not it was important.

"Well, do you have a moment to talk?"

Tali paused, unsure. The commander probably wouldn't know any better if she lied and said that she was too busy with critical repairs. The prospect of escaping a confrontation she wasn't ready for seemed enticing. On the other hand, Tali knew she couldn't lie to Shepard. Not him. Not ever.

"Absolutely. Just give me a second to get out of this shaft, please," she requested.

Slowly extracting herself from the hellish space, Tali emerged and stood before Shepard. The glow of mass effect fields cascaded from the majestic heart of the Normandy and over their bodies dramatically. It was like a scene from one of those vids. The lighting was eerily…perfect, somehow. Like they both had halos or something.

"Look, Tali. I'm not sure how to say this, and I'm not sure what your people's customs are with this or anything," Shepard began.

Tali freezed up. Was he about to do what she thought he was? If so, her heart thrummed with joy…though she knew it was probably an overreaction or misunderstanding. Rather than embarrass herself, she clamped down on her emotion, deciding the best thing was to simply do nothing. That way, she couldn't embarrass herself.

"Anyway, I've noticed that you've been a little depressed. Since Noveria, I mean. It was a rough mission for us all, so I can sympathize."

 _It wasn't Noveria,_ Tali wanted to explain, even though seeing Liara's mother die was a bit distressing. _It's what happened *after* that, on shore leave, you big dummy. What I got to experience with you that I know I can never have again. That's why I'm sad._

"So, I got you a little gift. To cheer you up, you know?" Shepard said a little sheepishly. It was a weird emotion to see on him, though not entirely unbecoming. He must not be used to giving gifts, Tali figured. _Wait, was that a typical human thing or not?_

Reaching in to his jacket pocket, Shepard pulled out a decent-sized box wrapped in some kind of simple, mono-colored purple paper. He handed it to her swiftly, which she accepted with some hesitation.

"Oh wow, thank you," Tali said, a little embarrassed. "But what is it?"

"Open it and find out," Shepard suggested. "I guess they probably don't wrap gifts where you're from…if you even give them at all, I mean. It's a human custom. They're supposed to be concealed so that what's inside is an exciting surprise."

"That's actually…kind of clever," Tali said, tapping her helmet's equivalent of a chin. "Okay then, I'll gladly open it."

Tali dug into the box, methodically stripping the layers of giftwrap away. "You know, Shepard you really didn't have to…" she started to say, but was cut off by a wave of shock when the imagery on the outside of the box was revealed.

 _Oh, Keelah…no…_ she thought, a cascade of despair settling over her.

It was a model spaceship intended to depict a quarian vessel. A liveship, to be precise, just like the _Rayya_ of her birth and namesake. One of those collectibles for a desktop or something.

Shepard grinned, assuming her stunned silence was owed to overwhelming happiness. "I figured that you must be homesick. You've been with us for so long, and I know you're passionate about and loyal to your people. It can't have been easy coming with us on this mission, being away from home for so long. I wanted to show you that I appreciate all you've sacrificed, Tali. What better way to do it than by giving you a piece of your home to take with you?"

There was a long pause, and Shepard's smile dimmed as if afraid that something was wrong.

"T-thank you, Shepard. Really. I love it," Tali half-sobbed. There was no emotion in her voice, though, other than sadness. It was plain that she was crying.

Tali felt like throwing up. Not only was it obvious what her state was, but she knew that her words had obviously been lies. She hated to look at that damn box as well, that symbol of the past and future that haunted her day and night. The fact that it was Shepard who gave it to her only added ironic insult upon injury.

Tali's skin burned hotter than the surface of a star with her embarrassment. She began to tremble with an outpouring of emotion that necessitated her immediate removal from his presence.

"I…have to go, Shepard," Tali blurted, brushing past him in a flash. She began to run, fleeing the scene as quickly as her frame would allow. Within moments, she was gone, leaving a very surprised Shepard behind.

* * *

Shepard had absolutely no idea what had just happened. He couldn't even begin to process it; Tali's response was just that bizarre, and it had happened so fast.

His first reaction, while standing alone in the engine room, was to feel insulted and wonder what the fuck her problem was. For the first few moments, all he could do was furrow his brows and frown angrily.

That feeling was eventually overridden, though, by his growing concern. Tali was a logical person to a fault. Though she could be irrational about certain things at times, he knew that at her core, the quarian mechanic was a person who mainly operated with a reasonable worldview. There was no objective reason she would have misunderstood his intentions and looked too deeply into the meaning of the gift.

Therefore, the only logical conclusion was that there was seriously something wrong with Tali. Emotionally, that was. Normally-stable people like her didn't break down like that for absolutely no reason.

Shepard nodded his head. "Yeah…" he whispered pensively to himself, resolving to figure out what was wrong. He'd even enlist the help of another female crewmember, if need be.

As he left the engine door, Shepard saw Garrus and Wrex approaching.

"What the hell did you say to her, Shepard?" Garrus asked bitterly.

"Nothing," Shepard said, shrugging. "She just freaked out and ran away crying."

Wrex and Garrus looked at each other, then turned back to Shepard.

"I don't normally get involved in all this emotional crap, Shepard," Wrex began to rumble. "But I've been around you mammals long enough to know that your women don't get like that without a damn good reason."

"I _know_ that, Wrex," Shepard replied exasperatedly.

The krogan warlord snarled. His reputation for being completely overprotective of Tali was legendary.

"Look, Shepard," Garrus said, clearly trying to defuse the situation. "We're just worried about her. You didn't break her heart or anything, did you?"

"What?" Shepard asked, scrunching his face in utter confusion. It was like these two idiots had gotten the crazy idea in their heads that he and Tali were in a relationship or something. Today just seemed to be getting weirder and weirder.

"I know you wouldn't have meant to do it or anything like that…" Garrus began.

Shepard shook his head to cut off the turian. "Forget it. I don't have time for these stupid jokes. Normally your wise cracks are pretty funny, Garrus, but now really isn't the time," he said, pointing aggressively at the turian man.

"Uhhhh…Shepard?" Wrex asked slowly.

"Yeah?" the human commander shot back skeptically, folding his arms over his chest and leaning back non-challantly. His patience was wearing thin. Why was even still talking to these jack-offs?

"You really don't have any idea, do you? Not even the faintest clue?" Wrex asked in disbelief, scratching his forehead plates.

"No," Shepard began slowly, dragging out the word with annoyed tone of voice. "Whatever. This is waste of time. I have more important things to do than…whatever the hell this shit is," Shepard said, storming abruptly away with a dismissive gesture.

 _Yeah…like figure what the hell I did that was so wrong. Or whoever the son of bitch was who put her in such a sensitive state. Man, I'd hate to be that guy…_

* * *

Garrus and Wrex shot another look at each other after watching Shepard head up the elevator. Then they each simultaneously burst into a fit of laughter, Garrus' vibrating voice making a weird companion to Wrex's deep, earth-shaking belly laughter.

"I feel kind of bad laughing at him like this," Garrus managed to say between bouts of recurring chuckles. "I mean, it's not exactly funny or anything, when you really think about it."

"But he's so damn clueless," Wrex finished. "Mammals."

"I know what you mean," Garrus said. "They've never made any sense to me. Especially in their mating rituals. If Shepard and Tali were turians, it'd be a lot more obvious. They'd be clashing and arguing and fighting all the time instead of playing nice. They'd eventually settle it in the ring to get it over with, and…well, you get the idea."

"Really Vakarian? That's all you birds got?" Wrex taunted. "You should watch us krogan go at it. Actually…wait. Never mind. You probably wouldn't survive the experience." A krogan-style chuckle followed his remark.

"You know, despite all the laughter, I do worry about her," Garrus said. "He doesn't know how bad he could crush that poor girl."

"What are you talking about?" Wrex said. "It's not just him. It's the both of 'em."

"Wait…what are you saying?" Garrus asked quizzically.

Another deep chuckle rebounded off the walls of the cargo bay. "Not you too, Garrus."

The turian answered with a puzzled look.

"It's not just _him_ who doesn't know how _she_ feels," the krogan explained as if talking to a child. "Tali's in the same boat."

Garrus's eyes shot wide open, mandibles twitching in disbelief. "You don't actually think that…"

"That's what I _know._ You don't get to be my age without figuring out how to read people. Even aliens."

"Well, shit. We need to do something, then. We can't just let them walk right past each other without…" Garrus began, gesticulating wildly with his talons.

"Bah!" Wrex said, waving a massive hand. "They're both as stubborn as all hell. It's better if we just let them work these things out on their own terms. Love-struck kids…"

Garrus shook his head. "I just hope it doesn't end poorly. For both their sakes. You had better be right, you old bastard."

* * *

Tali collapsed heavily into the breakroom chair like a bag of bricks. Her body pitched forward, her head coming to rest in her hands on the table.

"Why?" Tali moaned, doing her best to ignore the frustrating tickle of tears running down her cheeks that she couldn't wipe away at the moment. "Why did it have to be _that?_ "

The worst part about it was that Shepard was definitely going to consider her a rude freak after this. Not that it really mattered. She wouldn't have gotten what she wanted anyway, but it did mean the scrap of happiness she received from their mutual friendship would be gone.

"Maybe it's for the…" Tali attempted to say to herself, but was unable to finish the thought before being interrupted by a new bout of sobs.

 _Thank the ancestors this place is empty right now,_ Tali thought. Apparently, everyone was either sleeping or working at the moment.

"Tali?" the source of her distress said, poking his handsome head into the room.

Make that everyone except one person.

Tali weighed her options. There was only one exit to the room, and it was currently being blocked by Shepard. And it was not as if she could really escape, anyway. She didn't have her own room. Sure, there was the women's bathroom…but she couldn't stay in there forever. The Normandy was actually a rather small ship if one really thought about it. If the captain of it wanted to find her, he could do so easily. Who was she to rebel against authority? It went against everything she was taught back at the Migrant Fleet.

 _Keelah, not the fleet again. I wish I could just forget about it…_

"Shepard," Tali stated with a shaky and hoarse voice, not looking up. She didn't know what else to say or do.

She heard footsteps approaching until it seemed like he was standing over the break table.

 _Go away, please. Just this once. I'm sorry, but you're just going to make this harder than it needs to be._

"What's wrong, Tali?" Shepard asked her gently. "Did I do something wrong? I'm sorry if I broke some kind of quarian custom or insulted you. I didn't mean to do that."

Tali didn't want to answer. If she bared her soul before him by explaining why the replica liveship bothered her so much, then there would be no coming back. Things could never be the same again. They couldn't be friends anymore, and Shepard would never be able to look at her the same way. A chasm of awkwardness would exist between she and him. And even if Shepard did understand, did sympathize, the knowledge would surely make him uncomfortable. It was a thing that was better off kept secret. No good could come of it.

The thought of letting Shepard, the man she loved so much, think that he'd made some sort of horrible mistake and hurt her feelings was unthinkable, though. In the very least, she could assure him that he'd done nothing wrong, right?

Tali slowly leaned back into a sitting position and removed her hands from her mask. She was too mortified to look Shepard in the eyes, so she left her orbs drift down to the floor.

"No, Shepard. You didn't do anything wrong," she said, voice trembling. "It's not like that. There was no insult. It wasn't inappropriate for you to give me that gift or anything like that. It was actually…er…kind of sweet. I appreciate it."

Tali saw out of the corner of her eye that he was smiling and looked relieved.

"May I sit down?" Shepard asked.

Tali couldn't stop herself from nodding. The answer, truthfully, was 'no'. There was no way she was going to say that, though. When it came down to it, saying no to Shepard wasn't something she could do. Subconsciously she loved having him near, even if her conscious mind wanted him as far away as possible to spare her dignity.

Besides…didn't he have a right to be worried?

"Thanks," Shepard said, lowering himself into a seat and striking a relaxed pose.

"I'm really sorry about making a scene Shepard. That won't...it won't happen again. I promise," Tali explained. "You don't have to worry about that."

Shepard shook his head. "I'm less concerned about that and more concerned about _why_ you did what you did."

Tali gulped. So, this was how she was going to die…a panic-induced heart attack from being forced to confront the thing that terrified her the most in all the galaxy. Sometimes she really hated how nice Shepard was; too nice for his own good. Or hers. Why couldn't he just leave this be?

"I, um…I just…" she stuttered. "It doesn't matter. There's not really a reason for it, I guess I don't really know why I…"

Shepard was shaking his head again. "Why are you lying, Tali? I'm not going to laugh at you if you tell me truth."

Tali stared at the floor. "Please, Shepard," she begged. "Let this go. I'd rather not get into it. Besides, there's really no reason for you to worry. I'm fine. Everything is fine."

"Obviously not, Tali. You were crying," Shepard pointed out.

"I know, but, it's just that there's really no reason for you to worry about it."

"How could you say something like that, Tali?" Shepard reasoned, sounding legitimately hurt. He leaned forward and scooted his chair closer to Tali's, looming over her. "Do you really think that I don't care about you? Because I do. I want to make sure you're alright. Not just as your friend, but as your captain. We're all a team, and we're all friends. We can't function effectively if we're worried about one of us."

Shepard paused, taking a deep breath when Tali didn't answer. She was just wringing her three-fingered hands instead.

"Look, if you don't want to talk about it, or you need some space, that's fine," Shepard said, sighing. "I can revisit this later.'

A wave of anxiety rushed over Tali. She could tell from glancing at Shepard's face and listening to his tone of voice that he was deeply troubled. If she let him walk away, he'd blame himself. He'd feel bad for her. It would probably cost him some sleepless nights and distract him while trying to lead the Normandy crew.

This was an inexcusable result. Tali refused to let herself be the cause of their captain being unable to do his job to the best of his ability. The thought of it disgusted and ashamed her. She knew that she needed to put the good of the ship over her own desires. Moreover, the thought of causing Shepard any kind of personal torment hurt her as much as it would have hurt him.

That, unfortunately, meant Tali had only one option: giving in and confessing her feelings.

"Shepard," she began timidly.

 _Keelah…what am I doing?_ She asked herself.

"Yes, Tali?" he responded, furrowing his brows inquisitively.

Fuck. This was easily the hardest thing she'd ever had to do. Tali's heart was racing, she began to sweat, and she could feel her skin flushing with bashful heat. It was almost unbearably intense: a voracious, unfulfilled longing raging against its cage as her ego looked on with trepidation.

Tali cleared her throat. Best to put it simply and get it all out at once.

"The reason that I ran away crying was because the model ship reminded me of home," she stated seriously.

"I know. That's why I gave it to you; I figured you were homesick," Shepard replied. "Why did thinking about your home make you so sad? I don't get it."

There was no hint of judgement in his voice, just raw, pure sympathy. He genuinely wanted to know, and also help her if it was within his power. That realization made what she was about to say next a little easier.

"Because, Shepard," Tali began slowly. Cautiously. She was giving herself a chance to back out of this. Her body practically vibrated with tormented nervousness.

"Eventually, I'll have to go back home. After the mission. But I _really_ don't want to." she whispered weakly, as if afraid the words would illicit a violent reaction. "I'm terrified of it."

Shepard frowned. "Really? I thought you loved your home. You always talk about it so much. Why wouldn't you want to go back?" he asked.

Tali braced herself, gripping the arms of the chair as if her hands were vices. She channeled all of her willpower, directing it at overcoming the sensation of stepping in to an inferno.

She looked Shepard straight in the eyes for the first time during that whole conversation, her beautiful bioluminescent orbs locking with his piercing azure ones.

It was a moment of utter clarity and truth. She felt a calm sensation wash over her. What she had to do seemed so simple and easy.

Tali had never imagined it would be like this. Looking at Shepard, though…what she was about to say made so much more sense. She could tell him. She _should_ tell him. It was finally time to escape the agony of her own emotional turmoil.

 _Damn the consequences,_ Tali thought. It would feel so amazing to unburden herself in this way. And if Shepard were really the person she believed him to be…it would all be okay.

For an instant, Tali somehow got the impression that things might actually work out. There had to be a chance, no matter how small and statistically insignificant…hadn't there?

It was a chance worth taking nonetheless.

"Because…" Tali began, whispering. "I don't want to leave _you_ , Shepard."

"What are you saying, Tali?" Shepard asked, sounding like he had pretty good idea of what she meant but wanted clarification.

Tali wrung her hands again and tried not to think about how miserable she felt, about her parched tongue and quivering limbs.

"Shepard…I…I…" she tried to say, practically choking on sobs. "I have feelings for you. I think I'm…I'm fa-falling in…love. With you."

There. She'd said it. There was nothing to do now but wait with baited breath for his inevitable rejection.

Her pulse was pounding.

The seconds seemed to drag by like days.

At first, Shepard showed no obvious reaction or emotional response, much to her dismay. He merely stared at Tali as if trying to ponder some great mystery.

The relief she'd felt disappeared in an instant. All of the reasons she'd convinced herself that it would be a bad idea to confess her feelings surfaced with full force, seeming so much more poignant, now.

 _What the hell came over me?_ Tali bemoaned to herself. She shouldn't have dismissed all those reasons. She shouldn't have been so weak and let her willpower slip. It had been so easy to give in, and the fight had been so hard…

She instantly regretted saying anything. The tears came back. A repeat of the reaction she'd had in the engine room was beginning to whelm inside her.

"Oh Keelah. I shouldn't have. I mean this isn't…" she spoke rapidly, panicking all over again.

Tali leaped to her feet and tried to vacate the area as quickly as possible. It was as if a pack of bloodthirsty, demonic varren had suddenly appeared in the room. No…worse.

"Wait, Tali," Shepard said with a perfectly even tone.

His hand shot out with lightning speed and precision, catching hers and pinning it to the table.

Five fingers interlocked with three.


	10. Chapter 10

Tali recoiled as if struck, but didn't rip her hand away.

Deciding it best if he set her at ease, Shepard shot the quarian a smile.

"What…" Tali tried to ask sheepishly, looking around as if she thought an explanation for his odd behavior was plastered on one of the walls.

He was only partially successful, then.

Shepard gulped, finding it equally hard to say what he wanted to, just as he imagined she must've felt earlier.

His first reaction upon hearing Tali's confession had been to de-escalate the situation and let her down gently. Denying any chance of a romance between them was the instinctive, primal conclusion of his psyche. It the only thing that would keep both of them safe, after all.

With some effort, he'd pushed passed the urge. What he had considered doing was something the old Shepard would have done; the pathologically grim and lonely iteration of himself from a darker time.

He wasn't that guy anymore. He refused to revert to the troubled soldier who fought for no cause other than his own rage at the injustice of the galaxy.

 _I haven't been him for a while, now,_ Shepard thought, _thanks to the Normandy and her crew._ _Why go back now?_

In all his previous years of obsessive training and endless combat, Shepard had ironically lacked a specific person to fight _for._ A reason to endure horrors other than simple pain.

In a moment of truth, it struck him like a krogan berserker's shoulder-check.

For the first time, he had that reason.

And it was Tali.

The more Shepard thought about it, the more obvious it seemed. It was almost funny, in a way: he knew really should have figured it out before now.

For one, there was the fact that he seemed to fight harder when she was around, a fact which he had constantly exploited all this time in the hunt for Saren. He and Tali made such a good team as well, both on and off the battlefield. They had similarly tragic pasts and many other personality traits in common, such as intelligence, determination, and selflessness. It was also undeniable that he deeply enjoyed spending time with Tali, and they gravitated towards one another during their off hours.

Was it really so unnatural that they should be together? (Or, at least, to have a chance to try and make it work?) Wasn't the potential payoff worth the risk?

Shepard didn't want to be alone. Not anymore. He'd had enough of it to make him sick, enough of it for several lifetimes. Tali was an incredibly rare, and definitely the most intense, example of something beautiful existing in his life.

This was exactly what Shepard knew he sorely needed, lest he spiral down into the abyss again one day.

Yet even with this flawless logic, his subconscious railed at the idea. The path he was considering embarking on was uncharted territory for him. The possibility that he would merely bring Tali down with him, instead, (admittedly unlikely as it was) utterly terrified him. He wasn't the romantic type. He couldn't handle it properly, as woman of her quality deserved.

At least, he didn't think he was. He had never been that way before.

 _Maybe she won't care,_ the commander thought. _Maybe she'll accept me as I am._

It sounded like wishful thinking.

But still, he knew the possibility existed. And he _had_ crawled up out of the dark pit before. Who was he to say that even more progress couldn't be made? Especially with the help of someone he cared deeply for. To be honest, if there was anyone who could possibly fit the bill, it had to be Tali. Besides…didn't he deserve a chance to try? Didn't Tali deserve a chance, too, even if she was ultimately turned away by his unfixable spirit?

The worst-case scenario was that she would realize that it wasn't going to work and leave him. In that instance, he could rest easy knowing that it would be all his fault, and not hers. He could handle that burden, would gladly accept it. He would also gladly accept the burden of responsibility when and if Tali, as someone who'd gotten close to him, was inevitably hurt or killed. At least then she would have died happy, and it would be him who had to live with the guilt, not her.

Meanwhile, on the other hand, each of them had so much to gain.

 _Okay…I'll give this a try,_ Shepard tentatively told himself against his better judgement. He was about to put himself way out of his normal comfort zone, but buckled down his resolve anyway, determined to see it through.

"Er…Shepard?" Tali asked, practically pleading for an answer.

Shepard chuckled dryly at his own expense. "Heh…sorry. I got lost in my own head there for a second, thinking about what I was going to say next."

He could have sworn he saw Tali blanch, even though that was obviously impossible. Clearly, she'd interpreted that comment as him admitting his preparation to reject her.

"N-no, Shepard," Tali protested sadly. Defeated. "You don't have to…do this. I understand. Please don't make it any harder on me than it has to be."

She tried to pull her hand away, but that only made him clutch it more firmly.

"Tali," Shepard said, cutting off her next protest, "why do you think your feelings are unrequited?"

"Shepard," Tali practically sobbed. "Please…don't make me say it."

"Say what?" he asked, genuinely curious.

There was a pause.

"Because…I'm quarian and you're human. I'm so alien to you and you don't even know what I look like and our cultures are so different…" Tali rambled in a breathless, tearful panic. "It would never work." She shook her head adamantly.

"Is that what you really believe?" Shepard said, standing up and moving across the table with her hand still trapped in both of his.

Tali nodded, presumably too pained to speak.

"Well, it's not true," Shepard said, looking her directly in the eyes. She was hesitant to reciprocate at first, but eventually gave in.

"I don't care that you're an alien. I don't care that your people are despised. I don't care that you're different than me," he began softly yet intensely. "I may not know what you look like, but I know who you are. To me, that's what matters most. And the person that you are is someone I've been developing very strong feelings for."

As Shepard finished his speech, he flashed her a grin and brushed the rim of her hood with his fingers.

"I think I'm falling in love with you too, Tali."

She seemed to reflexively lean into his gesture as she processed the words.

"Do you…really mean that?" Tali asked, taking a bold half-step forward so that her body was leaning flirtatiously in towards his. Her voice was still tinged with sorrow and skepticism, but there was something else there, now: a sultry, breathless hope.

"Shepard…I can't…I need to know that this is real. Please," the quarian mechanic begged.

Shepard nodded solemnly. Then he leaned even closer before Tali could react, bracing the back of her helmet with a hand as he brushed his lips against her mouthpiece.

Actions spoke louder than words, after all. Or so Shepard figured. If anyone had lived their life by such a creed, it had always been him.

For a long, tense moment, nothing happened. Shepard pulled away from the pseudo-kiss, briefly worried that he might have gotten a bit too aggressive for her comfort.

Those worries were dispelled a moment later when Tali pitched forward, embracing Shepard passionately. Her gorgeous, feminine curves pressed delightfully against his body, sliding into place as if they were designed specifically for him. He could feel the warmth of her skin even through the suit, though her presence alone was enough to saturate him with pleasure.

Bracing her head against his shoulder, Tali moaned in cathartic joy.

"Oh, Shepard!" she said, writhing her body against his, pressing her breasts into his chest shamelessly.

She began to cry tears of joy.

"I…I…I didn't think that…" Tali stuttered.

Shepard hushed her. "Shhh…it's alright," he said, fiddling with their still-entwined fingers as his other hand gently stroked her back.

Silence settled over the scene as the human commander and the quarian engineer each savored the serene beauty of their intimate position for uncountable moments.

 _FIN_

 **Author's Notes:**

 **There are so many different ways I considered doing this last chapter. Ultimately, I wanted to keep it very simple. The reason for that also has a lot to do with why I'm ending the story here, which is that I don't particularly feel the need to re-hash their entire relationship.**

 **As I said before, I'm very happy with a lot of the scenes from ME2 and ME3. My primary motivation for writing this story has to do with me disliking the initial way Tali and Shepard confess their feelings in ME2. I find it so ham-fisted and un-dramatic, and wanted to present a bit more realistic way of handling an early, building attraction without relying on a random "oh, by the way, I like you," type of scene.**

 **Once I really thought about it, fixing that is all I really wanted to accomplish in this story (and, I suppose, having them start in ME1 rather than ME2. Seriously…still salty they didn't make her romanceable in the first game** **).**

 **I know I've revised my summary and intentions with this story a bunch of times, so I apologize if this feels too sudden and you were expecting something longer. When it comes down to it, I really feel like the cannon Bioware scenes, in combination with a lot of excellent work done by other fanfic authors, more than covers the later stages of their relationship. In other words, I don't necessarily want to contradict what I consider pretty good writing, but I also don't want to simply parrot it out.**

 **That's why I'm ending it here: the main tension of the story, which was always the buildup of angst, was resolved. I could have dragged it on a bit longer, but I felt like was already losing inspiration and wanted to end things on my terms. Ultimately, I'm pretty happy with it. Especially considering that I started off with nothing more than a vague idea for a first-alleyway-meeting rewrite.**

 **I sincerely hope that clears things up a bit.**

 **Anyway, I'm very thankful to those of you who decided to favorite, follow, and review. It really makes me feel good and inspires me to write. Not just this story in particular, but to write in general, if that makes any sense.**

 **I hope you enjoyed the ride. Now if you'll excuse me…**

… **I should go.**


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